Divorce but husband is making my life hell

LastChanceSaloon_2

Hi there,

I really need some advice. Just to give you a quick summary of my current situation.

The relationship between my husband and I broke down about 4 years ago when after a physical argument I moved out of the marital bedroom into my 10 year old son’s room. We continued to live together more or less as friends for our son’s sake but things came to a head when my husband went through a PIP (personal improvement plan) at work and ultimately lost his job following several customer complaints about his bullish behaviour and some time signed off for depression. He has now decided that he wants to fulfil himself and has registered his own company.

During all of this happening (and not because he lost his job) I found a new and better paying job (I have always been working part time since I had my son (now 10) and full-time before). Due to my better paying job together with my husband’s increasingly strange behaviour (He doesn’t want you be a wage slave any longer, he sits all day at home doing nothing at all while I have to clean, tidy and sort out my son and the animals when I get home from a now increasingly challenging job, he wants to get a tattoo and piercing at the age of 54) I decided we should separate. Shortly after I informed him about my intentions (within the day!) he signed himself up to several internet sites where people specifically hook up with each other for sex. He did it so openly that I asked him if he could wait until he had moved out (at first he agreed he would move out but within a week he changed his mind and said he has been advised not to move since that would take the pressure off me settling).

I have since instructed a solicitor and have seen a mediator and he is due to have his first appointment this Wednesday. Unfortunately 2 hours after he made the appointment for mediation he posted an advert on Adult Gumtree asking for women in the area where the mediator is for sexual meetings afterwards. I know it is none of my business but his blatant behaviour is making life in the same house almost impossible. He has now dragged my son into it saying that “mummy is trying to make his life hell just because he is looking for some friends on the internet.” He sat him down on the table last night and asked him if he had any problems with daddy making friends on the internet after mummy told him she didn’t want him anymore and was really nasty to him. Strangely enough he omitted to mention that he has send naked and even worse pictures of himself.

I am not sure as to what to do but I am really struggling to keep going. My parents have been living with us for the last 4 weeks because I am uncomfortable and intimidated by my husband. He has been aggressive and intimidating towards them as well and they are really struggling. I understand it is very difficult to get my husband out, especially since he is now unemployed (and has no intentions to work) although his salary before then was in the region of £55k per annum. My husband wants us to sell the house and cash in on the £180k equity, pay of “our debts” (£36k in cc debts in his name) and split the money. I , on the other hand would like to stay in the house and take over the mortgage. I should add that on top of the equity in the house there is my husband’s pension which is worth ca £90 k and will be available for payout from the end of April 2014 (when he is turning 55) and my pension can (£20k). I am hoping to use his pension as a bargaining tool and try and find a lump sum to pay him off so he gets out (my parents have offered me a small lump sum they have just inherited). The difference in price between a 3 bed (which we age in at the moment ) in our area and a 2 bed is less than £50k with our current house in a relatively bad state of repair with extensive damp downstairs, a leaky roof which we were told needed attention 5 years ago and a shower that can’t be used because of leaky pipes that soak the kitchen ceiling as soon as the shower is started.
My husband is 54, I am 40 and my son is 10 years old about to start his last year at primary school which is a 500 yard walk from our house.

Any advice on how to proceed and on how to keep my sanity please?

Troutwrestler

Can you not buy him out of the house.

MakeupAddict_2

I would say move out into a rented place as soon as you can (I'm talking days/a couple of weeks, not three months) and deal with the rest from there.

Whatever mid-life crisis or mental health problem your husband is suffering from, that's not behaviour you can or should put up with. It might seem like letting him win by having him stay there while you are the one to move, but in this case I think it's the practical thing to do. The courts will decide as part of the divorce process how the assets should be divided, and will probably at least say that you get to live in the house until your son is 18.

His behaviour may get worse, and it's better for you and your son if you're not there to live with it.

MuAx

PS How do you own the house? In one name/as tenants in common/as joint tenants?

cakeforbrains

In the interests of keeping your sanity, i would advise you to completely keep out of his sex/internet life. I'm saying this in a kind way because doing otherwise will only wind you up. I think it's reasonable for you to expect him not to bring your son into it, but even if he does (as he has) you're going to have to rise above it.

Guest101

Everything u own and owe is joint. You both own the house, the pensions, any cars etc. and you both owe everything jointly.

The sensible thing, if you want a clean break is to sell the house.

If you take over the mortgage, you would need to buy out his half, ie remortgage, to the sum of 50% of the house. Your solicitor can advise more.

