This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

daisy_1571

that sounds great watty, glad he coped well with it    😀 

Daisy xxx

Watty1

He does indeed seem to be a VVNM.

He starts work at 5.30 so gets up at 4.30 and this morning he got up, made me a cup of tea and told me he would light the wood burner before he left as the house was cold.  I drank my tea and woke to a warm house.   He really is a VVNM.

I find myself wondering if he really is.  Or is this just a nice stage to reel me in.  My logical brain tells me that is a hangover from the ex and there is no reason to worry but still my emotional brain warns me off.    I don't share concerns with him because it is, I am sure, just a reflex from the ex. The VNM was single for years before meeting me, other than a few passing relationships.   And then he meets me with all my baggage and he seems to have adjusted and says he is happy with us and has been so supportive and genuinely nice.   I find myself wondering how I could have been so lucky.   Friends who have met him think he is great and genuine. 

LadyWithAPlan

How wonderful - a man to
light a fire when you are still in bed .. that’s wonderful consideration there - 

it’s normal to have moments of doubt after your last extreme experience but one just has to enjoy the ride - pointless to drain the joy out of a new relationship or indeed life itself by worrying re intangibles that may never happen
Yes one has to be open eyed and not make huge decisions but I think your 2023 is ending beautifully - give yourself grace and celebrate being in a new healing life energy - the battles with the ex are over, the war is finished now time to regroup and enjoy peace and happiness 

Now the battle with my clutter though is a different beast! Cos of doing the minimalism game for a few months I think now on and off I have achieved a lot of the easy wins eg paperwork etc. I was super tired last night after a fun eve out but I still ran around and found my full 28 things as I had only done 10 earlier 

i am looking at my over flowing wardrobes and 4 places where shoes live .. and I never like to get rid of clothes however some I really haven’t worn in years if ever so the ‘sell on Vinted’ vs get it out the flat is daily self conversation .. glad you found your balance  there 

the no more toiletries thread sounds great - I have loads inc 5 different shampoos on the go .. more eyeshadows of inappropriate colours and palettes where I only used one shade - and I had done a huge clear out in January of them into a nice gifted side cupboard .. plus I have 4 v expensive foundations gifted to me (YSL etc ) that are in the fridge for the last 3 years but really I like the one brand Mac as it sits lightly on my skin and does not accentuate any wrinkles - it feels bad to throw .. and they probably too old to sell - they may become my daily hand foundation to protect my hands ! 

daisy_1571

I think its entirely normal to feel like that watty.  I agree with ladyplan that you should enjoy the relationship and indeed all your relationships: friends,  relatives,  workmen, colleagues -  and agree that you will maybe be wary (inside) for the rest of your life.  If you didn't, then you wouldn't have learnt anything and we should all keep learning as we go through life.  

Some people are naturally very niaive, some naturally very suspicious.   You have been given an example of how duplicitous some people can be.  Most people aren't, so if you become too suspicious on the outside then thats not fair on yourself and you may be spoiling things for yourself.   Its a balancing act.  I definitely err on the suspicious side, Mr d errs on the trusting side so together we balance each other.

Just try not to go through your life too much always waiting on the catch, the other shoe to drop, the 'real' person to emerge etc etc.  Most people are what they appear to be.

(I always recommend The Other Mrs Jordan to folk wherever I go.  Should be compulsory reading for all 5th years in my opinion just in case girls esp but also boys meet some nutter before they get life experience.   I see its now a drama on ITVX but I haven't watched it yet.  The book went round my group of 40somethings and men and women alike, all reacted very strongly!   Maybe it was worse for us as it happened just down the road from where we all lived so the places mentioned are all very familiar to us.  Every one of us wished we had known about it at the time and could have popped round for a little 'chat'with the bloke.  Once you are feeling 'more like yourself' and much much stronger (seriously wait till you are stronger, I don't want you to be triggered as they say) I'd recommend you read it just to show yourself there are other people out there like your ex, they try to do lasting damage in nice people's lives but the nice people have the advantage of being nice and going on to live nice lives.  Its no reflection on a nice person to be fooled once.  You've learned, so you won't be fooled again.)

