who would you choose

Brighton_belle

In a perfect world, no of course your childless sister would be better off not having to take in 3 kids. But if she had just lost her sister and bro-in -law in an accident and her 3 nieces/nephews were orphans, I think it would be impossible for her just to walk on by. When the unexpected/tragedy strikes, everything changes and we do what we could never have imaged doing in any other circs. Taking them in my be the only way she find peace and hope after such a tragedy.
I think you need to speak to your sister and talk openly about this with her.
I don't think asking your elder sister to do it is right if she is such an unpleasant woman.

Bennifred

I would speak to your younger sister - the common values and priorities is more important than her current situation, which might be totally different if the worst happened and neither you or your DH was able to bring up your children.
I think it is also important to put in your will(s) how you will enable her to use any moneys available to help with their upbringing (maybe she would need a bigger house, or to move closer to their school, etc) until the youngest leaves school. The solicitor will know how to word it all.
We asked a very close friend to be the potential guardian, even though we have many siblings, because we trusted her to bring them up the way we intended to. She agreed, and we happily released her from the obligation when our youngest turned 18! I expect she was relieved we'd survived that long :beer:

fabforty

pukkamum wrote: »

Not said anything to my little sister yet as I know she would say yes, I'm just not sure it would be fair to even ask.

You don't know what she will say, until you ask. As a mum, you know what a huge undertaking raising children is, especially someone else's and the worst thing that you can do is inflict a life changing decision on someone (regardless of how close you are) without consulting them first. Children might mean that she has to move house, relocate, change or give up her career, affect any relationship that she is in (she might want them but boyfriend/husband might not). Having said that, she might absolutely welcome the chance, so not considering her because your husband thinks that would be unfair, would also be a mistake IMHO.

My suggestion would be to consider the whole of your respective families (close friends as well) and not focus on a particular age group or gender (if that's what you are doing).

pukkamum

fabforty wrote: »

You don't know what she will say, until you ask. As a mum, you know what a huge undertaking raising children is, especially someone else's and the worst thing that you can do is inflict a life changing decision on someone (regardless of how close you are) without consulting them first. Children might mean that she has to move house, relocate, change or give up her career, affect any relationship that she is in (she might want them but boyfriend/husband might not). Having said that, she might absolutely welcome the chance, so not considering her because your husband thinks that would be unfair, would also be a mistake IMHO.

My suggestion would be to consider the whole of your respective families (close friends as well) and not focus on a particular age group or gender (if that's what you are doing).

Tbh we don't really have a big pool of people to consider, my best friend would actually be my first choice apart from my mum but with 3 kids of her own, one of which is disabled, it's a no go.
Dh's family live at the othef end of the country and are virtual strangers to the kids.

The poster who has named her parents raised some very good points about how it can be done with aging parents but we do need a back up plan.

Ms_Chocaholic

Does your husband have any siblings that could be considered?

Kayalana99

I would also rule the older sister out now, it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable with that decision anyway.

Also just to point out, that you could spilt them up. Obvouisly not an ideal choice but do know someone who did it that way...so wanted to put it in their.

System

First choice would be your younger sister but I think you need to talk to her about it first.

pukkamum

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Does your husband have any siblings that could be considered?

He actually has 2 sisters both of whom if they had a relationship with the kids I would consider but they live miles away and neither of them have their own kids or relationships, they both still live at home.

trix-a-belle

I have been in a similar situation to your sister, I'm late 20's single & got a good career. I was asked by my cousin to be her daughters guardian last year when she amended her will after losing her mother the previous year who was named guardian before.
My dad was surprised my cousin didn't ask my mum, but my mum fully understood her reasons as my mum is the older generation. If the worst did happen I would look after my first cousin without question regardless of my situation at the time & know my parents would be there to support & guide me & her, giving her a wider support network at a difficult time.
Maybe chat with your mum as well as your sister, you might find your mum is in the same line of thinking as mine was

thorsoak

Talk to your sister and your parents - maybe you could make them joint guardians if they were prepared to work together.

If you don't sort out something legally, your older sister would assume that she should be granted guardianship - and I understand that would not be what you would wish to happen.

When our children were young, the wills of my brother and my sisters and ours gave joint guardianship of all our children to the whole family. Fortunately now, we all survived :-)