Potential Arguement over Money...

Kulafey

I don't understand why your fiance hasn't stepped in and spoken to his parents.
It is traditional for the bride's parents to pick up the bill, but that also gave them the right to decide on the guest list and they would also formally "invite" the grooms family, but the thought of the bride's family having 30 guests while the grooms family wants to invite 100 is ridiculous.
Tell your fiance to grow a pair of balls and inform his parents they the total number of guests from their side is 30. If they want more than that they they will have to pick up the bill for the reception.
In your shoes I'd elope and to hell with them all!:D

LEJC

moomin...do you actually get on with your in laws or not?

I appreciate its a direct question and one you may not want to answer publicly...but I wonder whether some of your flustration is coming from the fact that you dont really get on with them....and aside from the fact that you're marrying their son so porentially they should be there, you might prefer it that the rest of the family stayed away.

Moomin21

Thanks for all the replies everyone, some are a bit harsh but I guess I need a kick up the bum!!

Just to clarify, i didnt expect my parents to pay for anything, we planned the wedding based on what they had offered...if they hadn't have given us anything I wouldn't mind at all, but they offered and we planned accordingly...should have just refused their contribution but its all booked now so I can't really change it. I also should have mntioned that the in laws offered us some money and then retracted it after we had booked everything! again, i don't mind if people dont want to help but i think its a bit harsh to do that really - would understand if it had been because of job loss etc but no change to their (very confortable) financial situation. My parents aren't that keen on them either because they've upset me so much over the past few months.

I think it runs beyond the wedding though definately...I do have aproblem with them because they have 3 children and treat them all very differently in terms of financial contributions to things...they gave their daughter loads of money towards a house deposit but nothing to my OH...again, I don't expect anything, and I don't have children, but I really can't understand why you would treat your children that differently?! I think that is what is bothering me more to be honest!!

I think I also need to speak to OH as he doesn't stand up to his parents at all, and when I've asked his to speak to them when they have upset me he hasn't done anything...guess there is a lack of balls on both our parts really!!

I'm not sure what I can do now except try and save as much as possible so I can ease my guilt a bit on my parents paying for it, and work on OH to speak to his parents I think!!

notanewuser

Oh moomin, I have similar issues with DH's parents. They do absolutely fook all for us while bending over backwards for his 3 younger brothers and their families. I think they might ring DH once every 2 months (if he's lucky). Luckily they are far enough away that I no longer let it get to me.

When we wed we footed the bill. Due to DH's family being about 5 times bigger than mine he agreed to only invite immediate family plus aunties and uncles, while I invited cousins etc to "pad out" my side a bit!! DH's parents didn't like that, but as they weren't paying they didn't get a say. FIL even refused to read a reading at the wedding because as the father of boys he didn't think he had to do anything. So we didn't have readings.

When DD was born, FIL refused to come and visit if they couldn't stay with us. After a difficult birth there was no way I could have them here expecting waiting on hand and foot, and they could easily have stayed at the premier inn a mile down the road. But no, he refused to pay, and wouldn't let us pay. I'll never forgive them for that.

If they were closer/a bigger impact on our lives we'd have it out with them. How soon is the wedding? In your position I'd be limiting guest numbers and doing what you two want, whatever that is.

LEJC

Moomin21 wrote: »

I think I also need to speak to OH as he doesn't stand up to his parents at all, and when I've asked his to speak to them when they have upset me he hasn't done anything...guess there is a lack of balls on both our parts really!!

He doesn't probably stand up to his parents because thats what they are...his parents and he's accepted the way they are....he doesnt want to rock the boat with them any more than you would want to rock the boat with your parents if the situation was turned.

I said it in my earier post and I still think the same...you need to just accept that they have different views than you and your family...

Please dont take it out on your bloke...he cant help his family but they are perhaps as important in his life as you are and actually he doesnt want to take sides...

The way forward is up to you and him,but these people will be in your life for a long time to come and the situation will only magnify as the resentment grows....

I think its a good idea to start saving for the wedding...that way you are demonstrating that its not just your parents resbonsibility to pay for it.
Perhaps you could also give your MIL some other tasks that are not necessarily monetry based to concentate on to demonstrate to her that whilst shes not financilly aiding the wedding her input is still required....ie when the invites are sent you could give her the batch for their side of the family and ask her to distribute them round that way its also a subtle reminder of how many they are inviting...im sure there are lots of ways to use her time towards the wedding!

floss2

sulphate wrote: »

... Come on, most people if they had rich parents would feel a bit slighted if they didn't contribute anything. Especially if said parents had a pricey wedding largely funded by their own parents....

Things were very different a generation ago...my first wedding was paid for by my parents, while my second (26 years later) was paid for entirely by myself & my husband.

ognum wrote: »

The parents you are talking about may well have already contributed to helping their children while at uni, helping with buying a car and also large chunks of cash helping to buy a home for their offspring.

I would happily pay for those three with an understanding that they pay for the wedding!

I totally agree with this.

Kulafey wrote: »

...It is traditional for the bride's parents to pick up the bill...

Traditional yes, but I would say it is more common now for the bride & groom to pay for some if not all of their wedding nowadays.

GlamGirlie

Moomin21 wrote: »

However, the more I think about it the more angry I am that they havent offered any money, especially coz i'm inviting about 30 people, and about 100 are coming from their side. it makes me not want to have a wedding because I feel so guilty that my parents are paying so much money for, basically, their family to have a meal. also, the whole wedding is about what they want and none of it is what i want so i feel even more guilty that my parents are paying for something I didnt even want!!

Am I ok to be mad?! Should I say something?!

Thanks xx

OK, this may sound harsh, but I'm afraid it's the truth.

1) You can't expect ANYONE (even your own parents) to pay for or contribute to your wedding. It's your choice to wed, so you should foot the bill.

2) If it isn't what you want, why are you having it? It's your only wedding day, so it should be what you & your fiance want, nothing else. If you feel obliged, because someone else is paying, then politekly refuse their contribution and do it your way, paying for it yourself.

3) If everyone is coming from 'their' side it is only because YOU have invited them - invite who you want to invite, not anyone simply because you have to.

4) You can't be mad because someone isn't offering to pay for something you have instigated.

FBaby

How old are you? Is it your fiance first marriage?

I am assuming you are still very young that you would have your parents pay for the wedding and you being upset because your in laws supposedly give more money to one of their child then the others. In the end, however young, you and your OH are adults and expected to support yourself financially. There might be reasons why they wanted to support their daughter that you are oblivious to. Maybe they didn't give her the money but loaned it. Families often assume they know everything about what is going on, but most of the time they don't. Your OH doesn't seem bothered by it because he rightly doesn't expect anything from them and neither should you. You certainly shouldn't say anything, it has nothing to do with you.

Like others though, I don't understand why they are inviting people that wouldn't be on your list. Have they officially been invited already? If not, I would put a stop to that immediately. It is your wedding, you invite who you want. If your parents are happy to help, that's great, but that shouldn't come with an expectation from yourself or them that the in-laws should do the same.

lilmissworry

I personally think that if a couple choose to get married then they should pay for it.

I'm also glad my fiance and i are going to Zante with just our two daughters and having a very low key wedding...couldn't be doing with a big wedding with people falling out,which often happens with weddings!

jemb

Some people are being a little harsh. The OP has made clear that her parents wanted to pay, not that her and OH expected them to pay. It's a little rude of the OH's parents to retract their offer of help too.

Just wanted to pop in and say I feel for you x