who would you choose

pukkamum

Dh and I are going to do our will and the question of who will raise our children if the worst happens.
My mum is very hands on and close to the kids but at 63 I worry that she is too old to be saddled with 3 kids.
I have 2 sisters, my elder sister has 2 kids of her own, husband on a good wage, and would do it.
However, she is a complete narcissist, her relationship with her husband is terrible, and her priorities and values in life are completely opposite to mine.

My younger sister is unmarried but with a fairly good job, no children, just turned 30. She has values and priorities much more in line with mine.
She would be my first choice, however dh thinks it would be unfair to saddle her with 3 kids when she hasn't even started her own family.

Any thoughts welcome.

kate1976

Have you asked your sister her thoughts and told her you're considering her? If not then that would be the best thing!

Kayalana99

Yea I think you should ask your younger sister for her opinion....although personally I wouldn't want to do it in her situation.

I am to be married, with my own 2 kids and if my sister and partner were to pass, I would happily take in my niece (although this is just one kid I guess) but if I was still single with a career in mind I think I would feel like I would have to give my life up for kids that arent mine... I know that sounds bad I can't really word it better I guess.

I suppose already having a stable family unit makes me feel more capule and I wouldn't have to change my life drasticly to take in another child/children (well it would change my life but not as much as not having children to start with)

lika_86

Please discuss it with all parties first. This is not a light decision to make or an obligation (legal or moral) to thrust upon someone else.

pukkamum

Not said anything to my little sister yet as I know she would say yes, I'm just not sure it would be fair to even ask.

lika_86

If it's not fair to even raise it with her then it's definitely not fair to name her.

pukkamum

lika_86 wrote: »

Please discuss it with all parties first. This is not a light decision to make or an obligation (legal or moral) to thrust upon someone else.

I would never do it without discussing it with said parties just unsure as to which way to lean.
I do know though that in this situation my elder sister would assume she would be the one to do it but quite frankly she would be my last choice.

pukkamum

lika_86 wrote: »

If it's not fair to even raise it with her then it's definitely not fair to name her.

As I said I would never do it without discussion just asking for thoughts really.

lika_86

Sounds like the plot of Raising Helen to me.

skylight

Have a chat with your sister (the one you want!)

I have picked my Dad first and my best friend if Dad is dead. Chatted with both of them about it and there is a plan in place to prevent the kids Dad from having them (whole other story, but he is not capable of looking after himself, let alone kids and social services would never allow him to have the kids anyway should I die - getting that bit out of the way before anyone asks for my life history!)

But why would your sister not have them? If she shares similar values to me and is immediate family then she would be first on my list and it needs to be discussed with her. If your opinions are the same and you get on well, perhaps she already suspects you wouldn't leave the kids with the sister you are not happy with.

Alikay

When our 3 children were little we had similar worries. In the end we decided that my parents and the children had such a close bond it would be unthinkable for them to go to anyone else in the unlikely event that we both died, even though they were getting on a bit.

I had a chat with my mum and dad about it, and we all agreed that they would use part of our life insurance payouts to buy in whatever help or support they'd need to enable them to cope (cleaner, gardener, mother's help/au pair etc) and that they'd move into our larger family home rather than squash the kids into their smaller more remote house. These wishes were written into our wills, but luckily, as in most cases, the plans didn't get put into action.

I'm sure you'll work something out OP, just make sure you put your intentions into your wills, and have sufficient life insurance. Remember its very,very unlikely that the plans will ever be needed.