Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

LondonGal

I'm very new to this thread, but I do not about privileged backgrounds and I also know about being in debt. Having finally crawled to the stage we are now I have set up a fully licensed and insured debt help charity.

It is EXTREMELY important you get a firm handle on your personal finances. You really have no excuse for not doing, save that you are actually choosing not to. I apologise if this sounds harsh, but it's true. Had you erred a small amount it would be different, but I've been where you are and I'm not going to judge you as I've done the same.

However, the reality for me was a very short lived feeling of having done something good, and an endless feeling of guilt and having let everyone (not just myself) down.

No amount of money can buy love, I don't need to tell you that, and there is much truth in the saying little things mean a lot.

PLEASE, for your sake and the sake of your wife (and family?) get a real grip on your situation and do something about it.

I apologise I haven't read the full thread, or I may be able to be of more help. What I do know for sure though is you will never spend your way out of debt, and you will never spend your way to real happiness.

I'll try to find time tomorrow to read this properly to see if I'm able or not to help further.

AlexLK

AliBee16 wrote: »

Wow Alex. You must see how delusional this sounds. You are spending virtually half my yearly salary on a present for your wife to keep her happy, even though she has left you with no money to spend, and is the main breadwinner. I cant believe that your wife would expect this from you, if she knows your situation. AND you are still in debt.

I'm unsure how I'm being "delusional"? My wife does not expect this from me, I was just trying to do something nice for her.

maman wrote: »

While I'd agree with that statement in itself Alex, it saddens me hugely that you believe it's only possible to hang on to MrsK by buying her a ridiculously expensive present that you can't afford.

What you've written is a bit cryptic but I suspect you've bought yourself something as well, equally expensive and unaffordable.

I'm getting a bit philosophical about your situation.

I understand that common sense and personal pride tells you that you should clear your debts and sort yourself out. You're perfectly capable of doing that and have made great strides and could do more.

Balanced against that you've had a privileged background which you can't let go and you know that you'll inherit and aren't averse to moving into the big house and maybe letting your parents finance school fees.

If that was all then I'd give you a big kick up the proverbial and let rip with my political views on posh boys etc. BUT.....

sadly you have this worry that MrsK will leave and presumably take LittleK with her. So you 'pay' her to stay.

If I were you I'd, at least, clear your debts so you can move forward with your head held high. But that's your choice.

Yes, I've bought myself something which wasn't exactly "cheap". However, I'm somewhat regretting that purchase and may one day let it go to a new home for more than I paid. So, that one is a win-win; I get to enjoy it, then at some point move it on and make a little money.

As for my situation, things are much better than they were this time last year in regard to the amount of debt I was in. My own personal money situation was much better then due to how the household finances worked. However, the debt situation is now under control. Common sense and personal pride does indeed tell me to clear the debts first and foremost but I'm currently finding it very difficult to motivate myself (not just with the debts, either).

My background has little to do with clearing the debts as I refuse to let my parents bail me out this time. As for their house, yes it's no secret, I'd love to call it mine. I do not wish for my parents to cover my son's school fees for various reasons. However, that may end up happening if there is no alternative.

Lastly, I do not 'pay' my wife to stay with me, if she were some kind of "gold digger" she'd do much, much better with somebody else. Nor do I believe the only possible way to hang on to Mrs. K. is to buy her gifts, I was merely trying to make an effort for what is, to us, an occasion to celebrate.

LondonGal wrote: »

I'm very new to this thread, but I do not about privileged backgrounds and I also know about being in debt. Having finally crawled to the stage we are now I have set up a fully licensed and insured debt help charity.

It is EXTREMELY important you get a firm handle on your personal finances. You really have no excuse for not doing, save that you are actually choosing not to. I apologise if this sounds harsh, but it's true. Had you erred a small amount it would be different, but I've been where you are and I'm not going to judge you as I've done the same.

However, the reality for me was a very short lived feeling of having done something good, and an endless feeling of guilt and having let everyone (not just myself) down.

No amount of money can buy love, I don't need to tell you that, and there is much truth in the saying little things mean a lot.

PLEASE, for your sake and the sake of your wife (and family?) get a real grip on your situation and do something about it.

I apologise I haven't read the full thread, or I may be able to be of more help. What I do know for sure though is you will never spend your way out of debt, and you will never spend your way to real happiness.

I'll try to find time tomorrow to read this properly to see if I'm able or not to help further.

LondonGal: Thank you for your advice. I have a grip on my finances and have not spent any money on credit.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes, I've bought myself something which wasn't exactly "cheap". However, I'm somewhat regretting that purchase and may one day let it go to a new home for more than I paid. So, that one is a win-win; I get to enjoy it, then at some point move it on and make a little money.


OK, so it's something you can sell on at a future date if needs be but my point was that you couldn't really afford it in the first place. You may not be using credit as such but it does sound a bit like robbing poor Peter.

As for my situation, things are much better than they were this time last year in regard to the amount of debt I was in.


