Separating after 10 years together

OCS_Fan

My partner and I are separating after a rocky 10 years together. We have a 9 year old child. We are not married but have both been married before. I have forced the split due to his recent behaviour. I love him, he 'loves' me but we cannot live together without arguing about recent events and past events. It's super complex - too complex to explain fully on this forum. The final decision was only made on Monday evening. The previous evening I had agreed to yet another 'give me one more chance'. We made up. I felt relieved (misguided and deluded as I was), only to be let down again. It is all too painful for words but, nevertheless, for our child's sake and my sanity, I am determined to stick to the decision. Why I am posting, I am not altogether sure. I came on here for some advice on renting (some problems are financial) and selling my property but I have ended up on this forum. Looking for comfort, advice, conformation that I am doing the right thing. Sometimes it seems easy to stay in a relationship that you have sweated blood and tears to keep going, rather than going it alone. There is so much to do and yet I'm on here putting it off :eek:.

Am I doing the right thing? When is love not enough? I can not imagine ever meeting someone again who I feel the same way about. I am the wrong side of 40 (he's 2 years older). I married at 20 for love and for life but, after 14 years and 2 children, he told me he didn't love me and left me. I managed to keep the marital home (just) been a struggle ever since. I met my partner on the rebound, only 7 months after my husband left me. We were both looking for our 'happy ever after'. He moved area to be with me. He moved in very quickly. He had no children. We were head over heels in love so decided to have a child together. Things happened fast!!!

My partner has a history of mental health issues. He had a very traumatic childhood. His work history has been erratic to say the least. In the beginning, he walked away from jobs because he couldn't cope. Over the years, I have supported him, helped him make career changes, listened to his work woes and, up until recently he held down a job for 4 years. I have a career and a stable work history. I went back to work full-time when our son was 4 months old. I earn at least double my partner's income, hence the mortgage is in my name. I have debt but I always make the payments. He has some debt. Without him contributing financially, I cannot afford to stay in my home. I have equity in my property if I can sell it. The plan is to pay off my debts, give him some to pay his off (he has improved our home over the years and given me money towards bills etc) then rent separately, close to our son' s school. He wants to stay in our son 's life.

I am currently on holiday (I work in education) so I need to make the most of the time I have left to organise the house and get it on the market yet I am still reeling from it all.

Please feel free to ask any questions. I will answer if I can. What would you do first?

richardw

Relate can be very good with helping couples with 'super complex' problems.

Errata

Do you need to sell? Would one (or two) lodgers enable you to keep the house?

pineapple

You say the mortgage is in your name but you acknowledge he has made contributions so I am not sure whether a court would class it as an asset belonging to you only. Others may be better able to advise.
I too split with my partner of 10 years. We never distinguished between his and mine and when it came to it, we split everything down the middle - even though I was the higher earner. The mortgage was in joint names though and there were no children..
Perhaps CAB could advise on the legal/financial issues? Also I believe you can get a free limited consultation with a solicitor?
As for the emotional side - have you thought of relationship counselling? - and is it feasible for you to have a temporary break from each other? It might help to get some distance even if just for a week or two.
Are mental health services involved?

marisco_2

My advice would be not to rush into anything right now. It is natural that you are reeling at the moment, but whilst you feel that way it wouldn't be wise to make huge decisions about your future. It comes across quite strongly that you are torn in two about how you feel about your relationship. Part of you realises that it is just not working, yet at the same time you appear to be questioning whether you should walk away.

Another poster recommended Relate and I think you could benefit from their assistance. Either for yourself and your partner to go along together and talk things through, or just for yourself alone. It may help you to reconcile all your feelings and to feel confident about what to do next, rather than being in this state of confusion about it all. I am sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, and hope that you have family and friends nearby to help you through it.

MakeupAddict_2

OCS_Fan wrote: »

I have forced the split due to his recent behaviour. I love him, he 'loves' me but we cannot live together without arguing about recent events and past events. It's super complex - too complex to explain fully on this forum. The final decision was only made on Monday evening. The previous evening I had agreed to yet another 'give me one more chance'. We made up. I felt relieved (misguided and deluded as I was), only to be let down again. It is all too painful for words but, nevertheless, for our child's sake and my sanity, I am determined to stick to the decision.

