Moving mistake

Oh_dear_13

Hi all

I'm another long-term money saver under a different login

I need some help please, it relates to the post on 'is my relationship worth saving' too.

I moved into house in a completely new place to me, which is where OH was brought up.

I own the house outright and have another in a town that I lived in for 20 years.

The problem is that I hate where we're living and want to move back to old house this time next year so that DD can start college. OH doesn't.

We've been together for 9 years (children are from previous marriage) and married for 5.

I'm walking on eggshells all of the time and have been for a few years (as has DD) and our relationship has become more and more unstable - my wanting to move and his complete lack of support.

He's always been happy that the houses are in my name, I pay the bills, mortgage etc and he gives me £500 month housekeeping out of his salary of approx £25k (he has travel costs of £300 per month) - does that sound like a reasonable amount when it costs almost £2k to run household, or am I a mug?

I don't know what to do - I'm going to try to make a go of things here but am very lonely and don't know where to start making new friends - his family are here and I've always got on with them and it was pretty much my idea to move here.

I've financed the whole lot (with help from my parents) and basically have a choice - him or my old house (which I've now realised is far better than this one) and friends.

My parents are completely supportive of me, whatever I decide, but nobody else knows.

I've seen a solicitor and it looks like, if we end up divorcing he could (not sure if he would) end up with a big chunk of money (prob a fair amount of what was given to me by my parents).
Does anyone have any ideas please as I think I've made a huge (and possibly expensive) mistake.

PS sorry it's a long one and all over the place (that's how my life feels at the moment!).

Netwizard

Oh_dear_13 wrote: »

The problem is that I hate where we're living and want to move back to old house this time next year so that DD can start college. OH doesn't.

Oh_dear_13 wrote: »

I'm walking on eggshells all of the time and have been for a few years (as has DD) and our relationship has become more and more unstable.

Oh_dear_13 wrote: »

am very lonely

Oh_dear_13 wrote: »

I've financed the whole lot (with help from my parents) and basically have a choice - him or my old house (which I've now realised is far better than this one) and friends.

Reading these bits back, I know exactly what I would do in your situation. If you move back home, you lose your other half, who you have a rocky relationship with anyway.

But on your move back home, you will be happier in the other house, your DD can start college, and you won't feel lonely because you will have your family and friends around you (to me, having family / friends round you, especially when your going through !!!!!! times, can make you feel a whole world better).

I think you need to have a talk with your other half. Make it clear how your feeling and what you want. It seems to me like you have put 99% of the effort and finances into this relationship anyway. If he decides to walk, is it really going to be a big loss? Doesn't sound like it.

Oh_dear_13 wrote: »

I've seen a solicitor and it looks like, if we end up divorcing he could (not sure if he would) end up with a big chunk of money (prob a fair amount of what was given to me by my parents).
Does anyone have any ideas please as I think I've made a huge (and possibly expensive) mistake.

This is the one big thing that scares me about all this marriage thing. I know i'm a glass half full person on the subject of marriage but having worked bloody hard for everything I have (house included) I'd be scared witless if a partner suddenly wanted 50% of it for doing pretty much sod all. Puts me right off. Obviously on the subject of the finances, I think you need to get some proper advice on that. I'm sure more knowledgeable people on here will be along soon

Good luck and keep us updated

the_pink_panther_2

Am still chewing this over and there are lots of issues here which could be addressed but in honesty; more info than you could post on a thread would probably be needed to give a solid response, but maybe you'll get some ideas you can work with.

Have no specific legal knowledge, but I believe that it's true, that OH would be eligible for some kind of financial settlement. Don't know how this would be calculated exactly, can only assume that it will be on basis of some of your combined assets. You're worried about your OH getting money which was a gift from your parents, I believe that each individual is entitled to give something in region of £15K (don't know exact figure) as a gift, I understand that to mean it's tax free but above some threshold (I think it's in the £15K region but this would need to be checked) I suspect it's taxed. If your parents have given you large sums of money and you're afraid of him getting money which is in fact theirs, why don't you as a gift give them it back. Would make you worth less too when financial settlements considered. Don't actually know if it works like that but could be worth looking into. As you say, this money is in fact theirs.

