Death of a family friend - advice needed

*max*

I wouldn't bring photographs, it's far too early. It probably hasn't sunk in yet, it doesn't feel real. Photographs would just be a reminder of "he's gone, all is left are photographs", if you see what I mean. It's way too early to try to bring back "happy memories". I'm very sorry for your friend and her son. Awful.

Kaz2904

I have to pick up on meritaten's post that the boy won't feel like laughing. Any grief counselling I have ever heard about points out that children react very differently to how adults expect them to and how adults themselves react. Laughter is normal for 7 year old boys as is mischief so a comic could be very apt.
A friend at work lost her husband of 20+ years recently, very suddenly with no warning. When she returned to work, I happened to be in early for my night shift and she was on break. I asked her how she was getting on and we had a chat. At one point when she was talking about the night he died, she was saying that the staff in the emergency department had told her everything but she hadn't taken it in. She went on to say that when her daughter arrived, she was at the desk talking to them and asking if he was going to be transferred to a neuro specialist hospital near us when one of the nurses said "name, do you understand?" And she suddenly realised and burst into tears.
The nurse grabbed her arm and took her off into the sluice (dirty area where rubbish and bedpans get cleaned) to chat with her while she was virtually hysterical. She was laughing which made me laugh, we were both laughing so hard that we cried because of the absurdity of being taken to the most grotty place in a hospital to be told terrible news. This was funny because we work there and that is our comfort zone and we would never take a dear friend and colleague into a public area like the relatives room to comfort them! So laughing can help at times.

Savvy_Sue

meritaten wrote: »

A comic? you really think the child will feel like laughing? the death of his father is a bit different to a spell in hospital!

No, I don't think the boy will feel like laughing right away, but not all children's comics are laugh out loud - you get Dr Who for example. And this boy's dad was in intensive care, unconscious, with multiple organ failure, and big questions over his future if he survived.

Plus as Kaz says, children may react differently, and it's not wrong to laugh.

It's just an idea. It's something (possibly) different and inexpensive - maybe he gets a comic every week and maybe he doesn't. There will be times when the lad wants something to distract himself, and times when Mum might want to suggest he should take a look at it while she ... talks to the vicar, goes and howls into her pillow, whatever.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

why does money (as per bringing a gift) have to replace moral support and being there for the family, or why does bringing something sensitive as per a photo that could have a negative affect to your intentions and make you feel youve been insenstive when its produce to him.

its not just the son here that you have to consider it mum too, hi your husbands just passed away but here theres a lovely photo of him dont you think?

NO no photo i would say untill widow has atleast gotten over the shock and initial cant stop crying at the look of his face on photo's round the house that she knows let alone spark a memory from a new photo and send her over the edge.

the child will be more resilliant, but again, i would not be pleased to have new photo of my father who has just passed away given to me at a time like this.

i know the OP is trying to be supportive, but honestly, moral and physical support can go further.

if my wife just died i would not let my kids out of my sight for one minute, i would want to be there for them and grieve as a family i would not accept someone coming over and asking to have them for a night, fair enough yes someone watch them for an hour or so - so i can let out what i need, not a chance for a sleep over unless it was grandma or grand pa and TBH i would rather mu mum and dad stay with us rather than go out to theirs.

plus child maybe feeling the same would probably be sticking to mum and helping mum as best he can and probably not want to leaver gfor long periods.

if you close enough and others have the arrangements in hand, then just be there.

YorkiePud_3

How terrible for them ... there just aren't words, are there ..

I would have thought a nice thing to do would be to offer to run any errands for her that need doing, enabling her to spend time at home with her son as they try to get through this together ...

Maybe ask if she needs any shopping getting ... or wants taking anywhere. There may be places she needs to go but doesn't feel like going alone ... if she doesn't feel she can ask for someone to go with her for moral support, she might appreciate you saying "if you need to go anywhere and want company, just shout out" ... you don't need to make a big thing of it but just so she knows you're there, whether she needs actual help or just a friend on the other end of the phone (so she doesn't feel crowded thinking people are going to descend on her) ... just knowing there's someone there, regardless of whether she asks your help or not, is reassuring.

Kaz2904

Weirdly enough, DH's dad passed away when DH was 8. He rarely talks about it but when he does, he says he remembers being taken to a (very close) family friends house in the night. He then got home from school and the entire family was there. His Mum is (was) one of seven and all of the Aunties AND his Uncle were there (only Christmas usually) so his instant reaction was "I'm in BIG TROUBLE!".
Practically I don't know what friends and neighbours did for his Mum but I know the school helped out with counselling because our neighbour (as it turns out) was at the same primary school as him and got loads of counselling help when her parents and very new baby sister had a near fatal car crash outside the school at about the same time.

