I HATE my best friend's boyfriend

Jenny484

I agree with a lot of what paulineb has said. I was in an abusive relationship myself and would consider myself to a confident person. Abusers work really systematically. In the beginning they tend to present themselves as if they are your soulmate and mirror all your own values and hopes for the future. Only after that, they start abusing and it's a very slow process so that they slowly chip away at your self esteem.

For now, I think you should just be there as a friend. I think that your friend will wake up one day and realise that no one deserves to be treated this way.

motoe

Been in this situation a couple of times. Best thing to do, is support her whatever happens. Don't bad mouth her boyfriend whatever happens, because if they do break up and you've been bad mouthing them she might find it more difficult to come to you for support because she thinks you'll tell her you told her so (not saying you would).

Maybe suggest you do more things together just the two of you or have girls nights out. That way she'll see her boyfriend less and maybe realize that he's not treating her very well.

Tish_P

I think you can say something. Once. And be gentle, so that she won't feel too foolish to come to you for help if/when she needs it. Along the lines of

"Look, I know you are happy with [Hannibal] a lot of the time, and I don't want to rain on your parade, but sometimes he [tries to marinate you in balsamic vinegar] and sometimes I worry about his [history of cannibalism] and how that might affect your future together."

[alter these bits as appropriate]

System

ilovelondontown wrote: »

Then when she's come to her senses about his attidude, she finishes it, and he sends her horrendous messages like, "I'd think about other people when we had s£x" "You couldn't get me off because you make me sick looking at you" "You'll never find anyone as good as me" so you get the picture.:mad:

I'd tell her to text back: "no harm trying..!" and then block his number.
I think it can only be fear or insecurity that makes her stay with a man like this. Perhaps she thinks 'he's all I'm going to get', which seems a shame

pearl123

ilovelondontown wrote: »

The thing is, we're a close group, without the loser by her side I would usually see her a couple of times a week and would go on holiday with her etc. We went to uni together and we've seen each other though every situation imaginable.

She's more like a sister than just a friend to me. Like I said, I've got no right to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, but it's terribly hard to stand by and watch her go back to man who would say such horrible nasty things when he wasn't getting his own way. QUOTE]

I suspect you are missing your friend and that probably hurts. Often there are major changes when a new partner comes on the scene. Whether you like the boyfriend or not is neither her nor there. It is her business. I agree with those who have said zip it. Whether you like her choice in men is neither here nor there. You risk loosing a friendship completely if you push it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

To give you an idea of what friends do, I was talking with my best friend this week - and during the conversation, I told her about something the Lovely Bloke had said that had upset me and how I'd reacted to it - basically, I shut off and been avoiding him ever since.

She told me that, whether I liked it or not, if she thought I was making a mistake or something was wrong, she would tell me outright. And then proceeded to tell me that shutting off wasn't the right way to deal with him for various reasons.


She was right.



Friends don't lie. Whether somebody chooses to act on the information or not isn't the important thing; it's being able to tell them in the first place and being honest that matters. Considering that 27 is around the time that a lot of women suddenly realise they aren't 'young' anymore and lots of them are getting married and knocking out kids, the biological clock starts ticking audibly - and that's when they are most vulnerable to !!!!!!!!s, because they know it's possible to get away with almost anything when that clock's dictating the woman's thoughts.


Don't nag her about it, just tell her that you're her friend and you love her to bits, but this man is bad for her. But whatever happens, you'll still be her friend and will be there for her. Then leave it.

That way, she knows what you think, but you aren't on her case constantly and she doesn't feel under any pressure from you when she's already being manipulated by the !!!!!!!!. He'll always win because he has the means to provide what she thinks she needs and you don't.


And, hopefully, she'll decide that you were right.

Prothet_of_Doom

As a bloke, I can't believe that some women are that lacking in self estime that they would put up with that sort of treatment. Most of the blokes I know would expect to have their bits removed if they treated a woman so badly.

It's not like nice blokes don't exist. I know a few single professional blokes, who would really like to find a nice partner, but lack the confidence, to go looking.

Perhaps a dating website would be a good place to change this woman's view of the world.

paulineb_2

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

As a bloke, I can't believe that some women are that lacking in self estime that they would put up with that sort of treatment. Most of the blokes I know would expect to have their bits removed if they treated a woman so badly.

It's not like nice blokes don't exist. I know a few single professional blokes, who would really like to find a nice partner, but lack the confidence, to go looking.

Perhaps a dating website would be a good place to change this woman's view of the world.

As I said before, sometimes people go into relationships with decent self esteem and come out of it with their self esteem damaged

My view is the fault lies squarely with the person doing the abusing and sometimes when the penny drops, it can take longer to actually leave. If it were all simple then no one would ever abuse anyone else in a relationship and people would leave at the first sign of trouble. But if someone repeatedly gets called fat, etc and being told no one else will ever want you, that can seriously change someones view of themselves, particularly if its repeated often enough.

And feelings are complex, as I said before people who behave like that dont always show their hand within the first few weeks or months, you'll see someones good side and often, feelings are involved before someone starts upsetting the other person

I personally do know decent guys exist, I know more than a few, unfortunately I dont think Ive ever had a relationship thats been very positive (Ive been single a long time and Im totally ok with that)

What I would say about dating sites, be wary, there are obviously nice men on there and women, but you'll also get your fair share of people who arent so decent

Id say a spell on her own would do this girl better than going straight into looking for someone else, assuming she splits with this latest person.

sedment

Think the best thing you can do it just be there for her. Whether that's listening over a wine or having a bed for her in the middle of the night if he has upset her. He sounds like a right prince, but maybe deep down she knows that, and is "settling" rather than waiting for mr right.
If you go in all guns blazing it will only get her guard up and she potentially cuts herself off from the people who care about her. So unless his comments get really offensive or physically violent, not sure what else you can do apart from be a friendly ear to her. She will probably need it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

As a bloke, I can't believe that some women are that lacking in self estime that they would put up with that sort of treatment. Most of the blokes I know would expect to have their bits removed if they treated a woman so badly.

It's not like nice blokes don't exist. I know a few single professional blokes, who would really like to find a nice partner, but lack the confidence, to go looking.

Perhaps a dating website would be a good place to change this woman's view of the world.

Not so sure about the website idea - there are an awful lot of guys out there who use them knowing that the women who use them are easily convinced into 'putting out' because they are feeling time hanging over them.

But, then again, there are also a lot of genuine blokes using them who don't get the opportunity to meet anybody normally. So perhaps you're right.