Husband sole trader going down with dementia

worried48

Forgive me for being vague about what we sell but if I am at all specific we will be very easily and quickly identified by anyone who knows us at all.

My husband is a sole trader - online sales of an item which is heavily dependent on my specialist knowledge. I can run the business without him. He turns 65 in a couple of weeks. I am a lot younger.

Over the past four weeks he has suddenly gone down with dementia. We are waiting for tests and results and so on. He has good days and bad days but the bottom line is that most days he is completely unable to answer the phone (he literally can't work out how to answer it before it goes to the answerphone) and he is unable to do anything with the computer at all. Having virtually lived on the internet for over 12 years, he cannot now type in https://www.bbc.co.uk

Until now he has been doing all the clerical work and accounts. Obviously that has now changed.

Just to add to the difficulties, he is in denial about his situation, liable to lose his temper if I explain it to anyone over the phone and he hears, and he has a Barclaycard debt that he will not tell me about and is now physically unable to pay. He refuses to pay it online - always has done, he is convinced that if he does it that way Lloyds, where he banks, will find out about it. It doesn't show up on Noddle at all - his other debts are there but that one just isn't. It may show up on experian / equifax, I don't know, I haven't looked. I don't know how much he owes and he won't tell me. I do know that he has been paying about £220 a month for years. He does this by taking the cash and going into a branch of Barclays - only last time he tried that, he came home with the cash. He doesn't get paper statements. So, before long he is going to be in trouble with Barclaycard and there's nothing I can do about it. His other debts, I know about and can pay.

Now, really, I'd like to get the business officially transferred to me so that I can make a clean start with it and make some decisions. The bank the business account is with will speak to me but only if husband first authorises it, of course. I am a signatory on the account but that's all - officially I am not supposed to log into his account at all but in practice I've dealt with it for months.

If I could persuade him to hand the business over to me, there is a complication and that is that my credit rating is going to be pretty bad at the moment. On Noddle it was 1 for months, then suddenly went up to 3 as I was able to pay some of my cards off in full every month for some months, but following the seasonal dip that always happens in the summer, my cards are all maxed out again and there are two Wonga loans on my file. We have no business overdraft but we do have a business credit card and I don't think the bank would be very keen on letting me have that facility. However, the best selling time of the year is fast approaching and I could have that card cleared quite quickly. If I did, I wonder what the bank's attitude would be to me taking over the business - if my husband agreed, of course, and that is the bigger issue.

Our website is in desperate need of updating and it was my husband who did all that. I don't even know the passwords to get into the FTP programme and now I suspect he doesn't either. Might be able to work it out knowing the sort of words he usually uses. Or I might not. I'm not really competent to do it anyway but there are ways round that (paying someone). More expense, but it wouldn't need a huge increase in sales to pay for it.

Husband gets his pension very soon (I applied for it online for him) - that's the basic state pension, there is a pension from his former employer to come as well, he tells me he has applied for that, I have no way to know for sure whether he has or not, until it either arrives or doesn't arrive.

I am feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. Husband is feeling useless, though I have told him that he is about to be bringing in a pension which will help us a lot. Retiring from the business when you turn 65 seems quite reasonable to me and I don't see that the bank or the taxman or anyone else ought to have any problem with that, if I could just persuade my husband to do it.

We have huge debts and were beginning to get them paid down but now they are all back up where they were. Need to clear stuff on ebay - that's been promised for years but husband has never done it. This year it's going to be done without him.

Wywth

worried48 wrote: »

Forgive me for being vague about what we sell but if I am at all specific we will be very easily and quickly identified by anyone who knows us at all.

My husband is a sole trader - online sales of an item which is heavily dependent on my specialist knowledge. I can run the business without him. He turns 65 in a couple of weeks. I am a lot younger.

Over the past four weeks he has suddenly gone down with dementia. We are waiting for tests and results and so on. He has good days and bad days but the bottom line is that most days he is completely unable to answer the phone (he literally can't work out how to answer it before it goes to the answerphone) and he is unable to do anything with the computer at all. Having virtually lived on the internet for over 12 years, he cannot now type in www.bbc.co.uk

Until now he has been doing all the clerical work and accounts. Obviously that has now changed.

Just to add to the difficulties, he is in denial about his situation, liable to lose his temper if I explain it to anyone over the phone and he hears, and he has a Barclaycard debt that he will not tell me about and is now physically unable to pay. He refuses to pay it online - always has done, he is convinced that if he does it that way Lloyds, where he banks, will find out about it. It doesn't show up on Noddle at all - his other debts are there but that one just isn't. It may show up on experian / equifax, I don't know, I haven't looked. I don't know how much he owes and he won't tell me. I do know that he has been paying about £220 a month for years. He does this by taking the cash and going into a branch of Barclays - only last time he tried that, he came home with the cash. He doesn't get paper statements. So, before long he is going to be in trouble with Barclaycard and there's nothing I can do about it. His other debts, I know about and can pay.

