Spouse's secret debt

FBaby

Are you ok with the reason why he got fired, or was it due to concerning behaviour?

I experienced the same thing with my ex, maybe to a lesser degree, but similar outcome. I suspected almost from the moment I met him that he was a serial liar, but wasn't too concerned because he was a lovely caring and faithful man and thought it was just because of his insecurity being new in the relationship. I should have seen the signs, him admitting he owed £5000 a few months afterwards, and then asking me for some cash at the end of each month. I thought because he always paid it back that it was ok.

Unfortunately, once we moved together, had kids and had to be more careful, instead of getting better it escalated. I thought things were under control, but didn't realise he had taken credit cards behind my back and was accruing his debts by regular amounts of cash being taken out wasted on drinks, meals, clothing etc...

We had our first bust about it, all coming out, begging me that he would sort himself out, asking me to take full control of the money etc... I refused to do so from the start, because I really couldn't be in love with a man who I had to treat like a child, and also because I thought he would never learnt to manage his money this way, and that would just make me more anxious.

Unfortunately, it didn't get better. I forgave once, twice, and then I gradually stopped trusting and respecting him and the relationship died of its own. The separation was a wake up call for him either. I think he has got a bit better since he is with his new partner because she is handling all the finances, but it has all taken a toll.

All I would advise is that it is the reason why it happened in the first place that needs to be tackled, not the outcome. If you had such a comfortable lifestyle and were not struggling financially, why and how did he get in such debts? Until this is clear and the issue is resolved, you can't relax and assume he won't do it again.

Aaa

We've had a joint bank account that we both put money into every month for mortgage, bills, shopping etc - how he was getting that money was oblivious to me. So yes, I had no idea.

I wasn't trying to make an excuse for him. I totally understand how bad this is and what an idiot he has been.

I was simply asking for some perspective and someone to talk to and listen. By saying he had no financial help (especially through uni) was me trying to go someway to saying how it started in the first place.

I'm in a pretty bad way. I appreciate all the support but I think I need to leave this now as some people are just going out of their way to make me feel worse about the situation.

Aaa

Thank you Fbaby. I'm sorry for all you had to go through. Thank you for sharing your story. It's making me think some more.

shoppaholic_returns

Sorry to hear of the issues, however it does sound to me that even though your husband brings home a good wage,that you are still living significantly above your means.
To still be carrying student debt ,yet having what seems to be an affluent lifestyle seems a very contrary way to live life.
Whilst I know this is seen as acceptable to a large tranche of the population, I don't understand why people don't get themselves into a more comfortable financial situation before spending a large proportion of their income on flashy cars etc.
Why not spend less on your cars until you are in a better situation, and get chance to get some savings behind you, just in case another rainy day comes along???

burnoutbabe

You could clear the debts by selling the 5 bed house surely?

2 adults and twins would need a 3 bed house max.

He probably hasn't had his lightbulb moment, he didn't tell you about the debt and beg for help did he? he was caught out and had to come clean.

I'd be very wary of all this. HE needs to have some plans to solve this, not just you.

LannieDuck

I can see where you're coming from Aaa. I think in your position I would give him a second chance too - he didn't build up debt on purpose, it sounds like poor money management and more than a touch of desperation.

However, I think you need to be very clear that, whilst you can forgive him being in debt, you can't forgive him lying. If you're going to be a partnership moving forwards, you need to be able to trust him. If he's unable to stop lying to you, I think that will become a big problem. Maybe ask him how he intends to regain your trust?

Also, you've said above about how you're tacking the finances to sort this out - cancelling DDs, ebaying stuff. Do make sure that he takes responsibility for some of it too. He needs to work out what luxuries he's going to live without, or which of his items he's going to ebay to get out of the hole (and make him actually do it - it takes a lot of time and effort, and it should be his free time that's impacted, not yours). If the debt has actually impacted upon him, he'll be much less likely to do it all over again. Whereas if you sort it all out for him and the debt disappears, he's unlikely to change the behaviour that led to the debt in the first place. There's a difference between supporting someone who's working their way out of debt, and doing it for them.

A last thought - are you sure he has a new job?

fannyadams

just to pick up on something you said earlier...

Aaa wrote: »

I know what you're saying but as he has spare income

Well to be absolutely honest here, he clearly DOESN'T have SPARE income because he has DEBTS totalling £46K!
so perhaps some of the SPARE income he says he has could be put to better use paying down the debt?

and to echo what someone else has said - you are sure he has a job?

Pollycat

Aaa wrote: »

I was simply asking for some perspective and someone to talk to and listen. By saying he had no financial help (especially through uni) was me trying to go someway to saying how it started in the first place.

I'm in a pretty bad way. I appreciate all the support but I think I need to leave this now as some people are just going out of their way to make me feel worse about the situation.

No, people have been asking questions.

When you post personal information on a public forum don't expect to get 'There, There, it'll all be fine' replies.

I concentrated on the financial side of your problems but it's become clear from your later posts that you didn't want that.
You want reassurance that your lying husband won't do it again.
I don't think anyone can give you what you want.

You obviously think I'm getting at you because I've not said what you wanted to hear. Sorry I tried to help.

OCS_Fan

Aaa wrote: »

We've had a joint bank account that we both put money into every month for mortgage, bills, shopping etc - how he was getting that money was oblivious to me. So yes, I had no idea.

I wasn't trying to make an excuse for him. I totally understand how bad this is and what an idiot he has been.

I was simply asking for some perspective and someone to talk to and listen.
.

I am also currently going through relationships difficulties where lies and loss of trust are the main factors. I too came on here looking for viewpoints and advice as I have forgiven him so many times. I think when you are in the midst of a situation, it is difficult to always know what's reasonable. I do not have a lot of friends or family that I can turn to so I opened up my heart on this forum as I know there are people out there who have been through similar things and others who have offered me ways of gaining that clearer perspective BUT I know that ultimately the decision to stay or go, to give up on us or give him one more chance is down to me. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear but I do not fear the truth as much as knowing whether what I am being told is truth or just his version of truth. Regaining trust lost through discovering your love has lied to you is the biggest challenge - for me anyway. I wish you luck x

tinkerbell28

I'd be very concerned on getting more debt secured on the house, with someone who is still lying.

It's all emperors new clothes.

Why can't you sell the house? Downgrade to a 3 or 4 even. You'd probably clear the debt without taking on more secured against your house.