Otherwise, you could stay, but he would remain an owner and when yoru son turns 18, he could force the sale at 50% of the future value.

kelpie35

Is there any way in which you could use, the money offered by your parents, to rent a nice home for you and your DS.

It could be a temporary thing till you get divorced and money matters sorted out.

It would give you and your DS some peace and remove your DS from a home where things are being discussed with him that no young boy should have to be involved in.

BitterAndTwisted

LastChanceSaloon wrote: »

Hi there,. My husband wants us to sell the house and cash in on the £180k equity, pay of “our debts” (£36k in cc debts in his name) and split the money. I , on the other hand would like to stay in the house and take over the mortgage.

His opinion on what to do seems the fairest all round to me. What was his response to your offering to buy him out?

If you're formally separated, in emotional terms rather than in actual fact, I don't see what his trawling on the internet for sex has to do with anything. You're separated, so what he does or doesn't do is absolutely nothing to do with you any longer. Caring and/or snooping just means you haven't detached yourself from him yet.

Moving your parents in because you feel "uncomfortable and intimidated" isn't washing with me, I'm afraid, if you truly were either of those you would have moved out and taken your child with you and hang all the rest of it.

Caroline_a

I would second the moving out advice. I think you have to look at the effect that this is and will have on your son. No money is worth that...

lazer

MakeupAddict wrote: »

I would say move out into a rented place as soon as you can (I'm talking days/a couple of weeks, not three months) and deal with the rest from there.

Whatever mid-life crisis or mental health problem your husband is suffering from, that's not behaviour you can or should put up with. It might seem like letting him win by having him stay there while you are the one to move, but in this case I think it's the practical thing to do. The courts will decide as part of the divorce process how the assets should be divided, and will probably at least say that you get to live in the house until your son is 18.

His behaviour may get worse, and it's better for you and your son if you're not there to live with it.

MuAx

PS How do you own the house? In one name/as tenants in common/as joint tenants?

You are assuming the mother gets residency of the son, alterantively the father could and then he and the son will will get to live in the house until the son is 18.

Can I ask why your parents are living with you and was this agreed by your husband?

Your husband has not actually said anything inappropriate to him, perhaps he was trying to explain to your son is simple language why mummy is upset - it would have been appropriate for him to tell your 14 yo son he was sending naked paictures etc.

You and your husband are no longer together - and as hard as it is his sex life is now none of your business, you should not be upset with him over it (well you can't control of you feel upset or not, but you should not be angry and shout etc)

The most important thing is to ensure your son knows you both love him and reassure of this - it is bound to be a difficult time for him as well as for both of you.

Good luck with sorting the divorce.

Battleaxe44

Move out with your son, definitely move your parents out also, this is not an ideal situation and will be like red rag to bull with your husband. How would you feel if he moved his relatives in?

Are you planning to buy him out if you want to keep the house?

You will need to see a solicitor regarding a divorce, as I can see he is not to co-operate and will make your life as miserable as he can if you allow him.

Have you gone to mediation?

Do not under any circumstances go prying into his business, after all your are separated.

Once he sees you will not put up with his behaviour and you are for making a life of your own, you have taken the rug from under him, at the moment he knows which buttons to push to get your to react to him.

Try to find a house near the school for your son, this way he will have one less disruption in his life,

I don't think the house is going to sell quickly so let him live in it leaks and all.

You should get a pension share. Do not use his pension as a bargaining tool, this could backfire badly.

Just move out, if you are not there to pay the household expenses for him, he will soon change his tune. Be guided by your solicitor, get a good one as this is going to cost you especially where there is pension involved.

Good luck

LastChanceSaloon_2

here is a bit of a back story to all of this and I really don’t mind too much if it washes with some people or not. My husband has hoit me 3 times in the last 10 years, once I had a black eye which ultimately me move out of the bedroom. None of these incidents have been reported I should add because I didn’t want to ruin his life. There are several witness statements from joined friends who have stated how intimidating he is. Last night he almost went for my mum but I went in between and it was touch and go. He is very aware that he can’t flip out but he is struggling.

I had found a house for my son, me and our 2 dogs and cat and put down a holding deposit of £1000. That’s when my husband said he would move out. Unfortunately he changed his mind a week later and said he wouldn’t. I should add that it took me 3 months to find a property that would allow the pets which is why we decided it would be easier for him to move out. Also he is not contributing anything and if I would move out and rent he wouldn’t be able to keep the house.

I feel detached yet aggrieved that my husband is contributing nothing but managed to pay subscribtions to his sex sides and £400 for a private massage while he tells my son that he can't afford his swimming lessons.