Is it me?

izools

So I've just come out of a very damaging long term relationship -

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4740568&highlight=crossroads

And am staying with Mother for a couple of weeks until I get the keys to a flat.

Now I'm starting to wonder whether I'm the nutter in all of this.

Mother and I have never got on really. We're very different people.

She divorced my father in 1992 and suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder during the divorce. Since then she has been what I percieve to be very denigrating, manic, and anti social.

She always hated our neighbours and neighbourhood. She didn't let me hang out with the people I went to school with referring to them as "Thickies". She always told me my father is a nutter, and she never got on with the locals or even her own sister.

I don't think she ever emparted any family values on to me at all instead just trying to convince me my father is evil and I must be too as I behave like him sometimes. Never showed me that respecting one's parents is appropriate at all.

I was a bit of a rogue in school, too, which we later found out was at least partly attributable to me being on the autistic spectrum, but quite low down. She always blamed the schools for my behaviour and never suggested to me "Well to be honest son, they're right, so let's try behaving like this and doing x in such a situation in future instead".

Anyway I ramble... Fast forward to today...

It's hard to describe her behaviour. It feels to me almost tantamount to the way someone who's kidnapped someone behaves - they know their prey doesn't have anywhere to go / can't escape so treat them like... well, prey.

There's one bathroom in her little house so every time I get up I ask her consent to use the loo / shower before doing so each morning. Today she started running a bath. I asked her if I could use the loo. She started shouting at me about making her late and I should have asked before blah blah blah. Just trying to calmly point out to her all I need to do is pee before she jumps in the bath so she goes into the bathroom herself and leaves the door open whilst taking her clothes off.

She does this when she doesn't want to speak to me. She'll go to the bathroom or her bedroom with the door open but start to undress. She's done it since I was little.

I point out to her this isn't a normal way to behave so she locks the bathroom door. Fine, preferable to your 63 YO mother stripping off in front of you... I ask her where I should pee. She said it isn't her problem. She starts screaming and shouting "I'm going to call the police and have you kicked out by the scruff of your neck" "I'm going to do you for fraud" "You're just like your Father" "You aren't a Smith, your a Jones" (Where Smith is her surname and Jones is my father's surname).

Now I can say with 100% honesty throughout this I didn't shout, didn't swear, and didn't insult her once. I merely said three things:

"Where should I pee then?"
"I thought you'd ask if I needed to use the toilet before using the bathroom?"
"I do ask you this every morning, as such common courtesys are important in a small house don't you think?"

Granted the last question was a bit provocative but hardly justifies the way she flew off the handle don't you think?

She's behaved like this ever since the divorce. Trapping me (knowing I have nowhere else to go) and thinks that my being in her house gives her the right to set up these traps where she knows I'm unable to do something important to me due to her actions but will fly off the handle (and even start foaming at the mouth sometimes) if I point this out to her expecting a sensible, mutual resolution.

She even spat in my face on one occasion after she'd been screaming for so long the foam turned into drool - albeit 20 years ago - but I still remember. I think I had cut the plug off the hairdryer. I had been reading an Usborne book on Electronics and wanted to try my hand at re-wiring a plug.

I don't get it.

Am I just the sort of person that drives people mental? Should I be here?

skylight

Your Mums behaviour probably explains why you are susceptible to crap relationships.

Move out - anywhere. Rent a room in a house be a lodger elsewhere etc. You do not need this crap any more than you needed the last lot.

izools

Well I should get the keys to my flat on the 3rd / 4th

skylight

Excellent! Until then you'll have to suck it up. Just count down the days.

And any chance of setting your alarm earlier than hers for the time being so you can get into the bathroom before she is up?

Gigglepig

OP it sounds like you would be better off moving out and dealing with your own issues.

It sounds like your mother has her own issues too but you are her daughter not her parent. it sounds like you have plenty on your own plate.

Treevo

You said that you have £6000 in a bank account and you're eligible to claim benefits until you get a job. So you can move out and you're not trapped by any stretch of the imagination.

Move out.

Errata

I'm sorry to state the obvious, but you knew exactly what she was like before you asked her if she would put you up for a couple of weeks.
Stick it out or move into a Travelodge.

Dunroamin

It sounds as if you're gettin on her nerves as much as she's getting on yours.

(Was there a reason you couldn't just go and pee in the garden?)

bargainbetty

Do you have a friend you could stay with for a few days, or could you find a cheap B&B?

Just because a person is a blood relative doesn't mean you should have to deal with what appears to be a strained relationship in those circumstances. If you've got the money, see if you can find anywhere else to be.

tea_lover

Why are you trapped? Just stay somewhere else for a week until your flat's ready.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nope. You haven't done this.


I think I'd rather couch surf than put up with that amount of crap.