Separating after 10 years together

BitterAndTwisted

In which case I suggest you issue an ultimatum: he gets back on the meds, stops abusing drugs and alcohol, and then seeks help for his mental health issues within a defined time-frame or he's out for good.

OCS_Fan

pineapple wrote: »

Well I'm getting your picture.
Frankly it is too much information. You don't have to justify yourself on an internet forum. In any case, not knowing either of you, we are not in a position to make judgements or take sides.
So while it might have made you feel better, typing it all out, I'm afraid I just skimmed it.
It seems to me you have been given some good advice so far which is

• Try some distance before rushing into anything
• Look at the possibility of relationship counselling.
• Get some legal advice.

On the last point I do know a couple of people who were unpleasantly surprised to find that what they thought was a cut and dried moral argument was not reflected by the situation in law. I also know that informal arrangements can come adrift once one partner has cut loose.
The most important consideration should be your son which is why you need to proceed carefully- and ideally get some qualified advice..

Honestly said Pineapple. You are completely right. Our son is my priority. I will take legal advice. At the moment, he accepts my offer of £5000 on sale of property plus various assets we have agreed are his. He wants me to be able to afford a decent rental home for our child so that he can stay at the same school. I have said I will give more if house sells for more than the minimum I need to clear my debts (in my name but jointly spent). I am hoping for £40000 equity. If I can't achieve this, I will not sell. House is in a sort after area but needs quite a lot of work. My mortgage is £526 a month but renting a similar house in same area would be £800-850. Selling would enable me to clear debts. Without my partners contribution, I am going to end up borrowing more to stay afloat, particularly as I can't spend on improving the house. Thank you for your comments.

OCS_Fan

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

In which case I suggest you issue an ultimatum: he gets back on the meds, stops abusing drugs and alcohol, and then seeks help for his mental health issues within a defined time-frame or he's out for good.

That's where we were on Sunday evening after along day of semi arguing and discussion. On Friday, he fled to stay with a friend from his home town and did not return until Sunday lunchtime, spending money on train fare, a football match and probably food and alcohol. He just had to get away from the atmosphere bringing him down. Of course, he texted me during this time, telling me he will always love me and there will never be another me etc.

Our child was in bed by 9.30 so we talked. He wrote a list of non-negotiables/rules for him to stick to and not break. One being that he would go to the doctor the following week and get back on some form of Prozac. He would not go out alone or anywhere that I didn't know who he was with or where. He would stop smoking as soon as possible. He would help finish DIY jobs. He would be there for me and our child. He would treat me with love and respect. We agreed we needed to start afresh. That he felt like a lodger as he had no official stake in our home. We would sell, clear our debts and rent somewhere together. We would be able to go out together and spend quality time together as a family as we would have more disposable income. Most importantly if he broke anyone of the rules he had set for himself, he would walk way without argument or begging me to forgive him. I agreed. Less than 24 hours later, he was eating his words.

It's over - I know it has to be. We need to strive to be as amicable as possible. I let him borrow my car today!!! I'm hopeless.

geoffky

Can you tell me why paying more rent will able you to have more disposable income?
The weed has to go yesterday...It is a nightmare for people with mh issues.
Make that rule no1 if you are inclined to stay around.
Good luck it must be a nightmare just thinking about it..

Bangton

I'm really sorry your suffering at the moment.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing - there are only so many times you can be let down. If he couldn't even stick it for 24hrs I'm afraid there is no hope. He clearly thinks you will always be there no matter what he does and that has to stop.

It's ok to make it amicable though. By all means lend him your car - it doesn't make you hopeless - it makes you a nice person who is sad to see her relationship go.

This will get easier it really will. Hold your head high..you've done your best

maman

I'd definitely get legal advice.

I'm not sure that as he's living in what is effectively your home and you're not married that courts would be interested in a settlement. It's not as if it's part of a divorce. He's been paying towards bills and rightly helping to support his child but that doesn't necessarily give him a legal claim.

