Spouse's secret debt

Aaa

Hi everyone,
I've just found out (in a very pushy, round a bout way) that my husband was fired from his job in February - he told me he was made
Redundant with a big pay off, he has continued to lie until I found out he was £46k in debt. There is more deceipt with who he has borrowed from, calling people before me calling to hide stories etc. he has teally apologised and we are lucky enough to have a way out...I've said I love him and will stay with him but then again today he lied to me about payments coming out of his bank account after everything we have been through the past few days. The sad thing is he earns the money to afford our lovely lifestyle, beautiful big 5 bedroom house, 2 swanky cars but he has been on debt for so long and then losing his job was the final straw. Am I being a fool for staying with him. I'm scared he has forgotten how to actually tell the truth and scared he has lost sense of reality. Please can someone help me, am at a total loss

BitterAndTwisted

What is the way out and has he found another job yet? It's a really vile thing to find out the life you had was built on sand. Do you think there's a chance that you know everything there is to know and will continue to do so?

geoffky

He used to earn the money(maybe)... but he has been Living a lie with a facade of normal living but drowning in debt on the inside...What or who made him think this is what he should do.
Why would you not want to try and make it all work?
He after all was only trying to keep up appearances for some strange reason...

Aaa

Yes he has a new job that pays really well. We are remortgaging, not ideal but its a way out we can easily afford. I found out more and more every day between mon and weds and really won't be able to cope if I find out any more. I left my high paying job a year ago to look after our twin babies. Am I a mug for staying in this?? Thanks so much for replying.

Aaa

He said the debt has been going on for as long as he can remember!

BitterAndTwisted

Aaa wrote: »

The sad thing is he earns the money to afford our lovely lifestyle, beautiful big 5 bedroom house, 2 swanky cars but he has been in debt for so long and then losing his job was the final straw.

Perhaps when he was earning a decent salary to support all that you both enjoyed he believed £40-odd thousands of pounds of debt wasn't significant.

Or is it the lack of honesty that you're worried about?

Aaa

Maybe you're right. Thank you. Just need to try and gain some perspective. Am frightened he may be a compulsive liar and doesn't know how to stop. My family and his have been very supportive and understanding - maybe he has got away with it too easily. I just don't know! I want to say I believe him...but...

BitterAndTwisted

He has a new job that pays really well. You are remortgaging.

So, it's not the end of everything you've known and hold dear.

The only way forward is for both of you to be really honest about your finances. Is he prepared to do that and do you trust him to?

Aaa

The trust thing is huge!

Aaa

I agree. I am struggling to understand all the lies...the money problems can be fixed, I hope. Thank you for helping me.

marisco_2

Honesty and openness are the foundations of a good relationship to me. Without them I don't see how you can trust someone or feel secure about sharing your life with them. Your husbands deceit and lies have led him to get into a huge level of debt. Within a short amount of time after discovering all this you say he has lied to you again. Not the actions of someone who regrets covering their tracks and wants to be upfront about things from now on!

You are lucky to have a way out of all this, but in doing so how will this impact on the life you lead now? Very few people could pull themselves out of this kind of situation without having to make huge sacrifices. Only you can say whether it is worthwhile staying in your relationship. Can you face a future with someone worrying if this scenario will happen again? I know I couldn't. I think a very frank discussion is required between you both to establish where you go from here.