How can I bring closure to an unfinished 'relationship'?

angelil

I have Googled like crazy this afternoon and cannot find anything to match my predicament. I hope that people here will have practical suggestions that don't involve me doing anything I'll regret.

Ten years ago, I got a massive crush on a man I know. I fancied him but he didn't feel the same way (or at least if he did, he hid it very well). Nine years ago, he kept in touch with me after I moved away despite all advice to the contrary. He was married and others considered that he would be getting in too deep by remaining in contact with me. Eight years ago, he revealed that he did in fact fancy me and wanted to start a relationship. This was torturous as I had by then met somebody else (the man who is now my husband).

Despite my having met somebody else, we flirted like crazy for the next year or so. He then cooled it off as he was still married and I was also in a relationship. About six years ago, he stopped wearing his wedding ring, and told me that he and his wife were separating even though she was very ill and had been for some time. We were still seeing each other 'as friends' but even though we never kissed, slept together or anything there was always a magnetism between us that felt like something more. He tried to come on to me more than once. I said no each time, but only out of moral duty to my now-husband (i.e. not because I wouldn't have enjoyed it!). My relationship was long-distance and so I was often alone. He would drive over to see me when he was in the area. He took me on a couple of daytime 'dates' to restaurants. We'd go for walks and have tea together at my place. Just 'normal' things that would solidify any friendship or relationship.

His wife sadly died at around that time. I don't know if they ever legally separated, but I do know that after she died and I moved overseas (five years ago) he did embark on a relationship with someone else. I don't know how serious this was/is as he has never told me and I don't know if they are even still together today.

We have still been in touch on a personal/professional level (we are in the same line of work, more or less) ever since I moved overseas, but this is mostly by email as I don't visit the UK alone that much and would never arrange to visit him when visiting the UK with my husband. I have now not seen him in person for three years, so am well aware of how ridiculous this entire post sounds.

I don't know how well I am explaining any of this, but I miss the extreme closeness that we once had and sometimes feel sad that the relationship we 'ought' to have had never happened because we were just like ships in the night with our feelings for each other. For a long time before meeting him I suffered with extremely low self-esteem (things have improved a little over the past ten years, as you'd expect with what the years add in terms of maturity, marriage, leaving home etc...but I still wouldn't say I have the highest level of confidence in the world), and he was the first person who ever made me feel powerful and good about myself. I therefore feel that this tapering out of our relationship is almost unfair (even if it's 'natural') and have been tortured over the past few days about how I can achieve closure. It's clear that I can't go on thinking about him like this (and by this I include some extremely intense sexual dreams/fantasies) and wishing that we could have had a relationship (or even that we could pick up where we left off). Especially as despite what others may think by reading this I am actually very happy with my husband!! I therefore need practical, sensible suggestions as to how I can achieve closure for what I would consider an 'unfinished' relationship.

I know this has turned out to be really long and thank anyone who's got this far. I just felt I needed to explain all the background to give people the best chance of helping me out, rather than releasing info in dribs and drabs. Thanks in advance

paulineb_2

Sometimes you cant get closure, you need to accept that what might have been with someone is just that.

Also, youve never been in a relationship with this man, youve obviously put him on some kind of pedastal. You could have dated and it might have lasted 3 weeks.

Its the rose tinted specs of what could have been that are clouding your ability to see clearly

1. Stop the contact
2 Get some counselling for your esteem issues if you think it might help

Also, was he wanting to start a relationship with you when he was married?

If so, you are well shot of him, you could have married him and he might have ended up cheating on you

angelil

Yes, he was wanting to start a relationship with me when he was married.

We are not in contact that regularly (maybe once a month or less). Conversations now tend to start about work and stay mainly on this theme with the occasional nostalgic comment from both sides.

I know that everything I have written down sounds really dumb and irrational. Unfortunately there is no free counselling available in my area and I don't think I could have counselling anyway without my husband knowing.

FBaby

I think you need to somehow convinced yourself that you haven't missed on the perfect loved story with this man by not taking things forward. The reality is that there is chance that you did, but there is an even greater chance that the relationship could have turned in anyway that would have not made it any better or much worse than what you have with your husband. Yes, you had a connection and all that, but that doesn't mean that it would have turned into anything you are fantasizing about.

If you can start believing that, then maybe you can reach the stage of always wondering what could have been, but not feeling any longer that you've missed out by taking a different route which lead you to your husband.

paulineb_2

No, not dumb and irrational. I still struggle with a relationship that ended 25 years ago and the behaviour of the person who ended it, because his actions caused fallout in my life for a long time.

But Ive had to accept that thats the way it is. Sometimes we dont get the neat boxed off happy ending with some people.

If you cant get closure, cease the contact or at the very least stop commenting on what might have been

You are married, you deserve better and so does your husband. Also dare I say it, this man had his chance, you could have got together when you were single, he only wanted you when you were both married.

cakeforbrains

I second what Pauline says about there sometimes being no closure to things. We expect to be able to wrap things up in neat little boxes like a film or a book, but sometimes we can't.

You say you miss the 'extreme closeness' you had. That would imply that you don't have this kind of closeness with your husband? Would that be something that deserves more thought?

Prothet_of_Doom

Easy. Stop.

angelil

I am close to my husband, of course. But it is a very different kind of closeness - and by different I don't mean better/worse, just that it is a genuinely alternative type of closeness. I have also known this man for longer than my husband and naturally this means I was also younger/more impressionable when I first got to know him, which may have made the impact even stronger. I'd just say that I have (had) completely different relationships with each of them.

Ms_Chocaholic

So this is a man who was married to a very ill woman (who since died) and was wanting to have an affair with you?

I think you are lucky never to have been involved with him.

pinkshoes

The man sounds like an ar*e hole! Is that good enough for you to forget him?!?

What sort of low life scum bag goes chasing other women whilst his wife is sick?! Bet she knew nothing about you!

Just forget him, don't contact him, delete his emails without reading them, remove him from Facebook, linked in etc... and eventually you won't think about him any more.

neon_dannii

I feel sorry for your husband