Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

fc123

AlexLK wrote: »

Finally managed to speak to the awkward creditor and get a response of £25 per month from them and interest frozen for six months.

).

Good news....

AlexLK wrote: »

We did go to see a nursery today,



I was not particularly impressed with what they deemed as "educational" activities though, nor with the standard they deemed as school ready but we've agreed to try him here (he only needs to book for two afternoons and then move him somewhere else that takes education more seriously).

It's all been said already on here but, come on mate, he's only 3. One of the best education systems in Europe is the Swedish one and no child has any 'formal' learning until aged 7. Small kids learn from play.

I was surprised by his reaction but not impressed that the lady in charge seemed not at all interested in our son's developmental milestones chart we took along

You don't need one of those as you can see and feel your sons development.

And as to the comments made in the other posts, I do feel if you met all the contributors to your 2 threads over the past 2 weeks, all lined up in front of you with a synopsis of their lives hung around their necks for your inspection, many of us wouldn't fit into your category of 'Suitable'.

Why are you so scared of people?

kissjenn

Alex I don't know if this helps or not but I have a little story.

Like you and Mrs K I'm smart. Smart enough to be on a graduate scheme at 17 because I got higher scores than all the graduates. Smart enough to have an IQ in the top 0.1% of the UK. So imagine the dreams I had for my baby.

Well he had Aspergers and didn't talk until he was 5 and in nappies 'til 7. Five years of swimming lessons to be able to do a width. Still can't ride a bike. Two years and over 150 driving lessons but he has his licence now.

He works two shifts a week in a charity shop manning the till. He's never late and never misses a day. He's one of the happiest people I know and he fills me with such love and pride they've not invented the measure for it yet.

You have no idea what's ahead in life or what your boy may want to do. He may be the smartest cookie in the box and want to surf professionally, he may hate music but love cricket, you don't know. He needs to be allowed to move in the world with you to pick him up and dust him off when he falls. He needs to make friends and mistakes, he needs to be allowed to find out who he is.

My mad mother used to say "Better to be washing his knees than his sheets". Be thankful he's strong and healthy and burning to join the world. Many would give anything for that.

Readytobefree

AlexLK wrote: »

I am aware that what I have said may come across as being "snobbish". However, very close to the nursery (and to the others locally) is a rather rough council estate or "housing association": a lot of the children's parents are single mothers in their (early) twenties without a husband or a stable job. Many of them have a couple of children by different fathers.

On the other note, I hope I am not guilty of being a "pushy parent" and I will try my best not to be too involved to the point of my son becoming ostracised. In fact, I am not planning on talking to the other parents at all.

I am totally gutted and offended by this post. I was that single mother in my early twenties. I was left alone with my child with no money and barely able to afford to keep a roof over our head, but I plowed through relentlessly, working hard and even put myself through university to give us a better life. I didnt want to be alone. I am genuinely heartbroken by your comments and the way you feel it is okay to judge others because of your priveliged upbringing. You have no idea what those people that you are judging are going through.
Maybe it's worth remembering the higher you are the further you have to fall.

fc123

Maybe some of us could do a 2 line synopsis of our lives. Just to list the variety of people contributing to this thread....

You come back to chat on the thread and some of the chat has been lively and varied with a few judgements and disagreements but, from what I have read, we are all a very different bunch from all types of lives and backgrounds.


The one thing in common is we are or have been in debt, enough debt for us to seek a solution.

scottishspendaholic

I has been quietly following & supporting you Alex, since your first post. I had really warmed to you & looked forward to hearing your updates & progress; however I have found the attitudes & opinions you have posted today really hard to swallow.

I work with people who have nothing. Their benefits have been sanctioned or their ex hasn't paid for child or they just can't make their meagre money stretch - I go into their homes & it's freezing, even with my coat on & they have nothing - no possessions, nothing to look forward to, every day is a struggle & heartbreakingly, they've nothing to eat & the most helpful thing I can do is organise a referral to the local foodbank.

Your attitude is cr&p, how dare you look down on people, when you have been so incredibly lucky?

AlexLK

Softlass wrote: »

Reading that you took you child's developmental chart actually made me laugh out loud! I would love to have seen the face of the woman, or at least the one she wanted to pull! My child went to nursery close to my local university where I work. There were a mix of kids from professors children to those who were just there to benefit from the 15 hours free sessions. I have to say the behaviour could range from very naughty to perfectly pleasant from children of all backgrounds. Those who behaved best were secure at home and spent quality time with their parents. But my son learned valuable lessons before he reached 4. We had conversations about the children being dropped off with a packet of ready salted crisps and why that wasn't an appropriate breakfast. Chats about how he preferred to play with some children over others and why that might be (the ones who could share). Nursery/ socialising in whatever form is vital, get him to nursery and start the dialogue about differences. It might even help you to get his opinion (children don't know how to judge). I am constantly amazed that even at 5 my sons description of someone of a different race will never include mention of the colour of their skin. Kids just don't see it (or I have never raised it as an issue)

For someone very educated it does appear you have missed that element of socialisation and have always been able to stick with and impress your 'own type',open your eyes just a little. Society is full of interesting people with interesting stories, don't judge a book by its cover or presume everyone is like you. It is very easy to do when you go to a good school and head off to university.

