Bully dad

rosie_78

I'm not the strongest of people, especially not when bullied by my father.

Background: My mum died 13 years ago. I stayed in the family home as carer to my sister who has learning difficulties. I did this for 10 years, mostly alone. Dad would move out / move back in depending on how his relationship(s) were going.

When he was home, I'd do his cleaning, laundry, cooking. As well as look after my sister, and hold down two jobs to be able to afford my share and my sisters share of rent and bills. (Bearing in mind the mortgage was paid off after mum died).

I didn't really understand finances properly as I was very young, just 22 at the time.

He married about 5 years ago, and moved out to a nearby town.

He'd come over to the house to do "checks". Letting himself in, eating our food, making a mess. Then he'd leave post it notes around the house pointing out ... dirty skirting boards ... window with a streak on ... floor not mopped properly ... etc. He'd ignore the crumbs he'd leave across the worktop and toast crumbs on the side etc.

Roll on a couple of years and my bf moves in with us (me and my sister). Dad has no problem with this, bf pays same amount as we were paying a month. Then dad announces that he's selling the house and me and bf need to move out, but that he's taking my sister with him. Bf and I move into our own place.

For the first year it was really hard - bf would have to stop me for deep cleaning for hours every weekend. It had become so ingrained in my head that it must be spotless. All over. I found it hard to stop.

Roll on to last week. I had a missed miscarriage, and an operation. recovery has not gone well and I've been struggling with it a lot both physically and mentally.

Then tonight I get a call from him. He's coming to see me tomorrow as his wife needs him to drive to this area. No choice. No chance to say no .. She is going to visit friends and doesn't want him with her. He was annoyed that I'm not at work as he wanted to see my new place. I haven't told him that I OD'd last week on painkillers, nor that two nights later I was in A&E on a drip due to blood loss, because I don't get a chance. He is coming and that's that.

I have to entertain him for a few hours, over lunch too!

I really do not feel up to it - I would still like to see him BUT I can't cope with how !!!! his visits make me feel. The house looks a mess, as does the garden. When I was first pregnant I was really quite ill so have not really done much other than the basics in the house. so it's messy, but mostly clean. Things like skirting boards and door frames .. and stairs need hovering.

I am getting into a state and honestly don't know how to tell him that I cant have him visit. I don't know what to say when he starts on me about the mess. When he moans that I've not laid lunch on for him.

Sorry to rant on and on for such a long time. It's good to get it off my chest

Kaz2904

If it really is too late to stop him, then start practicing "the look". If he comments about the house, give him "the look" if he keeps on about it, just tell him to bog off. It's your house you live in it as you please (or are able to at the moment).
Hope things get easier for you soon .

thorsoak

rosie_78 wrote: »

I'm not the strongest of people, especially not when bullied by my father.

Background: My mum died 13 years ago. I stayed in the family home as carer to my sister who has learning difficulties. I did this for 10 years, mostly alone. Dad would move out / move back in depending on how his relationship(s) were going.

When he was home, I'd do his cleaning, laundry, cooking. As well as look after my sister, and hold down two jobs to be able to afford my share and my sisters share of rent and bills. (Bearing in mind the mortgage was paid off after mum died).

I didn't really understand finances properly as I was very young, just 22 at the time.

He married about 5 years ago, and moved out to a nearby town.

He'd come over to the house to do "checks". Letting himself in, eating our food, making a mess. Then he'd leave post it notes around the house pointing out ... dirty skirting boards ... window with a streak on ... floor not mopped properly ... etc. He'd ignore the crumbs he'd leave across the worktop and toast crumbs on the side etc.

Roll on a couple of years and my bf moves in with us (me and my sister). Dad has no problem with this, bf pays same amount as we were paying a month. Then dad announces that he's selling the house and me and bf need to move out, but that he's taking my sister with him. Bf and I move into our own place.

For the first year it was really hard - bf would have to stop me for deep cleaning for hours every weekend. It had become so ingrained in my head that it must be spotless. All over. I found it hard to stop.

Roll on to last week. I had a missed miscarriage, and an operation. recovery has not gone well and I've been struggling with it a lot both physically and mentally.

