New partner/kids/ex

SunnyCyprus

Hello all, I've been quiet on here for a while, but still read your posts, always some good help to be had!

I'm after a little advice... been separated now for 17 months from husband, and I have our 2 children, DD12 & DS11.
Changed jobs last year, and met someone who became my best friend.. he helped me through a lot of troubles, and I helped him... so, after a lot of long chats and soul searching we decided we could 'give it a go' as a couple.. I couldn't be happier, he is a wonderful guy, and gets on with my children, they are relaxed around each other and he treats them with respect.

However, the Ex is doing quite a good job at making my children (daughter in particular) feel guilty about getting on with my friend. As yet, the kids don't know that we're together, the Ex has assumed that we have been an item for ages, even though it has only been a matter of weeks. Before now he has asked the kids things like "do you get on with mummy's boyfriend?" which has made them understandably upset.

So now my New Partner is not wanting to come around when the kids are home incase he is making them feel bad, i understand this, but actually just want him to feel able to come over without any stress and to get to know my family...

How do i go about this? I dont want to be having some sneaky sort of relationship that feels like an affair of some sort.. i want to have an honest and open relationship where my kids know exactly whats happening... there is no way that i want to hide things from them, but my new partner is being scared off by Ex's bullying and controlling ways... Ex has also sent an email to New Partner last year telling him to 'do what he wants with her (me) but keep away from the kids'.....

I can understand why New partner is s**t scared, but I want a normal life where i'm not hiding anything....

Thank you.

FBaby

Sorry but I don't see where the issue is. I don't think there is anything wrong about asking one's children if they get on with their other parent new partner. My ex asked that of my new partner and I did the same with his new partner. That does mean they have to feel bad about it. Why would it upset them? All they have to say is 'yes, he's nice and kind to us'

To be honest I don't understand your partner's reaction. Have the children said anything that they don't like him or something that they feel guilty and your partner wants to stay away?

thorsoak

Have you started divorce proceedings yet?

shegirl

Why would you be wanting him round the kids ,getting to know them,when you say you've only been an item 'a matter of weeks?'

Kayalana99

shegirl wrote: »

Why would you be wanting him round the kids ,getting to know them,when you say you've only been an item 'a matter of weeks?'

Because they have known each other for ages and he has already spent time round the family as friend.

Why is everyone being so harsh to OP? Whats wrong with wanting a fresh start without the Ex getting invovled?

19lottie82

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry but I don't see where the issue is. I don't think there is anything wrong about asking one's children if they get on with their other parent new partner. My ex asked that of my new partner and I did the same with his new partner. That does mean they have to feel bad about it. Why would it upset them?

Its not quite as simple as that though, is it? There ate plenty of ways to go about it, and like wise plenty of reasons for doing so. Sure one reason maybe to make sure the kids are happy, but another may be to stir things and cause trouble.

duchy

Perhaps it's time to legally seperate from this man -which would give a very clear message.

It appears that your ex feels, at best, insecure and worried another man will replace him in your kid;s affections but frankly that isn't your problem unless you allow it to be.

Be honest with the kids about your new friend -if their Dad is already making snarky comments you don't want them thinking you are doing anything to be ashamed of.

As for veiled threats from your ex-ignore them -he'll either stop or they will escalate to a point where they aren't so veiled and he puts himself at risk of an injunction. Hopefully the former for his sake.

SunnyCyprus

Thank you all for your comments,

cant start divorce proceedings yet as i have to wait until March 2014, two years after he moved out.

My kids have known Partner for a year already as we work together, they come into my work and have met most of my friends from there, so he is no stranger!

Duchy, how do i go about legal separation? i will have a google I think, it may well help to send the final message to Ex that i really am serious about never going back to him, which isn't the impression he has given the kids.


I had one idea, to meet up with new Partner and ex on neutral territory, local pub or some-such place and sit and have a chat and just say that I'm with someone and the kids will need his support to know that mummy isn't doing anything wrong etc.... Don't know if that would actually be a good idea though. what do you think?

I just feel under Ex's thumb again.. i'm trying to live.. I work, I take care of the children 6 days out of 7, he has them overnight once a week, don't ask for any more help from him.. and now feel like I have to ask his blessing to go ahead with the next part of my life.

FBaby

However, the Ex is doing quite a good job at making my children (daughter in particular) feel guilty about getting on with my friend.

But how is he doing that? How do you know? What have they told you? I guess it is hard to get the picture here because you are not saying much about what your children have said or done to express their guilt to the point that your partner think he shouldn't come over any longer.

Rebecca01

Why wait the two years? Why not do it the unreasonable behaviour way? Its a means to an end.

justme111

Op , if you /your "partner"(by the way partner to me means soomeone who lives with you and certainly someone who you been in a relationship with for more than a couple of weeks) feel conscious about your kids reaction you will have to.sort it in your head , not looking for your ex to be a fairy godfather facilitator.