Totally agree that you've doe a great deal to pay off your debts but this seems to have stalled.

My own personal money situation was much better then due to how the household finances worked. However, the debt situation is now under control. Common sense and personal pride does indeed tell me to clear the debts first and foremost but I'm currently finding it very difficult to motivate myself (not just with the debts, either).


I do have great sympathy here Alex. I can see that retail therapy cheers you out of depression but it's a really temporary fix.

My background has little to do with clearing the debts as I refuse to let my parents bail me out this time. As for their house, yes it's no secret, I'd love to call it mine. I do not wish for my parents to cover my son's school fees for various reasons. However, that may end up happening if there is no alternative.


To me, letting your parents bail you out and/or letting them pay school fees is one and the same thing. Because of your background you have an aspiration to live in the big house and send your son to private schools. There are alternatives as you well know. One is clearing your debts and paying your own way but that would probably mean MrsK coming on board. Another is sending LittleK to state schools, hardly a fate worse than death.

Lastly, I do not 'pay' my wife to stay with me, if she were some kind of "gold digger" she'd do much, much better with somebody else. Nor do I believe the only possible way to hang on to Mrs. K. is to buy her gifts, I was merely trying to make an effort for what is, to us, an occasion to celebrate.


Sorry if I came across as harsh but it does sound as if the only times MrsK is happy is when she's spending money. It may be hard for you to understand but for most people on these boards, spending thousands of pounds on an anniversary gift (however lovingly intentioned) is madness for someone in debt.

I'm sure you really do want to get out of your debts but advice is just what it is. You can take it or leave it. It's just so frustrating when the solutions seem obvious but you choose to do the opposite and spend more!!

AlexLK

maman: This is going to be rather quick as I was just about to go to bed but thank you for your post.

I am struggling to see the "point" in getting financially straight as I will still continue to be worse off than I ever have been before. Mrs. K. currently holds all the cards at the moment and I suppose the spending from my business account gave me some feeling of control again. That is not to say it was the right thing to do. However, I'm more annoyed by the item I purchased for myself that the one for my wife for I was only carrying on tradition (it's nothing new, I always buy her something nice for our wedding anniversary). Yes, there may be an element of me feeling she deserves it for putting up with me for another year but no demands have come from her.

As for my wife and her spending, yes shopping is a hobby to her. She hated the few months that she was on board and decided in that time she had no desire to live any type of "frugal existence". To her, she feels she earns a very good income due to the fact it is more than her parents managed combined, justifying her own spending. To me, her job is of a distinctly average nature.

ETA: My parents paying school fees is not "bailing me out". My father was in his mid-forties when I was born and admits in his early-thirties his own financial position was not greatly better than my own. My son needs to have an education.

pebbles88

AlexLK wrote: »

maman: This is going to be rather quick as I was just about to go to bed but thank you for your post.

I am struggling to see the "point" in getting financially straight as I will still continue to be worse off than I ever have been before. Mrs. K. currently holds all the cards at the moment and I suppose the spending from my business account gave me some feeling of control again. That is not to say it was the right thing to do. However, I'm more annoyed by the item I purchased for myself that the one for my wife for I was only carrying on tradition (it's nothing new, I always buy her something nice for our wedding anniversary). Yes, there may be an element of me feeling she deserves it for putting up with me for another year but no demands have come from her.

As for my wife and her spending, yes shopping is a hobby to her. She hated the few months that she was on board and decided in that time she had no desire to live any type of "frugal existence". To her, she feels she earns a very good income due to the fact it is more than her parents managed combined, justifying her own spending. To me, her job is of a distinctly average nature.

ETA: My parents paying school fees is not "bailing me out". My father was in his mid-forties when I was born and admits in his early-thirties his own financial position was not greatly better than my own. My son needs to have an education.

Alex, the 'distinctly average nature' job is what's paying your families bills. Yet that statement gives the impression the job is beneath you? Probably as she didn't attend the kind of school you think is acceptable?


Your parents paying little k's school fees is bailing you out, however you choose to dress it up. You've said that yourself on here many times, your son will get an education regardless of which school he goes to, the only ones hung up on that are you & your parents.

In 20 - 30 years time, I truly hope little k is living a healthy & happy life of his choosing, & that he doesn't feel he cannot live his life the way he wants because of what his parents & grandparents expect of him because of what had to happen for him to go to a particular school. I also hope you are happy as well Alex, as everyone deserves to be.

I do blame your parents for how much pressure they have put on you & constantly reminded you when you haven't lived up to their expectations - why any parent would do that, knowing how much it hurts their child is beyond me. Please Don't repeat their mistakes.

I hope I'm wrong, but it seems your now blurring the lines to justify these things to yourself. You can't have it both ways.

As others have said, it's positively :wall: :wall: to watch this happen!

AlexLK

pebbles88 wrote: »

Alex, the 'distinctly average nature' job is what's paying your families bills. Yet that statement gives the impression the job is beneath you? Probably as she didn't attend the kind of school you think is acceptable?

