This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

daisy_1571

Very glad physio appointment went well, she sounds great 

Dzisy x

Slinky

Oh the irony of a physio with a bad back........

LadyWithAPlan

Watty1 said:

1st of the month. My advent calendar arrived, I bought the tea one for me half price. I wasn't going to bother but then it popped up at half price and I thought it would be a great way to try some new flavours and make the effort to sit with my journal and reflect once a day.

Wattydog and Feral cat each got an advent calendar for free with her (very expensive) cat food which has yet to arrive as I bought it on the Black Friday 30% off deal.

Wow what a fabulous treat in Watty world and to do with your journal as well ! I always eye up the beauty calendars  ... but I would rather win one but a tea one sounds great!

Watty1 said:

.....
As I pulled up in front of the cottage I thought "this house is all mine" and it was a lovely feeling.   I own it completely.  No mortgage. I have a wonderful trio of horses, a mad WattyDog and a delightful cat. I am blessed.  Very humbling a university friend and an ex boyfriend from my 20s (after graduation) has died.  His niece set up a fund raiser for his funeral as there was no provision and no estate.  It made the target in 2 days, half donating anonymously (as i did) and half being from named old university pals.  It was humbling and I thought how blessed I am to have the life I have and the people I have in it.

This gentle pause to the end of the year is giving me time to reflect and I am genuinely grateful for so much (and that includes the sage advice so many have given on here).

How wonderful to have a great eve with friends and then have such peace /gratitude in your heart. After the years of Ex being difficult I am so glad you are happy.

Sorry about your friend.. for the shortness of his life (hope he enjoyed his life) and maybe he spent magnificently which is maybe not a bad thing. I would hate one of my nephews/niece having to ask for help for my funeral .. I am planning/hoping  to leave them  money for a giant bash (with a new orleans band ) and  a paid for London flat in many decades to come - as long as its not sold for care costs!!
I was reading about these living funerals where people have a big party at the end of life(eg when they have a terminal illness)  and that sounds way more fun and allows people to say goodbye 


I am very grateful to find the mfw forum with the sage wisdom, frugal knowledge, support and space to journal and investigate ones own financial issues and learn. 
 Many of you know my savings rates better than all my friends and family put together  

Watty1

Friend didn't spend magnificently, he just never made a lot of money but he was a joy to be around, loved writing theatre and his cats.   He lived in a tiny apartment and died alone with his cats but he was very much loved by friends and family. It is perhaps a testament to his character that I still loved him despite us splitting up many years ago.  He was just one of those people that bought joy to everyone.

Lovely email from his niece that went to everyone who had donated saying the first lot of cash would go to pay the crematorium.  Just made me think how very lucky each and every one of us here are.

@LadyWithAPlan love the New Orleans band idea. My mum always said she wanted a jazz band at her funeral so I found one. Someone from the band said that if I had them to play as people were leaving the crematorium then they would play for very little time and it would be better they played at the wake. So they did.  The hotel were surprised, they started playing slow jazz but by the end it was joyous jazz and lots of people were up dancing and so many people said how much mum would have loved it.      I overheard a few non funeral goers -  just people in the hotel - comment with surprise it was a funeral because of the noise, the fun, the dancing but  I absolutely knew my mum would have loved it and it was the right "send off" and way to remember her.  I was grieving and distraught but it was the right way to remember her.

Watty1

Slinky said:

Oh the irony of a physio with a bad back........

Not lost on me either but lovely lady and I liked her.  Hopefully she will recover to come back but in the meantime we will do the exercises she has left me with.

Watty1

My update: it has snowed again here.  Cold, frozen and  will need to go out again in an hour or so to give the horses more hay and break the water in the trough again.  

For the last couple of days I have an impending sense of doom and my anxiety has skyrocketed.  I have no basis for this, I wonder if it just the quiet and the ending of what has been a very difficult year. I might have come out of it OK and I have learned a lot but the end of the year feels very strange to me and I think the dread is a worry that "something will happen" to take away my peace and joy.

