How can I bring closure to an unfinished 'relationship'?

paulineb_2

I think he likes to play games basically, he wasnt initially interested then he became interested when he was married, then he flirted with you for a year, cooled it, his wife died and he met someone else who he might or might not still be with

I bet he loves knowing how you feel about him

What would you do if he wanted to start a relationship with you?

shoppaholic_returns

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

So this is a man who was married to a very ill woman (who since died) and was wanting to have an affair with you?

I think you are lucky never to have been involved with him.

I absolutely agree with this post, TBH he doesn't sound a particularly nice bloke.

However you can't help who you fall for.

Have messaged you xx

angelil

paulineb wrote: »

What would you do if he wanted to start a relationship with you?

I'd like to think I'd hold my original line (I am married, therefore promised to not do this, therefore will not). However, this is part of the reason I've posted here today: I want to gain closure on my feelings (misplaced or whatever they are) before this becomes a possibility/he ever has a chance to ask me this question.

paulineb_2

The possibility is, you might never get closure but in the event of him starting a relationship with you or wanting to, you'd still need to say no

For your own sake, cant see it ending in anything but tears, yours I would imagine

He had his chance but didnt take it.

angelil

I see why you have commented as you have, marisco.

The thing is, I normally do not feel this way. This intense feeling of unfairness and desire for closure has literally only started up in the past two or three days - hence my wanting to nip it in the bud ASAP.

As I said in my original post (as I suspected this might come up): contrary to how it may appear, I do love my husband, am happy with him, and do not wish to end the relationship. Equally, I know how reprehensible it is to have one's cake and eat it too - again a reason for posting here to try to kick myself into touch.

System

I second what Pauline says about there sometimes being no closure to things. We expect to be able to wrap things up in neat little boxes like a film or a book, but sometimes we can't.

Very wise words.

marisco_2

Not sure what happened to my other post, lol. How well do you really know this other guy OP? You say you have been like ships passing in the night. That is no grounding to base what being in a relationship with him would really be like. Others have picked up on how he wanted to have an affair with you when his wife was sick. Those are not the morals or actions of a man I would have an infatuation about. As you are well aware you cant have your cake and eat it. Whilst you have these feelings and don't bury them there is the risk that you may act on them. Would it really be worth risking all you have with a husband you proclaim to love for him.

paulineb_2

Sometimes we need a big smack on the head with a virtual hammer to knock sense into us and realise that the people who we are pining for, arent pining for us. Harsh, but thats the way it is.

Chalk him up to history and move on.

angelil

I don't know what happened to your other post either marisco

I think we don't share as much of our personal lives as we used to, so you could argue we know each other 'less' well now. However, it was pretty full-on before, so to say we share less now is not exactly difficult. Saying this, though, I refer back to my previous comment re: conversations today being mostly professional with the occasional nostalgic comment being thrown in (sometimes by him, sometimes by me). I don't know how well people would class us as knowing each other on that basis. We have talked so much over the years and I like to think I'm a pretty good gift-chooser based on people's interests But whether that constitutes knowing someone well...who can say? Some would say that you don't know someone well until you've lived together and slept together. And then some would say that even then you can still get it wrong....

This is the thing as well. I don't want to risk my relationship with my husband on this other guy. I love him and don't want to leave him. Hence why I'm here trying to find a way to get over myself.

edit: Also trying to work out why else I might be feeling this way RIGHT NOW. I did mention that this feeling had only come on over the past 2-3 days. It may at least provide more context to know that my husband often works away (he is away most weeks even if only for 1-2 nights), but having been in an LDR for so long before living together/getting married I'm not sure how far I'm just making excuses. I'm therefore often alone in the evenings and naturally this leads to the mind wandering. Even when he is there we don't do romantic things anymore (e.g. romantic meals out, movie nights...) and we are also a little bit at loggerheads (although not in a major blazing row kind of way) over when to have a baby (I'd like to get going sooner, he wants to wait). We also stayed with my parents for 10 days this summer and we've got another 4 nights left of a 10-night stay with his parents. My husband has been spurning my advances during these stays away, which obviously doesn't make for a particularly romantic setting So I'm hoping that as these situations pass, this will too - but equally I'm aware that the root causes need addressing.

marisco_2

It sounds like you are going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment. Try sitting down and talking things through with your husband. Work on bringing a bit of romance back into your marriage. Build in some real quality time together around your schedules. It is so important not to get stuck in a mundane rut and take each other for granted. Getting things properly back on track with him will probably help distinguish all these feelings you are currently experiencing. I wouldn't even consider thinking of having a baby yet. Give yourselves some time and space to just enjoy being together. How you feel after attempting this will tell you what you really want from your future.