Is renting your only option? If you have plenty of equity couldn't you downsize? I'd think very hard about whether to get off the property ladder and start paying rent or would it be impossible to buy anything near enough for your son to stay at his school?

valk_scot

If you're not married and the mortgage is in your name you're in a very strong position re finances, also the fact that he's being cooperative about money and especially as he's keen to do the best by his child...well, keep talking, you'll work this out. I do think though from what you're saying you will feel a lot happier to move on and take full control over your life again. But keep it amicable...you don't want to get your good nature and desire to be fair taken advantage of, no, but it's well worth making the effort to keep things amicable.

I agree with the suggestions of looking to downsize and buy rather than simply rent, especially if renting is going to cost more than a mortgage. You don't have leave a school just because you change catchment, surely? (I am Scottish, I don't know how it works in England.)

maman

valk_scot wrote: »

I agree with the suggestions of looking to downsize and buy rather than simply rent, especially if renting is going to cost more than a mortgage. You don't have leave a school just because you change catchment, surely? (I am Scottish, I don't know how it works in England.)

No, you're right. Once you've got a place you can live anywhere.

OCS_Fan

geoffky wrote: »

Can you tell me why paying more rent will able you to have more disposable income?
The weed has to go yesterday...It is a nightmare for people with mh issues.
Make that rule no1 if you are inclined to stay around.
Good luck it must be a nightmare just thinking about it..

Paying more in rent is not good but selling is the only way to release the equity in the property. I have 2 loans, an overdraft and credit cards that total nearly £22000, the repayments each month are like having an extra mortgage. It is true that the credit cards will be paid off in less than 2 years and both loans in 4. Also my house needs quite a lot of work. With my partner helping out financially and doing most of the DIY himself, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. However, on my own I think I would go under. All credit card debt is at 0% and loan 1 is 8.1% and loan 2 is 5.9%. I have taken advice from debt free wannabe forum.

I have told him that I have read that cannabis does not help people with mental health issues. Unfortunately, he calls it suffering with his nerves rather than admitting the true extent of MH difficulties. He has a 1st class degree and is currently holding down a job- he says he would not be able to do this if he was "mentally ill". He put his recent blip down to coming off his tablets and nothing else. He tells me that before he met me he had been using cannabis for years with no ill effects. He has agreed to go back on his tablets but says the way he is now is " the real me".

OCS_Fan

Bangton wrote: »

I'm really sorry your suffering at the moment.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing - there are only so many times you can be let down. If he couldn't even stick it for 24hrs I'm afraid there is no hope. He clearly thinks you will always be there no matter what he does and that has to stop.

It's ok to make it amicable though. By all means lend him your car - it doesn't make you hopeless - it makes you a nice person who is sad to see her relationship go.

This will get easier it really will. Hold your head high..you've done your best

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I have given him the ultimatum but getting him to accept it is another thing. He says my view on the 24 hour thing is rubbish - that he did not break the rules agreed the night before. He says I'm not giving him long enough to show that he is back on track. He is correct in saying that he did not really rule break as such but he came home in the doldrums, moaning about someone at work. I talk him through it patiently although I didn't feel like it as both my son and I had had a fairly good day compared to many recently. The last thing I wanted to do was to hear his sob story (do I sound harsh?). Nevertheless he seemed to cheer up a little. One of the minor things that aggravates me is the amount of time he spends upstairs in our bedroom while my son and I are downstairs. We'd had our meal though and watched a favourite show together, so when he said he was going upstairs to look on eBay, I didn't mind. An hour later, he came down to 'discuss' his need for two pieces of equipment for his business ( he loves techno and is always looking for the next thing he 'needs'). Bearing in mind our current money difficulties, this did not go down too well and my face fell. I told him it was his decision but he would have to buy them on his credit card. Not liking this response, his mood changed again prompting me to comment 'Cant we even make it through 24 hours'. He slumped in his chair, basically said that everything he did was hopeless and he might as well give up. I thought here we go again. He quickly became agitated, stood up and ranted at me. Next he storms upstairs and I can hear him banging things. Things usually escalate from here, so I told my son to get his shoes on and we went out in the car. It was about 8pm. Sometimes when this happens I leave the house, sit in my car or drive somewhere, otherwise I go and sit in the garage until he calms down. This isn't normal is it?