I really need some advice re feeling low

cazs

I have been out of the relationship for quite some time but I am absolutely devestated to have lost my boyfriend. I am quite old to be in this position but this was actually my first relationship. He stopped being happy with me and broke it off despite my pleading with him to give it a proper second chance. I would have done anything at all to have fixed whatever he wanted fixing but it seemed that that, and the fact that I loved him even though he was really quite nasty at times to me as the relationship deteriorated, wasn't enough and we parted.

He promised me that after a period of months of no contact, to let us each lead our own lives, he would reconsider. However, I have contacted him and he tells me he met someone else in March and they are 'very happy'.

It was bad enough that he was no longer with me but now I find he's happily with someone else. I just don't know what to do with myself - I've never felt so hurt or lost and - I don't know what to do.

Months and months have pased since we split and I feel no better in any way about our split and now I find out he's with a new girlfriend, it's just worse.

I'm so unhappy for months and I want to be happy again but with all this it's harder still but I don't know how to move on. I'm naturally shy and quiet so it's hard for me to find someone else. I met my ex on EHarmony but I don't know I'll be fortunate again to find someone else as it took so long to meet him.

I've never posted anything like this before on any site but I'm just so so lost and so sad at how everything turned out.

Can anyone help me? I need to know how to move past this emotional disaster (I'm very emotional / sensitive which doesn't help and where I think most people would have got past this by now I just can't and I just look back and think 'what if') and what to do about finding someone new...

Any help?

gt568

It's gonna take time, but you need to get yourself out of this rut. I'd suggest that searching for an answer on the internet is possibly not the best and maybe you should go see your GP if you are really low. Good luck.

marisco_2

I think you need to accept that you were not as compatible with your ex as you thought. In healthy relationships both people wish to work at any issues that arise between them. They both see where things can be improved and adjust and compromise so as to resolve their problems. It should not come down to one person wanting to do whatever it takes to put things right to make the other happy and pleading for more chances.

A relationship shouldn't be what defines your happiness OP, rather it is an added lovely element to life when you feel happy, secure and content within yourself already. I think you would be very wise to be on your own for a while and decide what you really want from your future. Socialise and enjoy life and look forward to seeing who comes into your life in time. Don't make this your sole aim and focus though

cazs

marisco wrote: »

I think you need to accept that you were not as compatible with your ex as you thought. In healthy relationships both people wish to work at any issues that arise between them. They both see where things can be improved and adjust and compromise so as to resolve their problems. It should not come down to one person wanting to do whatever it takes to put things right to make the other happy and pleading for more chances.

A relationship shouldn't be what defines your happiness OP, rather it is an added lovely element to life when you feel happy, secure and content within yourself already. I think you would be very wise to be on your own for a while and decide what you really want from your future. Socialise and enjoy life and look forward to seeing who comes into your life in time. Don't make this your sole aim and focus though

Thanks for your response, but I have tried being on my own for a while since we split and I'm just not happy, I know some people are happy solo but I don't think I'm one of them, I have been trying to get on with other things in my life, work, keep fit and so on but I took the plunge to see if he wanted to try again, I did wonder if it was the right thing for me to make contact but I knew if I didn't I'd regret it and what I heard has just rubbed salt in the wound and any progress I'd made has kind of taken a giant leap back today. I don't want to keep wasting my life away.

In relation to the other point in the other post, I don't really believe in anti-depressants to be honest so I'm not sure the GP route is for me.

bagpussbear

sorry to hear you feel so low, hugs.

Happiness isn't just about being with someone, you have to find a happiness or contentment with your life with or without a partner. Try not to think about this man any more, he was part of your life once and as such was one of your life 'experiences' and now life is giving you new chances at different experiences.

Try to do things which make you happy or bring enjoyment in other ways. There will be another person for you at some point, and people are attracted to those who seem to be happy with who they are etc, so there is your key to finding another mate in due course.

Forget this guy, concentrate on yourself OP, and I hope the sadness passes soon for you.

hieveryone

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do.

Some things jump out at me; the fact that you pleaded with him not to end it, and the fact that you were willing to wait around and see if he changed his mind.

I suspect some lack of self-esteem and confidence here.

Take a little time to think about YOU and building yourself up to be happy on your own.

What are you good at? Or what would you like to get better at?
Look up college/uni courses in these areas and go along for a course to get out and about and increase your skills.

Increase your own confidence, get a skill and meet people along the way.

P.S and forget about the ex!

the_pink_panther_2

Reading what you've written OP, I can see numerous reasons why this is likely to feel very tough for you right now. I think that particularly if this is in your view is your only proper relationship then to you more could have hinged on it, also if it took you a long time to find someone then it can feel like it would be a battle to find another. BUT... as other posters have rightly said you must get on with your life, and do what you enjoy doing, keeping active is good and helps release endorphins. This might sound like you're being fobbed off but in reality it's not a knock off and it is constructive, though if you're feeling down it likely doesn't feel like that at this moment. The reason I'm saying that this is constructive is because people are drawn to positive people. By going out and doing things you enjoy, not only will you feel happier but others are more likely to be drawn to you and enjoy your company. Keep at it with the dating. You will meet someone, maybe it will take a while, maybe try some other dating sites as well, there are some free ones, there's nothing to lose by trying those. You will find someone else, when you do you'll regret the time you spent thinking about some guy who didn't value you. The best you can do is learn from what went wrong in this relationship and use it to help you with the next. If this guy wasn't nice to you, what sort of relationship would you have had in the long term. You live just the once, don't waste that one on some guy, just because someone is better than no one. It isn't always!

the_pink_panther_2

bagpussbear wrote: »

sorry to hear you feel so low, hugs.

Happiness isn't just about being with someone, you have to find a happiness or contentment with your life with or without a partner. Try not to think about this man any more, he was part of your life once and as such was one of your life 'experiences' and now life is giving you new chances at different experiences.

Try to do things which make you happy or bring enjoyment in other ways. There will be another person for you at some point, and people are attracted to those who seem to be happy with who they are etc, so there is your key to finding another mate in due course.

Forget this guy, concentrate on yourself OP, and I hope the sadness passes soon for you.

Sorry Bagpuss, I know my point overlaps with yours, but it took me so long to write my post, when I started writing, your post wasn't there... so I actually didn't see what you'd written until I after posted mine:)

bagpussbear

pink panther - great minds think alike!

ellie99

Yes, your ultimate aim is to forget about him and move on to better things. But it sounds like you're not ready to do that yet.

Maybe you need to analyse the relationship first. Consider what you liked about it, then think about how much of that was down to HIM, and how much could have been provided by any caring partner. Think about what you didn't like about him and the relationship...there's always something, start with him being nasty to you at the end, and leading you on by saying he'd reconsider things after a few months.

How was he with your friends and family, did his actions match his words, or did he make promises which never materialized?
Think about good times you had, and bad times.

Think about it all, write it all down to help you make sense of it.

Then you really need to try and work out why you were willing to stay around while he was trying to leave and treating you badly (this is not a criticism, I've been there in the past).
Is your self esteem low? Why?

Forget about finding someone else right now, and work on your self esteem, and being happy in your own skin.
You say you're not happy on your own, but it's not the job of someone else to make you happy. Build a good life for yourself, and meeting someone will be the icing on the cake.

the_pink_panther_2

bagpussbear wrote: »

pink panther - great minds think alike!

LOL:rotfl: When I read yours I thought you'd think I'd copied:o