Slinky

It must be easier for narcisists to find new targets in an area they're not known.

Is the VNM a local? You sound as though you live in an area where lots of people all know each other

KajiKita

I have totally been where you are. When I met Mr KK I didn’t rust that he was as genuine as he appeared …..

21 years later we are still together. A lot of it is about trusting yourself as much as trusting the other person. You’ll get there 😊

KK

Watty1

Slinky said:

Is the VNM a local? You sound as though you live in an area where lots of people all know each other

I don't actually.   When I lived here with the ex I  hardly knew anyone. Whilst with the ex I joined a running club and met people then I just relaxed and started to say hi to people.  I remember in some very dark times with the ex thinking I could die and no one would come to my funeral.  The ex and I used to laugh about how odd the people were where we lived but here is the thing, they are really lovely and sometimes just saying hello to someone when I am on my own makes my world seem bigger and brighter.   It can be a neighbour that I don't know but i say hello cheerfully and brightly and comment on the weather and I no longer feel alone in the area.

The VNM is not that local.  We went to school together many many years ago and a friend request on Facebook came with a photo someone he knew had posted that he wondered if I would like (it was from my infant school class) and we just chatted briefly and that led to a coffee and here we are.

Very sage advice from you all.     It fits with how I am trying to live until the end of the year.  Nothing new. No projects just relax and enjoy the remaining days of 2023.

Watty1

Lovely evening last night.  Went to the library to collect book club books then popped into one of the village pubs and met up with 2 girlfriends for a glass of fizz then home by 7 pm for jacket potato I had left in the oven and hm turkey soup.  I'm not sure this bulk cooking saves much when I leave the oven on with my baked potato (I hate them microwaved!) but I'm eating better food rather than ready meals.    The soup was lovely and it felt a treat to come home to dinner, to say good night to my horses and dog and go to bed. I usually watch a bit of TV and fall asleep.

As I pulled up in front of the cottage I thought "this house is all mine" and it was a lovely feeling.   I own it completely.  No mortgage. I have a wonderful trio of horses, a mad WattyDog and a delightful cat. I am blessed.  Very humbling a university friend and an ex boyfriend from my 20s (after graduation) has died.  His niece set up a fund raiser for his funeral as there was no provision and no estate.  It made the target in 2 days, half donating anonymously (as i did) and half being from named old university pals.  It was humbling and I thought how blessed I am to have the life I have and the people I have in it.

This gentle pause to the end of the year is giving me time to reflect and I am genuinely grateful for so much (and that includes the sage advice so many have given on here).

daisy_1571

Another lovely peaceful post, its a time of reflection the end of the year.  By peaceful I mean it just shines out in these posts how great your inner world is, no angst, no crisis, no nonsense going on.  Love that your world includes these things less and less.  We can all do without external angst crisis and nonsense and you've definitely had your fair share for the rest of your natural !!!

Daisy xxx

Watty1

1st of the month. My advent calendar arrived, I bought the tea one for me half price. I wasn't going to bother but then it popped up at half price and I thought it would be a great way to try some new flavours and make the effort to sit with my journal and reflect once a day.

Wattydog and Feral cat each got an advent calendar for free with her (very expensive) cat food which has yet to arrive as I bought it on the Black Friday 30% off deal. It is the only cat food that does not seem to upset her tummy so I stock up when it has offers on which come around regularly enough and in addition to the 30% off a free advent calendar was offered so I cheekily put in the code for a dog one and a cat one so neither is left out.

The physio has been but she had hurt her back so she came to assess and make an action plan only (no charge).  i really liked her, she found a lot of points the Charming Cob was sore and she was obviously correct as he reacted with a firm "dont" in certain spots and she made sure I understood her findings .  I've been left with a few stretches and a clear understanding of what she thinks is going on.

Very positive visit.  Now I must return to work.  I took yesterday off for a Rights of Way Meeting that was super positive but time consuming (I volunteer with the British Horse Society on Rights of Way) so now I am very behind.  Have planned dinner of jacket potato and stew from the freezer and my goodness it is cold here, its been snowing so everything frozen including my feet.  I will light the wood burner even though I am planning on working this evening to catch up.