I HATE my best friend's boyfriend

ilovelondontown

The title sounds like something you hear in the playground I know, and I don't use the term 'hate' lightly, but on this occasion it's valid.

My closest friend in the world doesn't have a good relationship history, she picks guys who frankly aren't nice people- I'm talking men who have lots of kids with different women then scarper, men who cheat on their partners like it's a hobby, don't want to work and will sponge of anyone who is in close reach. SO I'm not talking about just a clash of personality I'm talking why would anyone want to be with this type.

I've known her for 10 years and she's come from a loving family and doesn't have any "issues" as such other but I know now she's getting to a point that all her friends are starting to settle down she's starting to "panic" about being single in her late 20's (she's 27) and being left on the shelf...I keep trying to tell her that she's far from running out of time and shouldn't settle but it doesn't bring her any comfort and I appreciate it's slightly patronising coming from a married friend....anyhow

I know I can't stop her from seeing anyone, and I don't intend to try but this latest guy who she's on/off again with is just horrible.

One minute he's all sweetness and kind and the next he's drunk and telling her friends ie, ME that she's fat and that if she doesn't loose weight he's going to dump her (she's not fat)

Then when she's come to her senses about his attidude, she finishes it, and he sends her horrendous messages like, "I'd think about other people when we had s£x" "You couldn't get me off because you make me sick looking at you" "You'll never find anyone as good as me" so you get the picture.:mad:

Having seen all the way through this, it made my blood boil that someone could say such things, and now there is no way I feel like I can support her decision to get back with him, and while I know I can't tell her who she can and can't be with, I just don't know HOW I can keep a close friendship going when she's going out with such... lowlife.

When she's with these men, she becomes distant and doesn't want to see me, which in the past she's told me is because she knows I don't approve but I miss her, I miss chatting and just hanging out together, which we do a lot when low life aren't around.

I would LOVE nothing more than for her to find someone worth settling down with but for some reason or another she's attracted to horrible, horrible men

balletshoes

You're right - you can't change her, so you need to stay neutral. If you value her friendship, and you really can't support her choice to get back together with this man again, you tell her once, calmly, why. Then you don't mention it again, and tell her you'll always be there for her as a friend. No need to labour the point, its not going to help her, or your friendship with her.

thorsoak

He's her boyfriend - not yours. She has to life HER life - not yours - and she has to make her own mistakes!

If you want to keep your best friend, you'll keep your mouth shut!! OK - you may have to be the shoulder to cry on when everything goes bottoms up - but you have to resist saying "I told you so".

In other words - keep your thoughts to yourself!

maintenanceman

I disagree that@ you should keep your mouth shut' Anyone worth their salt would tell her she is making a mistake. Any real friend would, regardless of the consequences. The only problem is that they won't listen to you, but doing the right thing is more important, in my opinion.
A relation of mine comes crying every couple of months and I tell him loose her. It doesn't make any difference but at least I am honest with him and have his best interests at heart.

paulineb_2

Shes your friend. And as such you support her, at arms length if need be

I was in an abusive relationship when I was 18, it wasnt always like that, it was a drip drip effect and I didnt even realise it was abusive, horrible comments to me and to my friends, but he had decent qualities as well and for the first few months, longer, all was ok, so by the time you realise all is not well, your head is messed up

As for being on the shelf at 27, seriously, Im 44 and single, if I had worried about being on the shelf, Id have given up years ago

If you cant be supportive no matter what, then distance yourself and dont get involved, because everyone out there can meet idiots, we arent all that lucky that we meet decent partners and its not always a matter of whats wrong with you, sometimes its just sheer bad luck

paulineb_2

ilovelondontown wrote: »

The title sounds like something you hear in the playground I know, and I don't use the term 'hate' lightly, but on this occasion it's valid.

My closest friend in the world doesn't have a good relationship history, she picks guys who frankly aren't nice people- I'm talking men who have lots of kids with different women then scarper, men who cheat on their partners like it's a hobby, don't want to work and will sponge of anyone who is in close reach. SO I'm not talking about just a clash of personality I'm talking why would anyone want to be with this type.

