Upset but know i have no right to be.

LostandAfraid

Not really sure why I am posting,maybe just a little vent or offload really.

My daughter worked her socks off to get into grammar school,she had her heart set on it and she got what she wanted,that was 5 years ago.

Now those 5 years were not easy,at times she felt very pressured by the whole environment,she is intelligent but not top of the class,we even offered to move her but she pleaded to stay there.

She took a dent in her confidence and believed that her G.C.S.E results would be poor and not enough to get her into 6th form so she applied for college.

She got the results yesterday and they were not poor,they were actually very good and enough to get her into the 6th form,this 6th form is fantastic too,external applications are sky high for this place and it is a great opportunity.

So why am I upset? Well she has chosen to refuse the place offered to her and go to college instead,nothing wrong with college but it narrows her to one subject,in 6th form she was going to do 3.

The way I see it if you have more than one subject your options are more open.

I am also convinced that her decision has been influenced by the fact that her boyfriend has quit his course at a different college and signed up to the same one at hers,they are joined at the hip and she would never back out of college now he has signed up there.

Now I know deep down I have no right to be upset,she is 16 and must choose her own path in life,she put the work in to get the grades and it is her right to decide where to go with them but I feel like she is throwing away a good opportunity.

Honestly I don't know what I expect anyone to say,my husband gets offended if I mention it because he went to college and did well,i know thousands of people do but I can't shake the disappointment that she could have gone to this great 6th form but refused to,just wanted to offload rather than project my negative feelings onto her.

paulineb_2

I dont know what to say really, its a different system up here in Scotland, when I was at school we could stay on for a sixth year no matter how badly we did at Higher level as some people used that time to repeat exams so it was just a matter of staying on where you were for most people.

Some people did leave at 16 and go to college but most people who were doing exams stayed at the same school.

I do agree with you that having more subjects widens your options, why can she only do one subject at college? Is there no way she can make up her timetable by studying for other subjects?

Also, maybe you need to have a subtle conversation with her just to say if she goes to this college and things dont work out with the bf, it might be tough for her.

When I left school I went to college and my then bf was at the same one, that wasnt intentional, he applied before I met him, he was at a different school and it was just coincidence we ended up at the same college, we were both living away from home.

And in times when things werent going so well in the relationship, it was tough going.

Bottom line is, shes made her choice, all you can do is hope it works out for her and advise her to make the most of her time at college.

And be there for her if things dont go so well.

peachyprice

I don't understand why she is only doing one subject, is she not doing A levels at college? If she is, colleges do 3 just the same as 6th form, or has she chosen a BTec?

Tiddlywinks

Could you take her out for a coffee and a cake and have a laid back chat about it?

Could you suggest she sits down and looks at her decision with a SWOT analysis? I did this with a family member and it took the heat out of the discussion as it treats the decision almost in a business like way.

http://www.goal-setting-for-success.com/personal-swot-analysis.html

Get her to do a SWOT analysis for each option and see which looks the best - at the very least, it will concentrate her mind on the choices available.

kerri_dfw

What line of work does she foresee herself doing? Sometimes college is the best place for different lines of work that aren't necessarily academic based. If she wants to go to university then A-levels are the way forward and she'd need to do 4 AS's developing to 3 A-levels to get into a decent university. If her line of work is more vocational based, then BTeC and more hands on courses are probably better for her.

FBaby

I would be upset too if I believed that my DD could do very well for herself, but didn't give her all the chances available to her because mainly of a boyfriend who she probably will never see again in some months/years.

However, as you say, it is her decision and you need to focus on the positive. She has managed to do very well despite expectations and that probably will be a big boost for her. It might very well be that she will feel more at east at college and therefore work even harder. her career chances have not been ruined and the whole world is still opened to her to succeed.

Dunroamin

Point out to her that when (you might want to say "if") they split up it will be very upsetting and embarrassing to have to keep bumping into him all the time.

I think it's a shame that your husband isn't supporting you in this - perhaps he doesn't think education is important for girls?

LostandAfraid

Thankyou everyone,she has chosen a level 3 BTEC diploma and says she wants to go to university after doing that.

My husband does understand how important education is for girls but because he went to college and did well he thinks this is good enough and he never really liked the grammar school because he blamed it for her loss of confidence.

I did say to her that if this relationship ends it is going to be extremely awkward and difficult and she says they have spoken about it but I don't think she understands quite how this could impact her education,right now she thinks they will never go wrong but back in the real world we all know how easily it could end.

She wants to be a graphic designer,she needs university to realistically do that as far as I know,my husband did that before becoming my full time carer and managed it without a degree but things were different back then,i had a look at various job sites to see what they want from a junior or even an intern and they all want a degree.

It's hard,i don't want to push her away and I don't want to take her life over for her,i want to support her and I want her to feel happy with what she does in life but I am sad that she has thrown the chance away.

I will get her to have a look at the SWOT analysis to make sure she is truly happy with the path she is on and after that if she still decides on college all I can do is encourage her to work hard there and make the best of what it has to offer.

angelil

Learning is a lifelong thing - it doesn't necessarily have to take place in a formal setting. If she is as bright as you say then she will be keen to learn new things throughout her life, regardless of whether she attends sixth form or college, or takes 1 or 3 courses.

Does her chosen college course lead to a specific career path? If so, is it a career she's wanted to do for some time? If yes, then I think that in the light of spiralling university costs (who wants to start adult life at 21 with a debt of £30k+ hanging around their neck?) it can be wiser to go straight for a career.

I think it's erroneous of posters on this thread to discourage college just because your daughter 'might' split up with her boyfriend. My parents met at 15 and 16, married at 19 and 20, and have just celebrated 34 years of marriage. I know times were a little bit different then, but what's to say that people can't stay together a long time just because they met young? I'm just not sure that it does well to make choices based on what may or may not come of a relationship, or on the basis of a pessimistic outlook.

Finally, remember that even if she decides later that the college course was a mistake, she can always go back to studying later for A Levels (e.g. through an Access course) if she wants to. This would still allow her to go to university later if she wishes. ETA: FWIW, I have friends who are the same age as me (mid/late twenties) who are graphic designers who did not go to university in order to become this (and no, their parents don't work in the same field).

Wishing you both all the best

lika_86

Results were only yesterday, if she's had in mind she might do badly for a while then college may still feel like the only option. Alternatively, she may genuinely not feel like she can cope with another two difficult years at school as the work level steps up.

Try discussing it with her without getting upset.

Do the school offer open days for potential sixth formers to discuss their options? Alternatively, could you arrange a session with the Head of Sixth Form to discuss her options with her?

What course is she particularly interested in at college? I assume you're referring to going to college to do HND/BTEC type courses rather than going to college to do A levels. Is it something relevant to what she wants to do as a career? If so, I'd be tempted to let her go or alternatively offer similar things part-time (say for example it's photography she wants to do, it might be worth pointing out how difficult it is to make a living but offer to pay for part-time courses etc for her if she goes to school to do A levels as a backup).

lika_86

http://www.designcouncil.org.uk/about-design/types-of-design/graphic-design/a-career-in-graphic-design/

The only other thing I'd add is that she's a lot more likely to do well in something she enjoys rather than something she hates.

If she does go to school and comes out with poor A level results - would you still feel it's the better option?