Oh_dear_13

the_pink_panther wrote: »

You're worried about your OH getting money which was a gift from your parents, I believe that each individual is entitled to give something in region of £15K (don't know exact figure) as a gift, I understand that to mean it's tax free but above some threshold (I think it's in the £15K region but this would need to be checked) I suspect it's taxed. If your parents have given you large sums of money and you're afraid of him getting money which is in fact theirs, why don't you as a gift give them it back. Would make you worth less too when financial settlements considered. Don't actually know if it works like that but could be worth looking into. As you say, this money is in fact theirs.

That's a great idea - they've actually each given me £25k + some in trust for my children. I have a small amount of cash which I could give back to them so will do that - at least it's a start and then when I get some more I can give that to them too.

Thank you

Oh_dear_13

Thank you for reading my post and being so understanding. It's definitely what I need as I don't feel I have anywhere else to turn at the moment.

You're right, I do know what I need to do - we're just going from one argument to the next and it's worse since we've moved into this house. I feel completely drained by it all and don't really want to be around him. It goes from being nice one minute to horrible the next. I know I'm far from perfect but when I'm crying out for help and he's just pushing me down it's making me feel less and less able to stay here.

DD is away until tomorrow and I don't want to put her through this anymore - the constant arguing that's happening between us and her being my rock - it shouldn't be like that for a 15 year old.

Today could have been a good day but it's been awful and he packed a bag but then when I didn't ask him to stay he came to me and asked what I wanted.

Do I need to get him out tonight before DD comes back or wait and do it sensibly? Any ideas anyone?

Oh_dear_13

By him getting out 'sensibly' I mean in a more calm and adult way rather than the heat of an argument?

He's being all nice now and doing jobs around the house - aaaarrrrgggghhh, this is really messing my emotions up and I don't feel I can trust him now.

marisco_2

On the one hand whilst your daughter is away, this could be an opportunity to have a very open and frank discussion with your partner about your futures. How is he likely to react to you saying you want him to move out? Will he accept it or might it cause all kinds of upset and create an awful atmosphere for her to return home to?

LannieDuck

I think you need to start by deciding what it is you actually do want.

From what you've written here, it sounds pretty clear that you're not happy in the relationship, in which case I think you do want him to leave. And if he has his bags packed, perhaps some time apart would do you both good to think through your options?

But, whilst we can give our opinions, at the end of the day it's your relationship and only you know what state it's actually in.

Edit: If he's being reasonable at the moment, perhaps it would be a good time to sit down with him and have a frank and honest discussion?

(Edit addendum: I just spotted that's exactly what marisco said :P)

Heffi1

He obviously realises you are on the edge of making a decision which will affect him and so he is trying to appease you right now, show you how lovely he can be, but once you back down he will begin over again, rinse and repeat for years to come...

By keeping the control to yourself he is wrong footed and does what he thinks he needs to do in order to win you over.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life.

I am assuming the answer to this is NO so take some time to gather your thoughts and then sit him down and tell him, with as little emotion as you can how you intend to continue YOUR life, and that might mean he plays no further part in it.

This is your decision, do not let his moods sway you from doing what you want to do. Expect tears and tantrums though.

bagpussbear

OP are you sure your hubby will definitely leave you if you make the decision to sell and move? I just wonder if you say I AM moving back to the other house (rather than having a discussion about whether to) what he would actually do?

tinkerbell28

I would stay with taking advice from your solicitor.

As you are married, he will have a beneficial interest in the properties. He is also contributing. With his work travel costs ontop, it seems reasonable.

I would NOT be gifting money and all of that jazz WITHOUT legal advice. You could be seen by a court to be disposing of marital assets and they'll come down on you like a tonne of bricks.

If he knows you've got it. Do not be trying to make yourself worthless without proper legal advice. As you won't come off well.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear, as your solicitor has already told you. So you're hoping for advice here to make you feel better. I wouldn't follow any of it. DO NOT start disposing of ready cash. As when it comes to the financial settlement it will not work in your favour if it looks like you're hiding cash with your parents.