What should you/shouldn't you settle for in an older relationship

maman

DUKE wrote: »

Also you (I did) have a right to be choosy as you get older. When it's right you'll know & wont need to ask the question of settling for .... I don't think that that particular relationship was for you so don't waste your time thinking of any great loss. Good luck!

I think there's a right to be choosy at all and any age.

I suppose it is possible to start dating and find 'the one' first time but it's unlikely. You also need to ask your self why you want a long-term relationship rather just enjoyable dates.

My BIL (much older than OP) has recently remarried. He was widowed when his first wife died very suddenly. After about a year he started dating and within months he got engaged. He was married within less than a year. His motivation seemed to be that he was lonely at home. He has plenty of friends and family but he hated returning to an empty house. Everyone counselled him to wait but he wouldn't listen. I'm not going to say the marriage is a disaster as it's not but he's now finding out all about his new wife and it's uncomfortable for him. I'm not sympathetic because he expects to have everything his way and she won't have it. I admire her for sticking to her guns.

The reason for the story is that I think OP has had a lucky escape. You've found out about this guy before making any long term commitment.

My advice would be 'Get out there and kiss a few frogs!!!'

msb5262

Some great advice on this thread...

My response to the OP is this: what is age to do with it?

In ANY relationship, surely you should be looking for love, respect, affection, trust and consideration. I didn't see any of these in your description of your relationship and yet you say that he treated you decently...I wouldn't agree. You deserve someone who puts you first. Whatever age you are, whatever age he is. End of.

You're well off out of it, don't regret ending it for a minute.

toffee'n'tom

maman wrote: »

I think there's a right to be choosy at all and any age.

I suppose it is possible to start dating and find 'the one' first time but it's unlikely. You also need to ask your self why you want a long-term relationship rather just enjoyable dates.

My BIL (much older than OP) has recently remarried. He was widowed when his first wife died very suddenly. After about a year he started dating and within months he got engaged. He was married within less than a year. His motivation seemed to be that he was lonely at home. He has plenty of friends and family but he hated returning to an empty house. Everyone counselled him to wait but he wouldn't listen. I'm not going to say the marriage is a disaster as it's not but he's now finding out all about his new wife and it's uncomfortable for him. I'm not sympathetic because he expects to have everything his way and she won't have it. I admire her for sticking to her guns.

The reason for the story is that I think OP has had a lucky escape. You've found out about this guy before making any long term commitment.

My advice would be 'Get out there and kiss a few frogs!!!'

That sounds familiar. Thanks for that, And I certainly wasn't looking for a long term relationship. It just happened. It was my first real date since the separation. I'd got more time on my hands as my son had passed his driving test. . He was the one moving things very quickly. Arranging two dates at a time to fit in with shifts. Telling me he'd fallen in love with me. Planning our future. Talking about extending my house.

His wife leaving completely devastated him. He'd got everything planned for their future down to changing the domestic appliances before retirement!!

When I did challenge things (it only happened twice - both involving putting the exes before me) he couldn't take it and ended the relationship.Think he expected everything to fit into place with his current life perfectly. But life's not like that.

justme111

Yeah , yeah - sorry but the thought of being with someone just because he cooks you dinners , buys flowers , dont steel your money and sell your furniture and swears at your friends scares me out a big time. Women can earn , can pat someone to.fix their cars , dont need protection from a neighbour tribe etc these days so no need to.settle for what they would have to settle 200 years ago

[Deleted User]

pigpen wrote: »

Really?

........
Just because someone doesn't beat you or cheat on you does not mean they are treating you decently..

Move on and go find someone who does actually care about you!

Quoted for 100% truthery

in a relationship you should both treat each other as treasured and cherished partners or it's just not worth the effort.

And my secret is - if it's continual hard work and effort (despite the cliches) then it's *not* right. my OH & I are really good friends too, it's definitely not perfect but the few % of difficulties are outweighed by the good stuff, and this is how is should be, surely?

marisco_2

toffeentom wrote: »

What would you settle for in a relationship at my age.

Is it just me who finds the above quite a negative turn of phrase? To just settle for being in a relationship with someone, is to accept that it is not exactly what you want, but to not feel worthy of hoping for much more. No-one should feel the need to do that at any age.

To me a relationship worth aiming to be in, is one where you are with someone who is not just your partner but also your best friend. A person who you really like and can have a laugh with, but who is strong and supportive and would have your back in difficult times. Someone that you trust implicitly and who you know you can be completely yourself with. The one who you can talk about anything with and who shows an interest in you and wants to listen to your ideas and opinions. Ideally you would have some shared interests but also individual ones, so as you have independence from one another at times. Then you get to come together at the end of the day and share what you have been doing. To have that kind of connection with someone would be special and worthwhile.

trinity_enigma

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said here and just wanted to add one thing.

You need to be happy with your own life without a partner and when you do find someone they will complement it. I'm not saying partners have to agree with everything and everything should be perfect but neither of you should have to change themselves on anything more than minor points.

I hope you find someone for you and you definitely shouldn't settle. I remember once reading 'He's just not that into you' which was an eye opener. We all make excuses for people as you have done here for this man, but when it comes down to you if he was that 'into you' there wouldn't have been those problems. Some one who is 'into you' will want to spend time with you and want to include you with the important people in his life.

SuzieSue

Molly41 wrote: »

When you truly find the right person none of the bad points will matter x

This is so true. OP, I am the same age as you and your opening post sounds very similar to what I would say about my ex- there were just so many things that I wasn't happy about. We were just incompatible and I was glad when we decided to call it a day. I remember moaning to someone at work about him and I must have done it a lot without realising as she once asked me why I was with him if there were so many things wrong with him.

I have been with my current partner for nearly 7 years and I really can't think of anything that I would complain about. I'm sure he has his faults, as do I, but I really can't think of any.