LadyWithAPlan

Do you meditate or pray? I chant (& often recommend Tina Turners book - ‘happiness becomes you ‘

At such moments it’s good to lean on helpful practices that work for you - I think most of us have wobbles at times it’s human 

maybe try the CBT method 
- write down a list of all your thoughts no matter how weird awful angry  they are 
- go back and look at each question individually and ask yourself is this true? Is this thought factually correct ? What is the actual truth here - and wrote down that
- after looking at all your sad anxious panic thoughts go back and reframe each thought into more truthful fact based reality - its stops you catastrophizing 

example 
step one - thought 

I am scared I can’t afford this house - I am on my own 
step 2 is this true ? 

I currently can afford bills of x so as long as my income is this Ahd I don’t overspend I can afford it 
Step 3 rewrite 
my house is lovely and I am able to pay all my bills  I have not been behind on any bills . Maybe I need a bigger ef in case of sudden house issues to feel better but I am fine now 

re your friend - he sounds fabulous and a life of theatre and cats sounds quite wonderful -
 such passions are v fulfilling 
Glad you all able to help with the costs 

your mum’s funeral with the band sounds like a beautiful way to celebrate 
luckily both my parents are still here and fine but they both used to love  dancing - v strictly- so I can see how that was perfect and makes you smile admist the grieving 
 

KajiKita

Watty1 said:

For the last couple of days I have an impending sense of doom and my anxiety has skyrocketed.  I have no basis for this, I wonder if it just the quiet and the ending of what has been a very difficult year. I might have come out of it OK and I have learned a lot but the end of the year feels very strange to me and I think the dread is a worry that "something will happen" to take away my peace and joy.

Hugs. 

And yes, 100% agree with what you are thinking. I am going to try to reframe this for you and say this is another piece of housekeeping, clearing and removing of unhelpful energy that your body, soul and psyche are doing to heal you after what you went through. Some people bottle it up and it comes out years later after causing all kinds of issues - you seem to be clearing yours all on your own. It’s not a pleasant process, but once it is done, you will be free of it.

I see LadyWithAPlan’s comments as really useful. It will banish the extraneous ‘blown out of proportion’ worries and you may be left with nothing to worry about (or at least no more than the rest of us) or you may be able to zero in on one of two things that are a genuine concern - once you know what those are (if they exist) you can set a plan. Having  a sense of control of your destiny and how to meet your challenges helps massively. 

Hope you feel brighter soon. 

KK x

ajmoney

Watty1 said:

My update: it has snowed again here.  Cold, frozen and  will need to go out again in an hour or so to give the horses more hay and break the water in the trough again.  

For the last couple of days I have an impending sense of doom and my anxiety has skyrocketed.  I have no basis for this, I wonder if it just the quiet and the ending of what has been a very difficult year. I might have come out of it OK and I have learned a lot but the end of the year feels very strange to me and I think the dread is a worry that "something will happen" to take away my peace and joy.

Hey Watty. All the adverts tell us that Christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year" but for many it isn't. It may be due to the festive season, the year you have had, another first on the horizon. Do what you need to do for the rest of the year and don't feel under any pressure to be any way at all.  You make your own peace and joy now, however you do that is right and no one can tell you otherwise!

We are all with you, holding you high. Sending you love x

Watty1

I admit I will be glad when this period is over.  Feeling low, had a takeaway and some wine on Saturday night which probably didn't help. 
Sunday seemed lost in a haze of riding, walking WattyDog 3 times and watching The Holiday for the umpteenth time.  I did get all my Christmas stuff down from the loft.  Much of it pre-dates the ex and he was always dismissive of my "christmas toys"   They are now on the floor of the spare room.  

I was going to organise a wreath making party again this year as last year's was fab but I sort of ran out of time and energy and so I have saved by not making soup for all my pals and by not engaging a florist.  I did however on one of WattyDog's walks collect some holly and tree ivy then I covered last years wreath bones with that.  It actually looks really nice hanging up and was free so that was a good point.

Trying hard to see the good in each day.