a classic one in some sense

litheplay

I'm thinking about writing an email to my friend first and sort of trying to persuade him to tell her, if he's planning to continue with this. I do feel awkward to be in this position and I know that he hasn't told anyone else except me.

Prothet_of_Doom

Hum.....He told you in confidence?........Trusts you to keep that confidence?.........

I'd be making it plain to him that you wished he hadn't told you, and that now he has, you expect him to either finish it, or for him to tell his wife.

I wouldn't get into what you'll do if he refuses, and just leave it as "A Real friend wouldn't ask me to lie, and I really haven't given it any thought, as I wasn't expecting you to refuse"

Oh wait. It's 2013. Post an update on facebook.

litheplay

ps. The other issue is that - if I eventually decide to tell her - I can't do it in an email or by phone, and we only see each other once or twice a year...

Pechow

Since it doesn't sound like you want to tell her outright, you can always tell him you aren't comfortable with being put in this position, that you won't cover up anything for him/help him deceive her (like lie about where she is), and that if she asks you if something is going on you aren't going to lie for him. You could also mention after saying that, that she has already asked if anything is going on, so she's at least suspicious and may well ask again.

Though I'd still say to tell her, at the very least because like Person_one mentioned he is putting her health at risk without her knowing it. Remember there are STIs that may not have any symptoms, yet can lead even to infertility.

j.e.j.

The only trouble is, if OP tells the wife, he could then deny it. Where would that leave OP? Accused by the wife of being a liar.

Not good.

The wife has a right to know, but it doesn't sound like the OP and her are particularly close friends?

I second the idea to drop him as a best friend sharpish. (I don't think I'd want someone like that as a friend anyway!)

Pechow

If they have email correspondence there will be evidence, if there's not already emails/texts.

marisco_2

litheplay wrote: »

The other thing that also puzzles me is that he's not ashamed/feels any guilt about it, and he's very sure his wife wouldn't leave even if she found out. She's a lovely woman

Would you do anything if you were me?

If I were you I would tell this friends wife. I would want to know if a partner were treating me so badly and with such contempt. She will then have the truth of the relationship she is in, and can make an informed decision for herself whether she wishes to continue being in it. To stay quiet is to let a man who is not ashamed and feels no guilt about betraying his wife, to continue to abuse her trust. I think it is naive to believe this hasn't happened before and that it wont happen again.

dandelionclock30

If you tell the wife, he will say that you are a liar and a nutter etc and that you are just trying to split them up because you are jealous etc and have no life of your own. They will stay together and dump you.
He lives in another country, I'd just leave them to it and spend time developing friendships here and let them get on with it. You dont owe them anything and at the end of the day a lot of people do this.

gwynlas

He bragged about this to you in order to show he can still pull younger females. Hopefully the girl friend will wise up and find herself a more suitable man. I don't doubt that he loves his wife, this is just sex. Lease said soonest mended. Who knows his wife might think she wants to know but think what harm could it do to their long relationship.

neverdespairgirl

gwynlas wrote: »

He bragged about this to you in order to show he can still pull younger females. Hopefully the girl friend will wise up and find herself a more suitable man. I don't doubt that he loves his wife, this is just sex. Lease said soonest mended. Who knows his wife might think she wants to know but think what harm could it do to their long relationship.

the harm is done by what he's doing, not by her finding out about it!

His wife isn't being given the choice, the husband's making it for her. And she's already upset and worried, as she thinks her husband is thinking of straying.