I love that you came on here to sort out your debts but as soon as you lay bare your thoughts you learn thing you never intended to.

Best of luck Alex, you will do this, probably faster than any of us could hope

Thank you for such an encouraging post. I took it along to demonstrate he has achieved certain milestones attributed to 3-4 year old when he is not quite three yet. It was to illustrate the point that Mrs. K. and I are not just "proud parents" who believe our son is over achieving for the sake of it.

I suppose I have always made friends with similar people of similar backgrounds. Well those and people of all sorts of backgrounds that like classic cars, who tend to be retired, :rotfl:. My parents did not allow me to do anything they deemed as being something "certain characters" would like to be involved in when I was a child which did affect what type of things I was interested in growing up.

Rather intrigued to find out son's reaction to the other children now. Very much doubt he'll meet anybody who isn't white and British though around here. However, personally I've not mentioned the colour of somebody's skin to him so I doubt he'd be that interested. He likes going to other countries and trying their foods though - not allowed him to become a fussy eater as he eats what we eat.

fc123 wrote: »

Good news....

It's all been said already on here but, come on mate, he's only 3. One of the best education systems in Europe is the Swedish one and no child has any 'formal' learning until aged 7. Small kids learn from play.

You don't need one of those as you can see and feel your sons development.

And as to the comments made in the other posts, I do feel if you met all the contributors to your 2 threads over the past 2 weeks, all lined up in front of you with a synopsis of their lives hung around their necks for your inspection, many of us wouldn't fit into your category of 'Suitable'.

Why are you so scared of people?

You are most probably right ... my wife didn't fit into my category of "Suitable", less still my parents category of "Suitable for me to even speak to"! :rotfl: I refused to let her meet my parents for months and months because I was convinced they'd clash.

I haven't always been like this but since going through various (mental) health problems, I have withdrew from getting to know other people. I've got better over these past couple of years but at one point I didn't speak to anybody that I didn't know nor go anywhere unfamiliar.

mum2one

Alex - I dont know if you need a reality check, I'm sorry to be blunt, but as a single mother, I suddenly feel as though I am something you wouldn't share the day with, i'd be below you in the social circle.

Some people dont ask to become single parents, yes there are going to be some mothers that will pop out kids by different fathers to get all the benefits - but there are those people who end up a single parent through no fault of their own.

I grew up in a council house, with 2 working parents, who loved me to bits, they had heartache, they lost there 1st daughter with cancer when she was 18 mths old, does that make them bad people because they lived in a council house, my dad worked 40+ yrs in the same jobs, my mum went to work as a cleaner when I was at school then worked in the care sector, they brought the house in the 1980s. they most prob paid for it 100 times over in rent.

I went to a secondary school, then college, then I worked my way through my job, I worked as a manager, but I took a downgrade to put myself back through college, I achieved a HNC, I then had 2 car accidents, some damage done, but manageable with physio and a wack of tablets, I then found out I had pre-cancerous cells which were treated, (successfully) but I nearly died as I had a reaction, and in the middle of this find out that I was about 6 weeks pregnant and losing the baby......then being told due to the health issues I would be very unlikely to be able to have children,

I had to pick up the pieces, I then ended up being head hunted back to my old managers job, my then partner couldn't accept the situation, the hrs, the stress, not being able to have kids, so we split.

The job wasn't right, working 70hrs a week for a 39hr salary, so I had made plans for the following yr to move 200 miles, start a new life, just needed to bide my time. Met someone on the rebound, he knew that I was planning to move,he seemed to good to be true, 6 weeks later I'm pregnant...... he's over the moon, work make my life hell, as such I was signed off sick, then wahay - the bubble burst, reality crept in, due to the injuries from my car accident which only materalised due to the pregnancy, I was told there was a 50/50 chance I wouldnt walk, if I was lucky I'd be in a wheelchair, - then my partners true colours show through.

Shall I sum up Domestic violence, 999 calls, solicitors so I can protect the unborn child, all the same time as fighting my employer for what became unfair constructive dismissal.

I had to be induced early, as the hospital didnt want my by now ex-partner around, for the safety of their staff.

So I ended up a single parent, I spent 3 yrs fighting my employer, my case even ended up in London at the Employment court of appeals, I eventually took an out of court settlement.

Health wise, I'm celebrating if you want to call it that - 11 years of being on crutches, disabled, life is a military planned operation, going on holiday, is it disabled friendly, how many stairs, can i get in the pool, having to ask my daughter to put my socks on as I can't bend down.