Only you know the full story, but it might be worthwhile taking a cool headed think about the history behind what you've written here.

The fact that you're (it seems) regularly arguing, that you're being let down less than 24 hours after giving him one more chance - not for the first time, I sense - and that you need to change the situation for both you child and your own sanity, all suggest that it may be time to move on.

Think about why you want to leave, and why you want to stay. Staying because it's less frightening than going it alone is a short term strategy that will do more harm than good in the long run. There is nothing wrong in leaving if you have had enough of being his 'mother'. Have you thought about leaving in the past and he's talked you into staying and giving it another chance? (With or without promises that 'he'll change'?)

I now you feel that time is tight because the new term starts soon, but even a day's hard thinking would be better than rushing into something and then wondering later if it was the right thing to do. Talking it through with someone tends to clarify things a lot too, when you hear yourself saying things out loud, as well as giving a different perspective.

MuAx

OCS_Fan

pineapple wrote: »

You say the mortgage is in your name but you acknowledge he has made contributions so I am not sure whether a court would class it as an asset belonging to you only. Others may be better able to advise.
I too split with my partner of 10 years. We never distinguished between his and mine and when it came to it, we split everything down the middle - even though I was the higher earner. The mortgage was in joint names though and there were no children..
Perhaps CAB could advise on the legal/financial issues? Also I believe you can get a free limited consultation with a solicitor?
As for the emotional side - have you thought of relationship counselling? - and is it feasible for you to have a temporary break from each other? It might help to get some distance even if just for a week or two.
Are mental health services involved?

I earn £2200 a month. Not consistently over the years, my partner has transferred £500 - £650 to me from his salary. From this, I pay all bills and other expenditure, including child care for our son. I have older children in further education who do not live with me permanently. I give them a relatively small amount of monthly support. My partner uses what's left of his salary to pay £200 off on a credit card (owes £2900) and makes a contribution to a private pension. He has a £2000 overdraft. He also pays for petrol and his own day to day expenses. This payment from him has stopped recently as he took voluntary redundancy from 4 year job. He is intending to set up his own business and used small pay off to buy equipment. It was always the plan for him to get a part-time or flexible job so he could continue to give me £500 and pay his debt pension(=£900) but he didn't. I put gentle pressure on him 2 months ago and he did secure a temporary 9 month contract. This job is 30 hours. He was paid for the first time last week but did not pick up a full month (£600). I think normally he will clear £1000. Due to situation, I've not taken any of £600. At the end of July, he went out for a drink with a friend/work colleague in his car. I lent him £10. He was not going to drink. In truth, he was not meeting this friend. I only found out because he rang me in the early hours because someone had collided with his car (not his fault he says) and driven off. As he may have been over the limit (he changed his story twice), he could not ring police. He walked home (some distance) and called a car breaker to tow car and scrap it - no questions asked. He had gone 'dancing' on his own as he needed to get out. He ended up in a pub. Flirted with a woman (he did not know her name) and offered her a lift home when it happened. Around this time, he sent me a text saying he was going to stay at his friend's house as he had had a drink after all. i was asleep so didn't read it. It is not the first time he has done this over the years. He claims that he has never had sexual intercourse with anyone since we met but he flirts to make himself feel better as he has low self-esteem. So now he has no car ( it wasn't worth claiming) so either uses mine or goes to work on his bike. When walking home, he also decided to smash his iPhone 4S and dump it. Are you getting the picture now? For most of the time I have been with him, he has taken some form of Prozac. His recent blip has coincided with him deciding to stop taking them despite my pleas to see doctor first. He has also started smoking again as an alternative (he doesn't like the way tablets impair his creativity) and not just normal tobacco. All this, I have reluctantly gone along with this. He was very remorseful. He agreed to try to return to his old self. However, he hasn't.

He has seen his doctor for depression over years. I have urged him to ask for a referral for counselling/psychiatry. He went but gave up. Said it wasn't helping.

