dilemma

tutington_2

Single since October, after long term relationship (8 years). Got an account on okcupid.com, not looking for a long term now... Just can't switch to that, too soon. Met a nice guy several months ago, had several dates, all good until he started saying I'm falling for you and let's move in together. Had to let go of him.

Last month met another guy made it clear I wasn't ready for long term stuff. Since last week he managed to invite me to meet his parents, wants me to go with him to his sister's wedding, wants me to meet his son and him to meet my daughter (both junior school age) and 'sorry but I'm falling for you'. So tonight I pushed back and offered to stay friends (and more) - he's not interested. Accused me of being shallow... So that's that.

I must be doing something wrong... I thought it was much easier to find a 'friend with privileges'? I don't go out much as I'm a single mum, don't fancy getting involved with work mates, so I thought online was a good choice.

Many thanks for any advice/thoughts on the subject.


Ps. There was another guy but he conveniently neglected to mention he was married, up until the 2nd date.

Dunroamin

Why not just be happy with yor own company if you don't want a relationship?

paulineb_2

If you arent looking for long term you might struggle, because whats the alternative? Casual?

I dont mean that you need to date someone with the view that its going to get very serious but just because you arent ready doesnt mean the people you meet wont be.

And dare I say its been 9 months since your last relationship ended, sometimes the Im not ready for a long term relationship is simple fear about being hurt again, keeping people at arms length is self protection pure and simple.

tutington_2

@paulineb: the alternative would be what's called a no strings attached relationship or a !!!! friend... I'm not into changing partners/sleeping around. I seem to be triggering more though, without wanting it.

And yes, it might be self protection and wounds that's why I don't want more now, I need time to heal.

julie2710

Don't have any real advice. Not sure what to say if your profile says that you don't want a long term relationship and you make that clear then there's not much more you can do.

I've been single for nearly 5 years and tried online dating but despite saying I was looking for a relationship I only ever seemed to meet guys who thought that buying me a Bacardi and coke entitled them to a free night :eek:

I gave up even looking some time ago as like you I'm a single mum and don't get out much so decided to use my time with friends instead

BitterAndTwisted

Actually, I don't think you're doing anything wrong if you've been honest and direct about what you're looking for. I suggest you carry on exactly like that.

Those two fellas sound scarily clingy and coming-on-too-strong. I'd have run a mile, too.

paulineb_2

Internet dating can be a minefield at the best of times, the kid in the sweet shop issue, you know, if something doesnt work out, people can move on at the click of a button and I do know people who have met people on dating sites and are happy.

But I do agree that maybe you need to stay single for a while, get out and meet people other ways if you can and take things very slowly with people you meet online.

I met someone online last year and we were friends for quite some time before starting to date but what I didnt know and only found out later was that he was actively online and looking for other people during the entire time he was seeing me. That doesnt mean everyone is going to be like that or people are all going to come on strong.

But there are a lot of lonely people out there who want and need company and will latch onto someone, anyone.

I had a message from someone on one site who, having never spoken to me, wanted to pick me up from my house that night and take me to dinner. I also used to get the cut and paste messages that were obviously so cut and paste and sent to lots of people, complete with mobile number.

Sometimes people are really hasty and want to get into another relationship for all the wrong reasons and because of that, when they do meet someone they like, they'll start coming on way too strong.

tutington_2

@julie: let's switch yes I can see myself wanting more in a couple of years.
@bitter: my profile doesn't say much (I had to remove that part because I was inundated with photos of various bodily parts) but I told them face to face.

julie2710

Oh god the body part photos!!

One of my friends and I discussed starting a site Plenty of knobs! We thought it would cut out the middle man (so to speak) and save guys wasting time and energy sending pointless conversations and profiles and they could just put up pictures. Why do they do it? My friends always share any pics they receive and they are only ever met with hysterical laughter :rotfl::D

Lagoon

tutington wrote: »

@paulineb: the alternative would be what's called a no strings attached relationship or a !!!! friend... I'm not into changing partners/sleeping around. I seem to be triggering more though, without wanting it.

And yes, it might be self protection and wounds that's why I don't want more now, I need time to heal.

You seem to want something that doesn't exactly exist.

You want an exclusive relationship (no sleeping around) without the 'exclusive relationship'?

If you're not doing the sleeping around but this isn't a relationship, then you obviously expect the other person to be sleeping around and just returning to you often for a bit of fun in amongst sleeping with other people. Is that really want you want?

On another note how do you expect to hide this from your children? Is it fair on them, if you can't?

tutington_2

@Lagoon: surely there must be someone out there who is looking for something similar? A man who's not necessarily 'sleeping around' and is happy to have one sexual partner, with no commitment. Someone perhaps in the same boat, out of a long term.


Ps. My child is completely kept out of it.