Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

boo2410

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Get thee to thy doctor ! Before you end up with something much worse !

And bed ... You need your rest too !

Im old, Im entitled to preach at you !

Humour me ok ?

She's right you know, you must rest up. THEN you must fill us in on everything that has been happening as we are all ears. Get well soon.

AlexLK

Mara: Thanks, mother.

No really, doing all I can to just keep calm at the moment, sleep is currently not on the radar. I was thinking I'd have to go to the doctors tomorrow if I still am like this, anyhow.

VJsmum

A lurker emerging to say that I admit I found my daughter incredibly difficult at first. No one tells you that motherhood can be very dull (was it kathy lette who said you watch your plants photosynthesise?) combine that with a traumatic birth and PND and I was crawling the walls. I jumped at the chance to go back to work two days a week when she was only 4 months old.

Fast forward, she is now 17 and we have a wonderful relationship. She was not at all harmed by the decision I made back then and in fact both my two (DS is 14) are socially capable, outgoing and polite children, (well mostly but he is14 ). I think they wouldn't be so if they hadn't had the childminder and nursery experience on a part time basis.

Good luck Alex, you are doing really well.

<<returns to lurking>>

AlexLK

VJsMum - I shall show Mrs. K. this tomorrow, thank you for sharing your story. Fortunately, she did not suffer form PND but mainly hated how people expected her to change. I suppose we both have our gripes with parenthood; amongst other things I often feel "pushed out", as everyone else automatically presumes that Mrs. K. knows everything about our son and I, nothing.

VJsmum

But your wife must get that at work? I am in the same industry as her and when we have builders round, builder, OH and I have a three way conversation - I ask question, builder tells hubby the answer, he looks at me and asks if that is ok

People do expect you to be different to who you are when you have a baby. That said baby will be fawned over and spoken of s if nothing else is Important and that you will no longer have an opinion on politics or life or TV or anything - just whether baby is on solids now or whatever. I hated the fact that before I had her people would ask after me but afterwards, when I was desperate, they'd only ask after her. She was fine and I was going mad .

I give thanks very day to a friend who had told me that the "falling in love with your baby the minute you set eyes on it" thing doesn't actually happen for everyone as otherwise I'd have thought myself a freak. I'd have killed to protect her but I can't say I got that rush people describe.

In the end, what got me through was the thought that you only have to be good enough. And that, despite the fact I know my parents made mistakes, I love them deeply and that will be the same for me and mine. Now they are older I believe that to be true even more.

Definitely back to lurking

FlubM

Hi Alex

also confessing that I didn't take naturally to motherhood. I went back to work full time and very happily when mine were four months and three months respectively: luckily the older one absolutely loved nursery (she wasn't, isn't and never will be a home bird). The younger one found it harder but was basically ok because he was with his sister (who, although only two years older, has been a far better mother to him than I ever have!).

Luckily, my husband is another Alex and filled the gaps and somehow we have two very happy, well adjusted children who do well at school, are popular with their peers, and enjoy a lot of extra curricular activities (I have at least done my fair share of chauffering!).

In my experience, it gets better: not everyone is good with babies and toddlers but the wonderful thing about children is that they get older:T. I have always found my younger one harder than the older one but, now that he is nearly ten, we have a much better relationship. He did say the other day that he thinks the two of us find it hard to get on together but I pointed out that we are getting better at it and that the important thing is that we love each other and know that we will always be there to support each other however many bumpy patches we have.

The upside of me burying myself in work in the early years is that we paid our mortgage off a year ago so that I can take a break and stay at home to recharge my batteries for a while following redundancy. It has been a huge shock for the entire family and I have had very funny looks at the the school gate from parents whose children have been at school with my son for five years but clearly don't have a clue who I am! I couldn't have done it when the children were younger but we are coping and I don't plan on it being for very long (university costs and house deposits to think about - well, that's my excuse;)).

As long as Mrs K keeps trying (which she clearly is) and keeps the relationship ticking over, I am sure there will come a point when it gets better. I vividly remember, while suffering from PND, telling my wonderful lady GP that I felt I would never develop a relationship with my one year old: she simply told me that I didn't need to worry as the child in question was a boy, that she had three boys now in their twenties and early thirties, not one of whom had managed to permanenetly leave home so I could bank on several decades to work on a relationship with my son! It certainly gave me hope and also made me smile at a time when I very raely felt like smiling!

LannieDuck

I'm inbetween the two extremes - due to total exhaustion (labour over three nights, then straight into breast-feeding around the clock), I didn't really feel much emotion until 5 weeks into LO's life. I think the idea that women are supposed to feel a sudden surge of love immediately after labour (it's called that for a reason :P) is incredibly damaging to new mothers' self-esteem if/when it doesn't happen. And I imagine it doesn't happen a whole lot more than people say.

I've been lucky that I had a couple of outspoken mother-friends who make a point of being honest about how long it took them to bond with their children, so I never felt like the odd one out.

The whole gender-bias in child-rearing is a perpetual bug-bear of mine. Why are women supposed to feel these things, but if men don't bond with the child straight-away it's 'ok, these things take time'?

One of my friends had a child in ITU for a while when it was born. The Dad got praise from the nurses for how often he went to visit (a couple of times a week), whilst the Mum got criticised if she wasn't there every day. You'd have thought we'd got beyond that in 2013.

AlexLK

Thank you all for your input, I will show Mrs. K. when she gets home.

In response:
VJ - Have builders round? What are they? Seriously, we've never had the money to have any major work done on our house. Mrs. K. and I are both competent DIY'ers. She wouldn't stand for any sort of "three way conversation" either. :rotfl:

However, she did experience the whole people talking to her about nothing other than our son, that never went well as wife is anything but accommodating.

Flub: In many ways we are looking forward to the school years and I very much enjoy teaching him things now. OK that may be because I greatly miss education myself ...

Can't say I particularly like being referred to as a "fill in the gaps" / second choice for my son though. However, I suppose that is what I am, both a failure in my career and a second rate parent / husband.

Lannie: Yes, you would have thought we'd got beyond such things in 2013. Fortunately, the only good thing to have come out of this for us was Mrs. K. starting to get along with my parents better; they were one of few who understood.

7roland8

AlexLK wrote: »

Can't say I particularly like being referred to as a "fill in the gaps" / second choice for my son though. However, I suppose that is what I am, both a failure in my career and a second rate parent / husband.

Don't think it was meant that way Alex.

Parents often complement each other - one is good at one thing - the other at something else.

So long as a child has a loving parent it does not matter if its male or female. The fact he feels loved is the main thing.

No one said you were a second rate parent - in fact you seem super - as well as interacting well with him it comes through in the way you talk on here.

maddiemay

I didn't read it that way either, parenting is a team effort, who does what should depend on strengths and weaknesses and available time etc, not gender. I think perhaps you feeling under the weather has made you feel a little sensitive here, I don't think either of you come over as bad parents or bad spouses. My SIL does all the cooking, he loves it and is very good, she does not enjoy it, that does not make his OH a bad wife.