Spouse's secret debt

geoffky

If i was you i really would explore the reason he felt unable to tell you...
This will lie at the heart of the problem as the debt is do-able but trust is very very hard to regain...
I think you both need to explore and talk about this otherwise this will remain unresolved and cause many many doubts and resentment...
I wonder if both have counseling that it might all come out and you will feel able to move on together.

BitterAndTwisted

marisco wrote: »

Not the actions of someone who regrets covering their tracks and wants to be upfront about things from now on!

No, but very possibly the actions of someone truly ashamed of the utter mess they have made for themselves and their family..


Now that it's all out in the open perhaps more honestly and openness can be achieved. I'd be thinking about taking hold of the financial reins from now on.

Aaa

His reason for not telling me was that he wanted to protect me and that he was so ashamed, drowning in debt, couldn't see a way out etc etc. counselling is a very good idea and something I will
Definitely explore. I do want to stay with him but wasn't sure if I am just being a mug and am struggling to think straight. I know that no one can tell me if I should stay with him or not but I couldn't get any perspective as my dad was telling me we will get through it and to learn from
Experience - his mum saying she was worried he was mentally ill and my best friend telling me she is struggling to see how we are going to stay together. Thanks all so much for your replies and viewpoints, it's helped so much. Xxxxx

Aaa

I'm in charge of all our finances from this point on!!! Wish me luck. X

geoffky

When i first read this i thought about Depression....Another avenue you must explore...Good luck...
It sounds like counseling will do YOU a world of good.

*max*

This screams "shame and embarrassment" to me too. Clearly if you have a relatively easy way out of so much debt, then he earns a very good salary, and most likely was before he got fired - possibly even a job in finance, which is why he may have found it so embarrassing to say you were in debt.

If you can take the money side of things aside (which could be done if you are/were very well off), what you have to concentrate on is the trust issue. You have to make it clear that lies are unacceptable, no matter what. And you have to really ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker, or if you truly believe he'll be truthful from now on.

geoffky

Aaa wrote: »

I'm in charge of all our finances from this point on!!! Wish me luck. X

This is a must for now, but be very careful your financial relationship does not become like a mother and son one with you in total control...Get him to play his part in decision making..

Aaa

geoffky wrote: »

This is a must for now, but be very careful your financial relationship does not become like a mother and son one with you in total control...Get him to play his part in decision making..

Excellent, excellent advice and much needed. Thanks x

merlot123

Aaa wrote: »

Yes he has a new job that pays really well. We are remortgaging, not ideal but its a way out we can easily afford. I found out more and more every day between mon and weds and really won't be able to cope if I find out any more. I left my high paying job a year ago to look after our twin babies. Am I a mug for staying in this?? Thanks so much for replying.

Remortgaging is not a way out, you are simply moving unsecured debt into a secured debt, your home could be at risk if he loses his job , why do this, why not look on the debt free board for advice.

Repaying debts are never easy, you need to think about it carefully before adding the debt onto the mortgage.

Aaa

Yes. I understand but as he has a good income every other way is more
Tricky for us. We have looked into it all. I know
It's not a 'way out' as such but it's our only solution. If it happens again then yes, we will lose our house but we would anyway. I do know what you're saying but it really is the best option for us.