DH has got on far better in life than his brother who was 10 years older. He is very much a "what will be, will be" person and is very laid back. He can be (to my mind) a bit non touchy feely and non cuddly but we all know he loves us from his actions. I won't ask him how he feels or felt when his Dad died though because our kids are young enough that they don't really understand death and have never lost anyone close so do ride roughshod over his feelings when we talk about "Granddad" forgetting that he was Dads' Dad. They've done an awful lot of that this week so I don't want to add to his hurt for a forum.

rozmister

My dad died when I was 12 from cancer and one of the main things I remember from the time is all the presents I got that I viewed as guilt presents. I know I sound like an ungrateful wretch because people were just trying to be nice but I remember understanding why everyone was suddenly really nice to me and I got lots of gifts and I didn't really appreciate any of it because I was so upset about my dad dying and wanted everything to be as normal as possible. I carried on going to school every day because I loved the normality and routine of the place!!

I do remember though that my Mum stopped cooking for about 7 months (because the first time she cooked again was when my stepdad came round for dinner the first time) and I think I would have really appreciated somebody bringing round a nice hotpot or some cakes or something and I think my Mum would have to because she was obviously too upset to cook for quite a while.

Savvy_Sue

YorkiePud wrote: »

I would have thought a nice thing to do would be to offer to run any errands for her that need doing, enabling her to spend time at home with her son as they try to get through this together ...

Maybe ask if she needs any shopping getting ... or wants taking anywhere. There may be places she needs to go but doesn't feel like going alone ... if she doesn't feel she can ask for someone to go with her for moral support, she might appreciate you saying "if you need to go anywhere and want company, just shout out" ... you don't need to make a big thing of it but just so she knows you're there, whether she needs actual help or just a friend on the other end of the phone (so she doesn't feel crowded thinking people are going to descend on her) ... just knowing there's someone there, regardless of whether she asks your help or not, is reassuring.

That seems like an excellent suggestion, I know when I registered my Dad's death I was very glad to have my adult DS1 with me, to help with navigating and to pass the tissues. If someone had been able to drive me to the hospital and registrars I'd have been very happy to accept. It isn't a job I'd have wanted to do on my own.

And likewise offering to pick up milk etc might be a great help, and gives an excuse to call in (not that one should be needed, but you know what I mean).

rozmister wrote: »

I do remember though that my Mum stopped cooking for about 7 months (because the first time she cooked again was when my stepdad came round for dinner the first time) and I think I would have really appreciated somebody bringing round a nice hotpot or some cakes or something and I think my Mum would have to because she was obviously too upset to cook for quite a while.

Another lovely idea.

aileth

rozmister wrote: »

My dad died when I was 12 from cancer and one of the main things I remember from the time is all the presents I got that I viewed as guilt presents. I know I sound like an ungrateful wretch because people were just trying to be nice but I remember understanding why everyone was suddenly really nice to me and I got lots of gifts and I didn't really appreciate any of it because I was so upset about my dad dying and wanted everything to be as normal as possible. I carried on going to school every day because I loved the normality and routine of the place!!

I do remember though that my Mum stopped cooking for about 7 months (because the first time she cooked again was when my stepdad came round for dinner the first time) and I think I would have really appreciated somebody bringing round a nice hotpot or some cakes or something and I think my Mum would have to because she was obviously too upset to cook for quite a while.

I agree with this. A friend of mine's dad died when we were in the last year of primary school and I remember him saying how he felt that people were giving him more attention and actually talking to him now his dad had died and how that made him feel worse, like people only cared for him because something tragic happened, and the teachers actually told pupils that knew him that he wanted to carry on like normal, like nothing had happened.

I remember him coming to the school gates after the funeral to see his friends (he lived opposite the school) and a huge crowd gathered around him and I can vividly recollect his face and how he couldn't escape quickly enough.

The hotpots are brilliant ideas, cook a batch up and put it in some tupperware to freeze.

Brewstersmum

my dad died when I was 7 of a long illness. I remember lots of his friends coming round with dolls, but mainly I remember thinking who are all these people and why are they coming round!
unless you are a close friend who visited often prior to the death I would suggest maybe staying away as it gets so confusing for a child and also for the widow. my mum would get frustrated that people kept coming and she felt that she had to keep tidying the house.....
if you do pop round just take food and cakes etc.

the idea of a memory box is lovely though, I would love to know who my dad really was. none of his friends kept touch and 20 odd years later its all a distant memory. I would of loved to have something like that.