Hi pebbles, I do not think my wife's choice of job is "beneath me" and it being of a distinctly average nature has nothing to do with the school she attended as a child. That sentence was in regard to her salary which is nothing special. I further resent your comment that she pays the bills for she does not pay them alone.

pebbles88 wrote: »

Your parents paying little k's school fees is bailing you out, however you choose to dress it up. You've said that yourself on here many times, your son will get an education regardless of which school he goes to, the only ones hung up on that are you & your parents.

In 20 - 30 years time, I truly hope little k is living a healthy & happy life of his choosing, & that he doesn't feel he cannot live his life the way he wants because of what his parents & grandparents expect of him because of what had to happen for him to go to a particular school. I also hope you are happy as well Alex, as everyone deserves to be.

I do blame your parents for how much pressure they have put on you & constantly reminded you when you haven't lived up to their expectations - why any parent would do that, knowing how much it hurts their child is beyond me. Please Don't repeat their mistakes.

I hope I'm wrong, but it seems your now blurring the lines to justify these things to yourself. You can't have it both ways.

As others have said, it's positively :wall: :wall: to watch this happen!

Currently I do not know the best action to take with regard to my son's schooling. It seems no matter how we do this I lose some self respect, be that him attending a state school which we can (obviously) afford or my parents paying. Of course, like any parent, I have expectations.

I greatly object to the implication that I am setting my own son up to be unhappy as that is the last thing I intend to do. I spend many, many hours making sure my son has a happy childhood be that spending time with him, making toys for him or planning new things to do together. Why would I do that if I wanted him to be unhappy?

I am unsure of what "things" you refer to that I cannot have "both ways".

heartbreak_star

Must be lovely to have an average job and an average salary that means you can just go out and buy things all the time. Get me a job like that please!

Part of me wishes that Mrs K's credit rating ends up wrecked somehow too...then you might both see the light.

Good luck. I think you might need it.

(ETA: You do awesome things for your son but you and Mrs K are enabling each others' bad habits.)

HBS x

maman

It's hard to assess what you might consider an 'average nature job' in terms of salary. I'd always assumed MrsK was a high earner based on her aspirations for the new BMW and her choice in gloves;).


I've given some thought to your parents 'bailing you out' over LittleK' potential fees and if we're being pedantic you're right. So they're not strictly bailing you out yet but they would be if you made a commitment to fees you couldn't afford. However, as loving and caring grandparents they are probably offering to pay which isn't quite the same thing. Either way, although completely well meant, you're aspiring to a lifestyle choice (child at private school) which you can't afford to maintain.


Both the above demonstrate to me that you're living beyond your means which is why you've got yourself on here in the first place. When you said 'I am struggling to see the "point" in getting financially straight as I will still continue to be worse off than I ever have been before' I was perplexed. Are you saying that you're happier living off 'borrowed' money be that from your business account or your parents rather than face the reality of living to the standard that your current income allows?

pebbles88

AlexLK wrote: »

Hi pebbles, I do not think my wife's choice of job is "beneath me" and it being of a distinctly average nature has nothing to do with the school she attended as a child. That sentence was in regard to her salary which is nothing special. I further resent your comment that she pays the bills for she does not pay them alone.

you've also admitted you resent that it is her wage which is covering the majority share of the bills.

Currently I do not know the best action to take with regard to my son's schooling. It seems no matter how we do this I lose some self respect, be that him attending a state school which we can (obviously) afford or my parents paying. Of course, like any parent, I have expectations.

I greatly object to the implication that I am setting my own son up to be unhappy as that is the last thing I intend to do. I spend many, many hours making sure my son has a happy childhood be that spending time with him, making toys for him or planning new things to do together. Why would I do that if I wanted him to be unhappy?

Alex, as I've said many times, you do wonderful things for your son.

My implication as you put it, is we've seen on here you admit how unhappy you are due to your parents expectations & that you feel you'll never be good enough, either for them & Mrs K at times.

I just hope that the situation isn't the same when little k grows up, & that you haven't added more things to feel bad over if you have to rely on your parents for school fees.

I am unsure of what "things" you refer to that I cannot have "both ways".

as above, & because you seem to be struggling making decisions on financially what you will & won't accept help with.
I know a lot of that is down to your depression, & how you feel about yourself. Which is a really really hard daily struggle I know.

I really hope that one day you are rich in the things that really matter in life & realise that money isn't one of those things. Money comes, money goes, the ones that love you, don't.

pebbles88

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Must be lovely to have an average job and an average salary that means you can just go out and buy things all the time. Get me a job like that please!

Part of me wishes that Mrs K's credit rating ends up wrecked somehow too...then you might both see the light.

Good luck. I think you might need it.

(ETA: You do awesome things for your son but you and Mrs K are enabling each others' bad habits.)

HBS x

Spot on HBS X