New partner/kids/ex

paddedjohn

Seems a natural reaction to me for a father to be looking out for his kids.

ostrichnomore_2

Not by warning his ex's new partner to stay away from them though, that's going OTT.

OP - just tell your kids your friend is now your boyfriend, as they already know him there's no point in waiting. You are the one creating a secret/wrong atmosphere to it.

Don't get new partner and ex together for a big meeting. They are not relevant to each other.

Tell ex you are seeing someone new but not to worry, he'll always be the kids dad and you'd never do anything to interfere with that. He's scared right now - he doesn't want to be pushed out. Replacing him as your partner doesn't replace him as your kids' dad - I think if you just let him know that's your thinking as well, he'll calm down.

Claire212

Unfortunately it may be that this is the first, but not the last in a long line of things you will have adjust to now you are in a relatonship with another man.

As other posters have said he is scared he is being replaced. Open up about your relationship with family, friends and the kids and make a new beginning.

Tell your ex you are in a relationship, and there will be no talk of getting back together to the kids or anyone else. Make it clear that he will always be their father, and even possibly give him some more time with the children, for example days out. This could work to your advantage with time alone with your new man.

But be prepared to encounter many more remarks until he finally accepts that you have moved on.

January20

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry but I don't see where the issue is. I don't think there is anything wrong about asking one's children if they get on with their other parent new partner. My ex asked that of my new partner and I did the same with his new partner. That does mean they have to feel bad about it. Why would it upset them? All they have to say is 'yes, he's nice and kind to us'

To be honest I don't understand your partner's reaction. Have the children said anything that they don't like him or something that they feel guilty and your partner wants to stay away?

Did you or your ex also sent this kind of email to the new partner you were enquiring about? Do you find this kind it normal? :

SunnyCyprus wrote: »

Ex has also sent an email to New Partner last year telling him to 'do what he wants with her (me) but keep away from the kids'.....

I can understand why New partner is s**t scared, but I want a normal life where i'm not hiding anything....

Thank you.

I have the feeling we don't have the whole story about the ex's behaviour here!

pigpen

I had issues with my childrens dad too.. he was suggesting that OH wasn't interested in me and wanted to sexually abuse my older girls.. seriously nutty!

Mine were mostly younger and they came home one day saying he had said OH won't ever be their dad.. I said he doesn't want to be their dad as they already have one but he can be their friend because everyone needs a friend.. and they can be friends with his partner too if that is what they want. I added they should never do something with anyone that makes them feel bad or that they know is wrong though that includes OH and his tart.

Why wait to divorce??? He can divorce you for adultery.. and you can him if he is seeing someone else. Unreasonable behaviour is viable, I'm sure you could come up with something.

And you say you don't want to do things behind the childrens back or lie to them yet you are doing both these things with this relationship.. come clean!! They aren't stupid or babies!!

GwylimT

Why would asking them if they get on with your boyfriend be upsetting? Its something a parent should be asking!

SunnyCyprus

so...an update... more for myself i guess ..

we took things quietly for a little while, newPartner not wanting to upset kiddies.. I talked to the kids at great length and got to the bottom of things. DD said she felt she was betraying her dad by making friends with my partner, I reminded her that no matter what the relationship between me and her dad was like, that she will always have her dad in her life and is always welcome to talk to him, text, contact him in any way she wants. My son has never raised these worries, but was present when all the above was said.

the relationship between the 4 of us is good, my partner comes over to see me/kiddies once or twice a week depending on how many late shifts he has at work and if he has a weekend off we all spend a bit of time together.
We feel its going at a nice pace, no need to rush anything.
I have to cope with another house move now, landlady wants to move back into her property, my partner is helping me with the move/house search.. although we're not ready to live together yet, its something we've talked about.

I have minimal contact with ex, and no mention from him at all about partner. Hopefully things will continue to move along nicely, although i wont be able to start divorce until after i have moved house, i need to concentrate on one thing at a time.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks for the update. I'm glad everything is going well for you.

flutterby_lil

Have you told the children that your friend/their friend/your work colleague is now your partner?

krustylouise

Hi OP,

I can relate to this as I have a DD {6} and I'm separated from her father. Initially he was very jealous of anyone being involved with me or DD, but I acted as normal, ensured my new relationship didn't affect the routine/relationship ex had with DD and eventually he got used to it. Of course he threatened me with all sorts and at times the police were involved, but it has settled down now, and he has found a partner, she's lovely and good with DD and I couldn't be happier.

Sure your ex will say things to the kids to get at you and make you feel guilty, but it is your ex that looks bad, not you. But I will say, you should be honest with your kids. If they find out you've been keeping it from them, that will hurt them more.

There is light at the end of the tunnel