Death of a family friend - advice needed

ganderson1804

Hello, not sure if I'm posting this in the right place. Sorry if not.

Not a money related question, more general than that.

A very close friend of my husbands died very suddenly on Thursday night/Friday morning. He was 26 years old and has a wife and a 7 year old son.

My husband is going to see his wife today and we've got a card and flowers for her. My question is should be take anything for their wee boy? I didn't want to do something that's inappropriate.

Any thoughts? Thanks so much x

Alikay

I probably wouldn't take a gift as such, but I'm sure an offer to take him to the cinema or a local park or attraction for a couple of hours would be appreciated, particularly if you've also got children.

ska_lover

I think Alikay seems about right

lika_86

I wouldn't take a toy but I would consider the following:

- (depending on your relationship to the family) offering to take him for some time, particularly if they don't want him to attend the funeral/cremation service, I imagine most family who would normally look after a child in those circumstances would be attending.

- buy a scrapbook type book for him to record memories, drawings etc of his dad, these things fade over time and at 7 years old they are likely to fade

- writing something down about all the memories you have of his dad and who he was as a person. Think about whether you have any photos the family won't have (he may not appreciate this now but when he's older he may want to know who his dad was as someone other than 'daddy').

My dad died when I was 7 and for my 21st birthday my mum's friend gave me a photo frame with pictures taken at my mum's 21st birthday including photos of my mum, dad and nan and grandad. It was so thoughtful.

I'm sure any assistance you offer will be appreciated.

thorsoak

If you have a photograph of your friend - maybe one that the child won't have seen - then make a copy and take that along for the little boy.

kezzygirl

If you have a photograph of your friend - maybe one that the child won't have seen - then make a copy and take that along for the little boy.

I wouldn't-it would probably make the boy cry harder.too early to bring photos!

lika_86

kezzygirl wrote: »

I wouldn't-it would probably make the boy cry harder.too early to bring photos!

It's only a few days on and so everyone will have it very much at the forefront of their minds right now and nothing will be normal, crying is normal and to be expected, not something to be discouraged or to distract the boy from doing. Talking to him about how special his dad was, showing him a picture and telling a funny story would, I think, depending on the child and relationship with them be fine, saying that it's ok to be upset about it because their dad was very special but that everything will be ok and that they would never forget him. Grief is normal and children should normally be encouraged to ask questions.

Better to do it now when it's all fresh than to bring it up later on a day when the boy could have been expected to not necessarily have it brought up.

I would of course be wary of saying anything out of line with what the boy will have been told, ie. don't mention heaven or anything unless that's the line that his family have taken.

thorsoak

When my OH died, my grandchildren, then aged 13, 12, 10, 7 & 4 loved looking at old photos of their granpop - and hearing stories of when and where the photos were taken. And I'm talking about immediately after - less than a week, so it was very fresh in everyone's minds.

That's when I suggested it. Of course there were lots of tears - but lots of smiles too.

maman

I'd just stress that you're there to offer any help she needs. And maybe make a few of the suggestions on here (babysitting etc.). It could be she wants the boy close to her now, especially as children help keep things 'normal'. What matters is that you follow this through and are there for them in weeks and months to come.

Savvy_Sue

I'd take a comic for the boy.

Flowers for the wife: ready arranged if possible rather than something else for her to do.

(Not long ago, a friend's DH was in hospital and I bought a Simpsons comic for their son, it had an inflatable mallet as a free gift which I understand has been well used for letting out emotion ...)

meritaten

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'd take a comic for the boy.

Flowers for the wife: ready arranged if possible rather than something else for her to do.

(Not long ago, a friend's DH was in hospital and I bought a Simpsons comic for their son, it had an inflatable mallet as a free gift which I understand has been well used for letting out emotion ...)

A comic? you really think the child will feel like laughing? the death of his father is a bit different to a spell in hospital!

I much prefer Thorsoaks photo of his dad - something special he can keep for his own which features his daddy.