Spouse's secret debt

Aaa

I know what you're saying but as he has spare income
Remortgaging is the best option for us. We have looked into it all and it really is the way option for us. Thanks for your advice xxx maybe 'way out' was the wrong terminology, maybe it's a 'solution' x

Mint1955

I would be looking at why he got fired and lied about it as well as possible depression.
Taking over the reins is a good idea but don't make it easy for him he still has to make decisions to make things work going forward.

Aaa

I know why he got fired now (at least I hope I do). Depression of some
Form wouldn't be a shock...he has booked himself a doctors appointment.

webtalk

I didn't spot anyone suggesting that you downsize quite dramatically to clear the debt.

As far as staying with him goes - only you can decide.

But, if after being caught out with all these lies and deceits and him promising to be truthful/open, he continues to lie and you accept that - then you will have communicated to him that you'll put up with anything.

Mental health issues or no, your FIRST responsibility is to your children.

Good luck.

Aaa

[QUOTE

Mental health issues or no, your FIRST responsibility is to your children.

Good luck.[/QUOTE]

This is a huge reason for staying with him!!!!!!!!!

Brewstersmum

it sounds like a spiral of trying to protect his family to me.

How would you of reacted if he told you he was been fired? As a mum myself I would of been worried sick about my children and how we would cope with no income. also knowing that there is nothing you can actually do as you are now a stay at home mum too!

one lie leads to the next and the next.

im not condoning it, im just saying its not like hes off out gambling your money away, he was just trying to save you a hell of a lot of stress and worry and trying to put it all on his shoulders.

Hugs OP x

Pollycat

merlot123 wrote: »

Remortgaging is not a way out, you are simply moving unsecured debt into a secured debt, your home could be at risk if he loses his job , why do this, why not look on the debt free board for advice.

Repaying debts are never easy, you need to think about it carefully before adding the debt onto the mortgage.

This is an excellent piece of advice that I think you may have missed, OP.

On the DFW board, I've seen countless threads from people in secret debt worried about confessing to their partners i.e. opposite situation to you.

And if you are going to take over the finances you should be considering ways to reduce your outgoings.
I'd bet with the 'lovely' (probably lavish) lifestyle that you had, there's lots of opportunities to cut your spending.
Lots of great advice from some pretty kind and savvy people on there.

I must admit, I think the most worrying part in all your posts is this:

Aaa wrote: »

I've said I love him and will stay with him but then again today he lied to me about payments coming out of his bank account after everything we have been through the past few days.

He needs to understand that he has no choice but to be honest with you from now on.

Caroline_a

What did he spend this money on? That would be my first question. Also it doesn't sound like depression to me - I wouldn't be allowing excuses for the lies I'm afraid - because if he can give that as a reason then he can do it again...

Aaa

Thanks everyone.

He has been in debt since we met at uni in 97. He has never had financial help from anyone (even parents through uni ). Think he was in debt then and never got out of it, living in London and just spending.never on anything specific. He hasn't been malicious - just stupid. Looking through all the bank accounts the debt was to pay the debt etc...he was using pay day loans and extending them so ending up paying nearly double back.

I have already cancelled a tonne of direct debits, sold loads of stuff on eBay and worked out lots of other ways to save money.

Will be looking at the DF board but have had chats with lots of advisers so am not jumping into anything lightly.

Pollycat

Aaa wrote: »

He has been in debt since we met at uni in 97. He has never had financial help from anyone (even parents through uni ). Think he was in debt then and never got out of it, living in London and just spending.never on anything specific. He hasn't been malicious - just stupid. Looking through all the bank accounts the debt was to pay the debt etc...he was using pay day loans and extending them so ending up paying nearly double back.

Have you really been totally oblivious about this debt for over 15 years?
Have you both kept your finances separate (and secret, in his case) since you got together?

Lots of people (me and my OH included) have never had financial help from anyone either.
Don't make excuses for him.

Aaa wrote: »

Will be looking at the DF board but have had chats with lots of advisers so am not jumping into anything lightly.

Nobody is suggesting you 'jump into anything' - lightly or not.

Is it one of your advisors who suggested re-mortgaging?
Have you had independent financial advice?