I HATE my best friend's boyfriend

paulineb_2

marisco wrote: »

I also struggle to understand why some people settle for relationships that are basically toxic. Someone would have to suffer from very low self esteem and have no sense of self worth, to accept being treated and spoken to as your friend is, and to not feel they deserved so much more. I saw similar happen with one of my friends who preferred to have someone in his life, even though they weren't a good match or very compatible, than be on his own. Personally I cant imagine anything worse. It is very difficult at times to see him get hurt so badly.

Some people do seem to be attracted to bad or very drama ridden relationships. In have never understood this type of attraction. The fact that your friend closes off when from you when she is in these relationships, suggests she doesn't want your opinion on who she is with. Knowing deep down that for very good reason you wont like her choice of partner. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you and let her get on with living life as she chooses to.

Actually no. I had plenty self worth before I met my ex, the first one. It got eroded throughout the relationship and as I said before I didnt see it happening, there were good times and then it just unravelled, took me a long time to realise he had issues with himself and was projecting them onto me

Ive also seen one of the strongest people I know end up in tatters all be it temporarily due to being beaten mentally and physically by an abusive partner

Sometimes when people do chip away at your self esteem, by the time you want to get out, you feel powerless, because when you are told you are fat, worthless, useless, its harder to leave

Even when you know you should get out, it can take a long time to get the courage up to do so

Id say, its more a case of, some people shouldnt be in relationships, because if being in a relationship means all you do is call the other person names, go away and deal with your issues on your own and dont inflict yourself on other people

Now, Id be out of it in 5 minutes, but at 18 and even 29 when I met the last person who was awful to me, it really wasnt that easy.

Lots of people get abused in relationships, even people who have been cared for all their lives by their family and friends.

One of my exes got married about 6 years ago, lasted a year. I bet his wife saw the charming side of him for the few years they were dating, she soon saw otherwise. Hes now married again and yet again I bet his new wife is seeing his best side

Sometimes people take time to show their true colours, its not always that apparent

paulineb_2

meritaten wrote: »

it isn't an 'either - or' situation. you tell her straight you cant stand him - think he is abusive and bad for her - BUT, she is still your friend and you value the friendship and will be THERE for her!
meet her for drinks, lunch, shopping sessions, whatever you two normally enjoy - but, you just wont be around HIM! and you have the numbers of Womens Aid on speed dial for her! you think she had a normal upbringing hun - but, you don't know that for sure. something happened to make this girl think she only deserves scum!

Or maybe shes just never met anyone who treated her decently

fawd1

Tough one. I have a friend who's ex husband kept on telling me and my DH that he couldn't stand her and wanted a divorce, whilst she was planning children. I didn't really want to get involved but in the end (shamefully I should add) I went out with said friend, had a few too many beverages and she asked me what I thought. It all came spilling out, his insulting of her and desire to get a divorce etc etc. She didn't believe me, told me she'd never speak to me again. Then she went home, told her husband what I'd said, expecting an angry rebuttal and he just confirmed it. Said the only reason he's said these things to my husband and me was so that we would tell her he wanted to split up.

Sooo, long story short, one day after I'd told her, they seperated. She is now living with another lovely man, has a great career and her ex (we shall call him by only undesirable names) is living with his mum and unemployed. Basically, sometimes people need to be told, but if she already knows and is trying to "fix" him, she's got no chance. If she's in denial, it might be worth telling her.

Alternatively, have you had a go at him yourself? I wouldn't react kindly to someone speaking to me about my best mate that way.

ilovelondontown

The thing is, we're a close group, without the loser by her side I would usually see her a couple of times a week and would go on holiday with her etc. We went to uni together and we've seen each other though every situation imaginable.

She's more like a sister than just a friend to me. Like I said, I've got no right to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, but it's terribly hard to stand by and watch her go back to man who would say such horrible nasty things when he wasn't getting his own way.

I feel like I need to find a way to be around her without this being the unspoken thing in the room, but you mark my words, other than acknowledging him in any given situation to be civil, I'm not going to give him a second of my time.

Stephb1986_2

I see where the OP is coming from, I had a friend that was very similar. She only contacted me when she was single and wanted someone to hang around with until she got back with him and didn't want to know me anymore. It's about being picked up and dropped when it suits them.

I've given up on the friendship as I kept forgiving time and time again so she can get on with it now.

Steph xx

paulineb_2

ilovelondontown wrote: »

The thing is, we're a close group, without the loser by her side I would usually see her a couple of times a week and would go on holiday with her etc. We went to uni together and we've seen each other though every situation imaginable.

She's more like a sister than just a friend to me. Like I said, I've got no right to tell her what she should or shouldn't do, but it's terribly hard to stand by and watch her go back to man who would say such horrible nasty things when he wasn't getting his own way.

I feel like I need to find a way to be around her without this being the unspoken thing in the room, but you mark my words, other than acknowledging him in any given situation to be civil, I'm not going to give him a second of my time.

I dont actually know what id have done if someone had said to me, btw your bf is a moron, but few people saw it, because he was so nice in public

One friend did but she didnt say anything to me, she said it to my mum who only mentioned it much later as she didnt want to upset me either

He didnt slag me off to her, she just noticed that he put me down in public, but I didnt notice it, no idea why

You have choices, you can say

1 Hes a !!!!!!
2 Or nothing

But as I said before, support either way is the main thing, because when I was in second horrible relationship, I knew, I knew for ages that he was being awful, I just couldnt get out, I was so ground down by all the insults and it took me one day of realising, if I phone him up and tell him to shove off, hes not going to be crying into his beer, in fact he'll be ok, it wont bother him one way or another, I always knew that, I just didnt want to admit it to myself, that someone cared so little about me, I could end the relationship and they wouldnt bother

Again, none of my friends who knew him knew how awful he was to me, they only saw his nice side, if they had seen him in action, they might have stepped in and told me get rid

I do hope she'll see sense and realise single is way preferable to being with someone who cant even be civil to you or about you. I did, but it took me a very long time and not because I was scared of being single.

SkintGypsy

My good friend was in a terrible relationship for a long time. I knew her before it began, and I knew she wasn't happy. I told her what I thought, but didn't push the issue. Eventually she saw the light and left. She came back to me and all her other friends, so thankful we were all still here for her.

Just be there. The middle bit is down to her. X

Dimey

Do you know anyone nice you could introduce your friend to? Maybe even suggest joining a dating agency where she can specify the type of person she deserves? Multiple dates will be exciting for a while and show your friend how most men treat women. Hopefully she'll start to realise how worthless this chap is by comparison.

I would be honest with my friend when she asks my opinion, otherwise don't mention it. I'd also avoid the horrible chap. If he contacted me to discuss my friend I'd tell him I didn't like the way he behaves and would rather not discuss my friend with him.

Outside that I'd try to see the friend on her own as often as possible to boost her esteem and have fun.

maman

It sounds like you don't need to tell her she's made a bad choice. She shows that by keeping away from you when she's in such relationships, probably because she doesn't want to hear what she knows to be true.

I'd suggest 'girlie' trips out. If she tries to suggest he comes along say no and if she asks why then tell her as calmly as possible.

Whether you're prepared to continue a relationship where she seems to sideline you until she needs a shoulder to cry on is something you'll have to think about.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

If you are that close, perhaps it's worth sitting down, and nicely pointing out that several of her partners have shown the same characteristics of being x, y and z and you are concerned that its a cycle that one day, she may be trapped in, due to her cutting herself off when she is in one of these relationships.

Perhaps you could have an emergency word that she could text you if it gets bad enough to need rescuing. Something memorable but obscure. That only you two know about.