I've known her for 10 years and she's come from a loving family and doesn't have any "issues" as such other but I know now she's getting to a point that all her friends are starting to settle down she's starting to "panic" about being single in her late 20's (she's 27) and being left on the shelf...I keep trying to tell her that she's far from running out of time and shouldn't settle but it doesn't bring her any comfort and I appreciate it's slightly patronising coming from a married friend....anyhow

I know I can't stop her from seeing anyone, and I don't intend to try but this latest guy who she's on/off again with is just horrible.

One minute he's all sweetness and kind and the next he's drunk and telling her friends ie, ME that she's fat and that if she doesn't loose weight he's going to dump her (she's not fat)

Then when she's come to her senses about his attidude, she finishes it, and he sends her horrendous messages like, "I'd think about other people when we had s£x" "You couldn't get me off because you make me sick looking at you" "You'll never find anyone as good as me" so you get the picture.:mad:

Having seen all the way through this, it made my blood boil that someone could say such things, and now there is no way I feel like I can support her decision to get back with him, and while I know I can't tell her who she can and can't be with, I just don't know HOW I can keep a close friendship going when she's going out with such... lowlife.

When she's with these men, she becomes distant and doesn't want to see me, which in the past she's told me is because she knows I don't approve but I miss her, I miss chatting and just hanging out together, which we do a lot when low life aren't around.

I would LOVE nothing more than for her to find someone worth settling down with but for some reason or another she's attracted to horrible, horrible men

You can see through things, of course you can, you arent in the middle of it, I can assure you, when you are in the middle of a difficult relationship, its much much harder.

Lara44

I think the best thing you could do is help her to feel really good about herself, and emphasise that she deserves to be treated well.

paulineb_2

Sometimes you have to have that penny drop moment of I deserve better and I bet you it will come, took me a long long time. All I can say is, the first horrible relationship I had chipped away at me so much on some level I think I didnt deserve any better, which is ridiculous but thats the way it was

And the person who treated me badly second time around did get kicked to the kerb, but a long time after I should have

Sometimes you know a relationship is wrong, it can just take time to admit to yourself you deserve better, never mind other people

I also had a supportive family, no one ever in my life ever gave me grief about myself (I got all the fat comments as well, as useless, stupid, the lot) but boyfriends did

People dont come with I am a !!!! tattooed on their head, it can take time to suss people out and even longer to do anything about it.

Im sure I bent the ears off a lot of friends way before I ever finished with someone who was horrible to me

The main thing was, I got out.

dandelionclock30

Leave her to it, she knows what the score is with this guy. Its upto her what she takes from him.Shes an adult and makes her own choices.
Just concentrate on your own life, other friends and your family.If you stay friends with her then just meet her by herself and dont talk about her boyfriend.
Honestly its not your problem.

marisco_2

I also struggle to understand why some people settle for relationships that are basically toxic. Someone would have to suffer from very low self esteem and have no sense of self worth, to accept being treated and spoken to as your friend is, and to not feel they deserved so much more. I saw similar happen with one of my friends who preferred to have someone in his life, even though they weren't a good match or very compatible, than be on his own. Personally I cant imagine anything worse. It was very difficult at times to see him get hurt so badly.

Some people do seem to be attracted to bad or very drama ridden relationships. In have never understood this type of attraction. The fact that your friend closes off from you when she is in these relationships, suggests she doesn't want your opinion on who she is with. Knowing deep down that for very good reason you wont like her choice of partner. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you and let her get on with living life as she chooses to.

meritaten

it isn't an 'either - or' situation. you tell her straight you cant stand him - think he is abusive and bad for her - BUT, she is still your friend and you value the friendship and will be THERE for her!
meet her for drinks, lunch, shopping sessions, whatever you two normally enjoy - but, you just wont be around HIM! and you have the numbers of Womens Aid on speed dial for her! you think she had a normal upbringing hun - but, you don't know that for sure. something happened to make this girl think she only deserves scum!