Now, really, I'd like to get the business officially transferred to me so that I can make a clean start with it and make some decisions. The bank the business account is with will speak to me but only if husband first authorises it, of course. I am a signatory on the account but that's all - officially I am not supposed to log into his account at all but in practice I've dealt with it for months.

If I could persuade him to hand the business over to me, there is a complication and that is that my credit rating is going to be pretty bad at the moment. On Noddle it was 1 for months, then suddenly went up to 3 as I was able to pay some of my cards off in full every month for some months, but following the seasonal dip that always happens in the summer, my cards are all maxed out again and there are two Wonga loans on my file. We have no business overdraft but we do have a business credit card and I don't think the bank would be very keen on letting me have that facility. However, the best selling time of the year is fast approaching and I could have that card cleared quite quickly. If I did, I wonder what the bank's attitude would be to me taking over the business - if my husband agreed, of course, and that is the bigger issue.

Our website is in desperate need of updating and it was my husband who did all that. I don't even know the passwords to get into the FTP programme and now I suspect he doesn't either. Might be able to work it out knowing the sort of words he usually uses. Or I might not. I'm not really competent to do it anyway but there are ways round that (paying someone). More expense, but it wouldn't need a huge increase in sales to pay for it.

Husband gets his pension very soon (I applied for it online for him) - that's the basic state pension, there is a pension from his former employer to come as well, he tells me he has applied for that, I have no way to know for sure whether he has or not, until it either arrives or doesn't arrive.

I am feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. Husband is feeling useless, though I have told him that he is about to be bringing in a pension which will help us a lot. Retiring from the business when you turn 65 seems quite reasonable to me and I don't see that the bank or the taxman or anyone else ought to have any problem with that, if I could just persuade my husband to do it.

We have huge debts and were beginning to get them paid down but now they are all back up where they were. Need to clear stuff on ebay - that's been promised for years but husband has never done it. This year it's going to be done without him.

If he's got dementia, then the bank may no longer accept his word to allow them to speak to you.

Google 'power of attorney' - it will explain how you can get take control over someone's financial affairs, even if they are suffering from mental illness (I think it's more difficult if they are already suffering, but it's still doable)

martindow

I am sorry to hear of your situation. You need to get support. I had to deal with my father being affected like this (but without the complication of a business) and wish that I had sought help earlier than I did.

Have you spoken to your GP? The Alzheimer's Society are also very helpful

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

It is a difficult situation and can feel impossible without help. With other people and agencies involved it is much more manageable.

worried48

O we're still waiting for a diagnosis - and a CT scan. It is just possible that this may be temporary, though to be perfectly frank, in some respects it would be easier if it were permanent and I could just start things up on my own.

Experian_company_representative

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. If you do obtain a lasting power of attorney for your husband's financial affairs you can actually apply for a copy of his credit report to help you straighten everything out.

James

robatwork

Terrible situation and I feel most sorry for you.

Can you get your hb to a solicitor to get a Power of Attorney sorted out. You don't necessarily need it to be active, but setup so that if and when he gets a diagnosis, it can be activated.

I suggest you attend any docs appointments with him as he won't be able to explain what happened, and some docs are notoriously bad at diagnosing dementia. It's a horrible condition for your hb and also for the people around him. There are some great suggestions above too

worried48

I have been to the doc with him - it was in any case obvious that he had a problem, he told the doc it was 2008. This all came to light after he fell out of bed four weeks ago, he couldn't get up so I called an ambulance. He didn't hit his head or anything, he had been a little stranger than usual for a couple of days but I only called the ambulance because he couldn't get up. They decided he was confused and took him to hospital and then a doctor called from there to ask me how long he had been this confused. Until then I had not realised anything was wrong.

Unfortunately at the moment he will nto even consider the idea of power of attorney, he thinks I want to get that because I want to steal his money.

robatwork

This must be very upsetting, I went through a similar situation with my father recently.

Please get the doctors to check if he had a mini stroke when this suddenly got worse ie. when he fell out of bed - it's possible that would have exacerbated any onset of vascular dementia.

You're his wife - why doesn't he trust you? Has he always been like that or is this a very recent thing too?

In a situation like this when someone close to you won't believe you, one way around it is for a third party he will inherently trust eg. your solicitor or doctor or close friend to tell him he needs to setup a PoA. Can you arrange a meeting with your sols?

Good luck

worried48

O he's never been willing to tell me how much he owes on Barclaycard, for example, and he is very much an untrusting so and so. He has no friends either.

tanith

It certainly sounds like something other than Dementia is going on you really need to speak to his GP again, Dementia is usually slow to develop and certainly not in a couple of weeks as your OP suggests. Have you explained all this to the GP?

worried48

O yes, we are waiting on an "urgent" CT scan - requested by the GP nine days ago ....