OCS_Fan

marisco wrote: »

My advice would be not to rush into anything right now. It is natural that you are reeling at the moment, but whilst you feel that way it wouldn't be wise to make huge decisions about your future. It comes across quite strongly that you are torn in two about how you feel about your relationship. Part of you realises that it is just not working, yet at the same time you appear to be questioning whether you should walk away.

Another poster recommended Relate and I think you could benefit from their assistance. Either for yourself and your partner to go along together and talk things through, or just for yourself alone. It may help you to reconcile all your feelings and to feel confident about what to do next, rather than being in this state of confusion about it all. I am sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, and hope that you have family and friends nearby to help you through i

I did use Relate before when my marriage was on the rocks. It did help. I will consider it. The main reason I am struggling is that when things are good they are very good. Most of the time though I feel like I am a substitute mum rather than a partner. We have hit rock bottom many times but, in the end, he has always talked me round. I think when it is your second 'failure', it is hard to accept defeat. It sounds harsh but it's like he is a big kid who has never grown up. I thought we were winning but the last 2-3 months have been hell. One of my elder children has been dragged into it. They are urging me to make the break as they want me to be happy.

BitterAndTwisted

As he's been paying you £500 to £650 from his salary towards household expenses he's got a fairly good chance of making a claim towards the equity in your home. You will need to factor this in to any plans you make towards a formal separation. However, as you have a child together the most important thing is that the child is adequately housed, so you may not have to sell or remortgage for some time.

You need to see a solicitor as a matter of urgency so you know what your possible options might be.

For the time being I'd ask him to sling his hook if you are certain that your relationship is definitely over. Easy to say, hard to do.

pineapple

OCS_Fan wrote: »

Are you getting the picture now?

Well I'm getting your picture.
Frankly it is too much information. You don't have to justify yourself on an internet forum. In any case, not knowing either of you, we are not in a position to make judgements or take sides.
So while it might have made you feel better, typing it all out, I'm afraid I just skimmed it.
It seems to me you have been given some good advice so far which is

• Try some distance before rushing into anything
• Look at the possibility of relationship counselling.
• Get some legal advice.

On the last point I do know a couple of people who were unpleasantly surprised to find that what they thought was a cut and dried moral argument was not reflected by the situation in law. I also know that informal arrangements can come adrift once one partner has cut loose.
The most important consideration should be your son which is why you need to proceed carefully- and ideally get some qualified advice..

OCS_Fan

MakeupAddict wrote: »

Only you know the full story, but it might be worthwhile taking a cool headed think about the history behind what you've written here.

The fact that you're (it seems) regularly arguing, that you're being let down less than 24 hours after giving him one more chance - not for the first time, I sense - and that you need to change the situation for both you child and your own sanity, all suggest that it may be time to move on.

Think about why you want to leave, and why you want to stay. Staying because it's less frightening than going it alone is a short term strategy that will do more harm than good in the long run. There is nothing wrong in leaving if you have had enough of being his 'mother'. Have you thought about leaving in the past and he's talked you into staying and giving it another chance? (With or without promises that 'he'll change'?)

I now you feel that time is tight because the new term starts soon, but even a day's hard thinking would be better than rushing into something and then wondering later if it was the right thing to do. Talking it through with someone tends to clarify things a lot too, when you hear yourself saying things out loud, as well as giving a different perspective.

MuAx

Thank you MuAx - you have put into words exactly how I'm feeling. Twice in recent weeks, I have resolved to end it and many times over the last 10, he has left and returned to the area he was born, only to ring and ring and beg me to come back. I don't want to label his mental health issues but he is like a Jekyll and Hyde character. His awful childhood and early adulthood are a genuine reason for his low self-esteem. He has turned his life round many times. In truth, he has said himself that he is lucky to be alive. When he is having a 'manic ' episode (he denies being Bipolar but tells me his mum was), he seeks pleasure, attention and takes lots of risks - forgetting about me and our son). I can cope with the financial insecurity and his need for constant reassurance. What I can't cope with is the lies and lack of respect he has for me.