Potential Arguement over Money...

Moomin21

Having many sleepless nights over this so felt I needed some advice!

My parents have agreed to pay for the majority of the wedding (we are paying for the dresses and suits) which is very kind of them indeed. They would prefer if the inlaws contributed but they don't want an arguement of any kind, and dont particularly want to talk to my in laws because they don't like them that much and don't like confrontation. so they said they would pay for it.

However, the more I think about it the more angry I am that they havent offered any money, especially coz i'm inviting about 30 people, and about 100 are coming from their side. it makes me not want to have a wedding because I feel so guilty that my parents are paying so much money for, basically, their family to have a meal. also, the whole wedding is about what they want and none of it is what i want so i feel even more guilty that my parents are paying for something I didnt even want!!

Am I ok to be mad?! Should I say something?!

Thanks xx

MrsHappy85

I can understand why you would feel a bit cross but to be honest its your wedding, not your in laws, so really its down to you to pay for it. You shouldnt really expect a contribution from them and equally, they shouldnt dictate to you your guest list.

If the cost is too much for your parents to bare, perhaps you could explain this to your inlaws and tell them your parents cant afford to pay for so many guests on their side and see what they say.

Otherwise, if you are able, you could share some of the costs with your parents, to ease the financial burden on them.

Best of luck.

Stephb1986_2

I see where your coming from me and OH are paying for the majority of our wedding my parents are helping with my make up etc and giving us £500 towards the wedding too. My OH's family haven't offered us anything even though the majority of the guests are my OH's family as neither of my parents get on with their family.

I don't think you should say anything it can make things really uncomfortable. Just wait and see what happens I know it's hard but don't let it come between you and your OH.

Steph x

Faith177

Me and OH paid for pretty much everything for our day.

My mum paid for our cake, the piper, my hair and make up and our favours.

OH's mum paid for nothing! She even wanted us to pay for her travel and accomodation not just for her but her partner and OH's two brothers totalling over £1000.

She spent the WHOLE night sat on the table with her lot and didn't speak to any of my family despite them trying. She then moaned to OH that MY side of the family had been rude. I was fuming

She started to make demands at the start but I just ignored her. She wanted us to have a free bar so I just put my foot down and said no. She wasn't happy but if she wanted it that badly she could pay for it.

I suggest just asking them if there is anything they would like to help with maybe not necessarily money if they cant do this but maybe they would like to help with something else. I also tried this with my MIL and didn't even get a reply

LEJC

Its a really difficult situation...but one you are going to have to let go of your resentment over...

These people who are your in laws will be part of your family once you are married,and ultimately they are the relations of the man you love....and the grandparents of your potential children

Its difficult I know but you need to maintain relations with them and not judge them for what they do and do not offer to pay for towards your wedding..Ive been in your situation and I have the inlaws still to prove it....and honestly if you dont nip it in the bud now your resentment will continue to grow as you progress through your married life.

I really wouldnt go down the route of an argument,where does your OH put himself...on one hand theres his family,and I expect hes all too well aware of their faults...and on the other hand theres you his future wife...he cant win!...but by pointing outthe situation its bound to make him feel uncomfortable despite what he may say.

You have to remember the wedding is only the start of your association with the in laws not the end.
My parents paid for the majority of our wedding,probably mainly due to the fact that 20 years ago thats what you did...but they were also mindful that we were saving for a deposit etc so were happy to extend whatever help they could....I remember having a similar conversation with my mum over items that were going to be funded by the inlaws and rather embarrassingly I remember mentioning that there was no help and that actually my OH was still contributing financially to "rent his bedroom"...something that really grated with my mum....I do conceed that times are much different now and the level of financial contribution is much less of a certainty,although it sounds to me as if your parents may be slightly traditional with their view to your wedding or at least trying to help with the costs

my parents met my inlaws only once before the wedding and in 20 years since theyve only been together on a handful of occaisions,different people with diffrent personalities and just because you get on with their son it doesnt always follow that you will be able to make both families life long friends....I guess if I were to put it crudely then my parents were givers and his parents accepting of the hospitality offered!

Accept them for what they are,and acknowledge that they have a different outlook to you on things otherwise as the years go on you'll only find that they start to irritate you more!!!!!!

Just as an edit..my mum recently passed away and my mother in laws response was by text to my husband saying "tell xxxxx we've sorry to hear the news"...its never been mentioned since...I kind of expected a little more than that but theres little point in making something of it ...the only person I would upset would be my husband and his feelings mean far more to me than the lack of feeling his mother displayed.

Sazzarella

Personally I think that if you can't afford a big wedding then don't have one. If anyone wants to give you money then that's a bonus but no one should be forced into helping you pay for the wedding.

My parents have no money to help us with although I know if they had any money then would give us something. OHs parents are giving us £1000 and I even told them they didn't have to do that but they said they would be offended if we didn't take it so we have.

However I have put my foot down on inviting every member of extended family because we just can't afford to feed them all.

Katy84

I understand how you're feeling - my in-laws haven't paid one penny towards our wedding either, or contributed anything to be fair! I don't feel as annoyed as you do though because they haven't made any demands or invited any extra guests but it still would've been nice for them to ask if we're managing ok. Just grates that they're not expected to do anything for their son's wedding.
My parents have contributed about half but we never asked or expected anything from anyone - my mother is just very stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer!

sarah69696pink

I personally wouldn't say anything - our inlaws have also done nothing to help (financially or otherwise) they have made no effort to be nice about anything to do with the wedding and have moaned about anything we have arranged in terms of how it impacts upon them. My parents are paying for lots of the wedding as our me and my fiance. I've been very clear but polite with inlaws when they have tried making us invite people they want there, so although they are doing nothing to help, I would not say anything as I am having the wedding I want.

McKneff

We just gave our daughter a certain amount, her new husband parents gave them something, they added both amounts together and worked on that, anything over that they paid for themselves.

Ive no idea how much the inlaws contributed, it doesn't matter. If your bothered and you don't want to say anything get your other half to ask his parents if they would like to contribute. They may not be able to afford to, but you need to bury your resentment. Have the wedding you can afford. Have the invitations gone out yet. If not, send invitations to who you and OH wants there, no one else.

Kayalana99

I think its horrible to expect someone to pay for your wedding - fair enough for them to offer but to actally get upset because they arent contributing?

As for the in laws wanting this and that for your wedding you simply put your foot down and say no...its your wedding. Just because they say you should do something doesn't mean you have to (I bet if you were paying for it and couldn't afford more then 60 guests you would be!)

They might be a pain and want things a certain way - that doesn't mean they shoud be paying for it.

aliasojo

Moomin21 wrote: »

..... also, the whole wedding is about what they want and none of it is what i want

That's the only bit you should be miffed about imo. And whose fault is it that things are not as you want? Yours and your fiance's who have obviously either agreed to things or simply not had the guts to say no. You either have to take control of your own wedding or 'put up and shut up' as the saying goes.

As for the money aspect, just because your parents have offered to shell out doesn't mean anyone else is obligated to do so too.

Most couples pay for their own wedding these days.