Why don't I know them?

WeAreGhosts

I was at a funeral recently and overheard my cousins saying "hello aunty so-and-so" ect. I didn't even know who this woman was and had certainly never met her before.

It made me wonder why I feel so cut off from the rest of the family - grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

I'm the youngest of my cousins (on one side of the family) and they've always been taken for days out/holidays/sleepovers by our grandparents.
I never have.
Ever.
Never even slept over at my grandparents even though they live about 30 mins away.

It's affecting me more these days that it ever has. Probably cos I'm old enough to see it now.

I want to cut of my grandmother completely because she has never cared about me, never done anything for me, never even babysat me for a night etc.
I feel guilty even before I've done it though

Spendless

A rift between that side of the family and your parent(s)? Have you asked your Mum and Dad if they are still around?

WeAreGhosts

My gran didn't really like my mum at first but they've got over that and it's never really been an issue. My gran was never very caring towards my mum (like a second mother kinda thing), but she's not very caring towards anyone!
My parents have done a lot for my grandparents over the years and they are as mystified as me as to why i get completely left out.

Blackpool_Saver

Can so relate to all this :-(

WeAreGhosts

The thing that's really peeing me off at the moment is I see my gran a few times a month, sometimes less, and I get sarky comments from her like 'I'd forgotten what you looked like'.
I have to bite my tongue every time. even when i am at her house she never really has a conversation with me and goes on about what my cousins are up to and how wonderful they are.

And for some reason i have to forgive her because 'she's old'. She wasnt always old.

Spendless

Are your cousins from your grandmothers daughter? Often grandparents are closer to their daughter's children more than their son's. (am not saying this is acceptable just that it happens). Are you an adult Weareghosts? Past the age where you'd go for sleepovers now, otherwise could you ask about staying directly if that's something you'd like to do?

WeAreGhosts

Spendless wrote: »

Are your cousins from your grandmothers daughter? Often grandparents are closer to their daughter's children more than their son's. (am not saying this is acceptable just that it happens). Are you an adult Weareghosts? Past the age where you'd go for sleepovers now, otherwise could you ask about staying directly if that's something you'd like to do?

Yes, they are! Hadnt thought of that. Maybe that's it then? I am also 'another girl'. They wanted me to be a boy (and this has been said by a great aunt in front of me).
Im past the age for sleepovers. my cousins, however, were still being taken on holidays when they were well into their 20s.

Torry_Quine

Presuming you are now an adult then there is nothing stopping you making contact with your cousins.

WeAreGhosts

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Presuming you are now an adult then there is nothing stopping you making contact with your cousins.

I've tried, but i'm ignored most of the time. they have their own families so they are busy. i invite them to gigs and stuff - we do like the same music - but they dont reply or they dont want to go. having said that though i found out one of them went to a festival with her mates, knowing i was there too, but she had told me she didnt want to go.

LondonDiva

WeAreGhosts wrote: »

I want to cut of my grandmother completely because she has never cared about me, never done anything for me, never even babysat me for a night etc.

So caring for you would have equated to babysitting you etc - are these your concerns about how they show they care or your mother's?

My mum has never babysat her grandchildren and probably never will outside a dire emergency. She enjoys spending time with them when they are brought to her / she visits them but does not see her role as being cheap childcare. I on the other hand love, love, love spending time with them but know I've caused some consternation by saying no when work or life has been too fraught and I can't face the thought of coping with a 12month old and a 5 year old on a day off.

Now you're an adult, what steps have you taken to build a relationship that's moved on from the resentments of the past? Postcards, letters, emails, facebook? If she does say that she's forgotten what you look like is that a way of her trying to convey she wants to see you more often? I find that when relationships are broken down people sometimes get in a vicious circle of looking for fault even where none is intended.

Bennifred

You know what they say: You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. However, you don't HAVE to spend time with the people you don't like, whether you're related to them or not.