Then tonight I get a call from him. He's coming to see me tomorrow as his wife needs him to drive to this area. No choice. No chance to say no .. She is going to visit friends and doesn't want him with her. He was annoyed that I'm not at work as he wanted to see my new place. I haven't told him that I OD'd last week on painkillers, nor that two nights later I was in A&E on a drip due to blood loss, because I don't get a chance. He is coming and that's that.

I have to entertain him for a few hours, over lunch too!

I really do not feel up to it - I would still like to see him BUT I can't cope with how !!!! his visits make me feel. The house looks a mess, as does the garden. When I was first pregnant I was really quite ill so have not really done much other than the basics in the house. so it's messy, but mostly clean. Things like skirting boards and door frames .. and stairs need hovering.

I am getting into a state and honestly don't know how to tell him that I cant have him visit. I don't know what to say when he starts on me about the mess. When he moans that I've not laid lunch on for him.

Sorry to rant on and on for such a long time. It's good to get it off my chest

Oh my dear {{hugs}} - YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING for this horrible man! Just don't be in - go out - go to a coffee shop, restaurant, pub - go and sit down and have a nice coffee or meal. Better still, meet up with OH and eat together.

You are a grown woman with your own home - sadly you've just lost a baby - and you do not need this man bullying you as he did when you were a little girl.

Would you put up with this behaviour from anyone else? You are your own woman - or you should be - but it sounds as if you've been brainwashed and bullied into believing that what he does is right and what you do is wrong/rubbish.

Can you talk to your OH about this? He must know how you fear your father. Talk to your doctor - maybe he can arrange some counselling for you.

{{hugs}} - block his number from your phone/facebook - until YOU are ready to talk to him!

moneysniffer

Can your bf be there with you to provide some emotional support? And perhaps your dad will make a few less comments if he's there too?

Mojisola

rosie_78 wrote: »

I have to entertain him for a few hours, over lunch too!

I am getting into a state and honestly don't know how to tell him that I cant have him visit.

You don't have to entertain him!

Get your BF to phone him and say you are not well enough to have a visitor.

If he turns up, don't open the door!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Mojisola wrote: »

You don't have to entertain him!

Get your BF to phone him and say you are not well enough to have a visitor.

If he turns up, don't open the door!

This. Definitely.

marisco_2

You do have a choice. You don't have to invite your dad into your home, lay on lunch, nor entertain him. This is a man who you refer to as a bully, who you haven't even felt able to tell that you OD'd. Someone who seems to have ruled you with an iron fist for years, who has reduced you to a nervous wreck and undermined you at every given opportunity.

Step toward the phone, pick it up, dial his number and perhaps for the first time in your life stand up to this total @rse and tell him he is not welcome. It is totally okay to respect yourself and put your needs first.

Bennifred

I agree with the others - go out for the time you think he'll be there, so that you don't have to find the strength to cope with him.
Or at the very least have a friend there with you - he would hopefully moderate his behaviour then. Choose a strong friend who will stand up for you!

Saturnalia

Mojisola wrote: »

You don't have to entertain him!

Get your BF to phone him and say you are not well enough to have a visitor.

If he turns up, don't open the door!

Yes, do exactly this.

Hope you are felling a bit better soon.

jellyhead

Mojisola wrote: »

You don't have to entertain him!

Get your BF to phone him and say you are not well enough to have a visitor.

If he turns up, don't open the door!

I agree! I assume he doesn't try to bully your boyfriend. Does your dad know about the missed miscarriage?

Let your boyfriend tell him that you are too ill for visitors and have been back into hospital ... if needs be say it was something to do with blood loss or infection, if you don't want to tell him about the painkillers. Say you've been told to rest.

Then make sure that your boyfriend doesn't answer the door to him. He's less likely to try to push your BF into letting him get his own way.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Toto

Hang on a bit, back up... your mum passed away and the mortgage was paid off. You stayed in the home and cared for your sister who has special needs, he flits in and out when things aren't good with his latest squeeze. And he charges you rent? What about your pay for caring for your sister so he could flit in and out. Why were you paying rent for your sister?

Sod making him tea and fancies, it's time you got a bit angry girl x