Yet during this I managed to study with Open Uni, I got as far as a Foundation degree, - not bad for a girl from a council estate.

I dont have fancy pens, fancy clothes, I have debts up to my eyeballs, a lot from just trying to live a normal live, trying to give my daughter a normal life, as for reasons that I can't disclose she hasn't been able to have the freedom other kids have unless we are away from home, but she knows she can talk to me, for instance they had spelling test last year for assesment, she was dropped a group, did a throw a temper, did I demand to know why, no, I accepted that there are things in life she is better at that others, and I will do what I can to support her and help her achieve in the academic status.

You talk about 5k watches, 1k pens, have they brought you happiness? the answer sounds nom the most expensive item I own is a Radley Handbag, that cost me £200, a drop in the ocean to someone like you, but I value that bag, as its a reminder that I am worth it.

I haven't told you my life story to ask for sympthay, but to say you need to get your head out of the clouds and get rid of that pompus attitude. Dont judge everyone by whether there a single parent or a £100k double income family, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors.

AlexLK

kissjenn wrote: »

Alex I don't know if this helps or not but I have a little story.

Like you and Mrs K I'm smart. Smart enough to be on a graduate scheme at 17 because I got higher scores than all the graduates. Smart enough to have an IQ in the top 0.1% of the UK. So imagine the dreams I had for my baby.

Well he had Aspergers and didn't talk until he was 5 and in nappies 'til 7. Five years of swimming lessons to be able to do a width. Still can't ride a bike. Two years and over 150 driving lessons but he has his licence now.

He works two shifts a week in a charity shop manning the till. He's never late and never misses a day. He's one of the happiest people I know and he fills me with such love and pride they've not invented the measure for it yet.

You have no idea what's ahead in life or what your boy may want to do. He may be the smartest cookie in the box and want to surf professionally, he may hate music but love cricket, you don't know. He needs to be allowed to move in the world with you to pick him up and dust him off when he falls. He needs to make friends and mistakes, he needs to be allowed to find out who he is.

My mad mother used to say "Better to be washing his knees than his sheets". Be thankful he's strong and healthy and burning to join the world. Many would give anything for that.

Readytobefree wrote: »

I am totally gutted and offended by this post. I was that single mother in my early twenties. I was left alone with my child with no money and barely able to afford to keep a roof over our head, but I plowed through relentlessly, working hard and even put myself through university to give us a better life. I didnt want to be alone. I am genuinely heartbroken by your comments and the way you feel it is okay to judge others because of your priveliged upbringing. You have no idea what those people that you are judging are going through.
Maybe it's worth remembering the higher you are the further you have to fall.

scottishspendaholic wrote: »

I has been quietly following & supporting you Alex, since your first post. I had really warmed to you & looked forward to hearing your updates & progress; however I have found the attitudes & opinions you have posted today really hard to swallow.

I work with people who have nothing. Their benefits have been sanctioned or their ex hasn't paid for child or they just can't make their meagre money stretch - I go into their homes & it's freezing, even with my coat on & they have nothing - no possessions, nothing to look forward to, every day is a struggle & heartbreakingly, they've nothing to eat & the most helpful thing I can do is organise a referral to the local foodbank.

Your attitude is cr&p, how dare you look down on people, when you have been so incredibly lucky?

I'm sorry and very ashamed of myself. These three posts have really made me stop for a moment and think about some of the things I say. I've no doubt this most likely sounds insincere now but I am struggling to type a reply.

wegle

AlexLK wrote: »

I did not mean to come across as judgemental or as a snob, though I do see how my comments could have been read. I just don't want my son being sucked into a bad crowd from an early age. Both Mrs. K. and I find ourselves concerned, that is all.

There's nothing wrong with being concerned and wanting the best for your son, I'm sure that's very natural. If that's the problem then say that and ask for appropriate advice. Regardless of how you intended the below to come across it is rude, judgemental and snobbish.

AlexLK wrote: »

I am aware that what I have said may come across as being "snobbish". However, very close to the nursery (and to the others locally) is a rather rough council estate or "housing association": a lot of the children's parents are single mothers in their (early) twenties without a husband or a stable job. Many of them have a couple of children by different fathers.

You're an educated man with very capable writing skills. Maybe a bit of engage brain before fingers wouldn't go amiss every now and again. I'm sure there are people on here who live on housing estates, are young and have children, maybe some even with children with different fathers. However you meant the above to come across imagine you were one of them, you'd been posting on this thread offering advice and support and then the person you've been helping posts something like that. It's not nice is it.

I'm not asking you to justify yourself or trying to tell you off. Just asking if you could maybe think a little bit more about what you want to say and how to say it.

Readytobefree

Apology accepted Alex.

This is a total learning curve for you isn't it? But you can see from everyone's story that despite the lows we have all been humbled and thankful for what we have. I hope for you and your family that this current adversity brings more than a debt free life.
It is good to see you are taking advice from others too