a classic one in some sense

litheplay

One of my best friends who lives overseas, early 40s, has just told me - in person, I went on a short vacation back to my hometown - that he started shagging a (younger and good looking) work colleague. He says he's not in love and no plans to leave his wife. He says he loves his wife. Now, my first reaction was to tell him he was an !!!!!! and 'if you don't tell her I will tell her' but then when I thought about it more, I decided not to tell her anything. I get along very well with her but we're only friends because she's his wife. I don't actually know her that well. She's very fond of me as I'm his best friend.

She knows something's wrong, she's actually mentioned it to me, but she suspects he's only tempted to go astray. This is the first time he's cheating on her, after a 15-year relationship. He was tempted before, he told me. The other thing that also puzzles me is that he's not ashamed/feels any guilt about it, and he's very sure his wife wouldn't leave even if she found out. She's a lovely woman

Would you do anything if you were me?

HeadAboveWater

I'd tell her. I know you say you're only friends because she's his wife, but she's already confided in you...

She knows something's wrong, she's actually mentioned it to me, but she suspects he's only tempted to go astray

neverdespairgirl

Did he tell you why he was doing it? If he loves his wife, doesn't want to leave her, not in love with the other woman? Does he just fancy a bit of strange?

I'd say he should be an ex-best-friend sharpish. Even if you knew him first, by telling you, he's put you in a really nasty position.

You either tell the wife (who is already bothered, by the sound of it, she knows something's up, even if not exactly what) or don't tell her, and become part of a conspiracy behind her back. it would be very uncomfortable for you to see the wife again either way. Staying at their house, eating their meals, and knowing he's cheating on her and she doesn't know? Yuck.

litheplay

He says he's not in love, just tempted sexually. And also says that the woman he's cheating with is not in love either.

ps. I'm never staying at their house, but that's not important....

CH27

He's put you in an awful position.
I would be telling that he disgusts me & that a decent, honourable man wouldn't cheat on anyone.

neverdespairgirl

litheplay wrote: »

He says he's not in love, just tempted sexually. And also says that the woman he's cheating with is not in love either.

ps. I'm never staying at their house, but that's not important....

Well, seeing her, then. Or talking to her on the phone.

Not only might she eventually find out that her husband is cheating on her, but to add insult to injury, that he cheerfully told people (ie, you) who are friends of them both XXX weeks / months / years before she discovered it, and that friend or friends kept his secret for him.

Pechow

Yeah, I'd be telling her too. I wouldn't be covering up cheating for anyone, which is the position he's put you in-and it's not even for love, just so he can get laid.

Also, I personally would find it would add much more to the initial pain of being cheated on if it turned out others knew and never told me. Instead of just losing trust in my partner I'd forever be wondering about friends too. Who else knew and never said anything? Were they laughing at me behind my back the whole time? Etc.

Lagoon

I would tell her, definitely.

If I were being cheated on, I'd want to know. I could cope with ending the relationship because OH had cheated, but it would absolutely destroy me to know that people had been aware and I'd been carrying on as normal.

Person_one

Tell her.

She needs an STI test and a lawyer.

Everyone deserves to know the truth about their own lives.

Lagoon

Person_one wrote: »

Tell her.

She needs an STI test and a lawyer.

Everyone deserves to know the truth about their own lives.

Hadn't even considered the STI side of things. It's one of those things that's incredibly obvious, but in a situation where I'd been cheated on I know I'd probably need someone to remind me of that - the emotional side would take over.

Ugh, it's not nice to think about, of course.

BitterAndTwisted

I'd stay right out of it. The bearer of bad news will often be the one they both turn on. Fancy having both of them cut you out of their lives for interfering? If so, just go ahead and don't look back