What should you/shouldn't you settle for in an older relationship

toffee'n'tom

Just like some opinions on this one please.

Briefly I'm 48 years old, divorced 7 years and I have just been in my first relationship since the separation which lasted nine months - ex ended it not me (he's been separated 2 years but still going through a divorce).

I posted on here recently as I thought I'd messed up the relationship - I suppose I was the catalyst for it ending but I think it may have ended at some point anyway but I probably wouldn't have felt brave enough to do so because I felt I'd met someone very kind, loyal and generous who would have looked after me, held my hand, brought me flowers, cooked meals, helped with my car, house and garden and had a relatively good job. Those are the good points.

Because it all ended so suddenly - not on a sour note as such - I had to make a list of all the 'bad points' in order to convince myself I wasn't to blame and that the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway.

I like holidays in the sun - he doesn't. He didn't understand that I felt a little overwhelmed and isolated when he arranged large bbq's, dinners and nights out with his friends (who he has known 20/30 years and always talked to them not me when we were together). He didn't have the same sense of humour as I did. His conversation was repetitive and not the most interesting and things started to grate on me over the last few months. As well as shift work (very antisocial hours) he had other commitments to family and friends such as gardening work. He'd recently had 2 x 2 week breaks where I think we had lunch out once - he spent them gardening etc. We didn't get to spend many nights together but he snored all night. I generally made all the first moves in that department - he was always tired and not passionate, had cramps and not as caring as I had been used to with my husband. The only weekend away we had together he stopped the proceedings for a couple of minutes to finish a cup of tea! He had gall stone problems caused by a very unhealthy diet (he was overweight too). He wasn't prepared to do anything about it even for his own health.

I always dressed nicely for him - he didn't really care what he wore. ~Within a period of 2 months he spent 3 of his 17 weekends off a year with his exes wife and her husband - once at their house and twice at his. I was invited as a guest but couldn't stay. he couldn't understand why that upset me (one weekend was his birthday). He made all the arrangements for us to meet around his work etc. I never made any.

I have a very good dry sense of humour. He, thinking it was funny, repeatedly started to call me wench, swamp donkey and other names. It just wasn't funny and that started to really grate on me. He had 2 cats which I really don't like. They were allowed anywhere in his house - fair enough I suppose but he used to wind me up by picking them up, ruffling their coat making their fur fly over me and everywhere else. He couldn't see why that bothered me.

We saw each other once or twice a week maybe for a drink or meal out - with or without his friends. No days out (apart from the weekend away).

BUT he was all of the above good points and I felt very, very sad when it ended because I thought that we loved each other (and told each other that).

What would you settle for in a relationship at my age. Is being kind, generous etc etc etc enough? Was I too intolerant? I can't help it but part of me thinks that I've blown my chance to be with someone who would really have looked after me.

alleycat`

What you will put up with and what someone else will put up with are two very different things.

If it isn't making you happy most of the time it probably isn't right for you and you've made the correct decision.

In your mid 40's i'm surprised, if i'm honest, that you think "settling" is good enough?

FatVonD

No offence intended but it sounds like he's very settled and happy with the way his life is and saw you as an added extra rather than the be all and end all of it. Good luck to him for not dropping all his friends/hobbies just because he'd met a new woman!

If you don't mind me saying so you sound like you barely actually liked him at all but are worried nothing better will come along :eek:

candytwinkle

I think you weren't a match, by the sound of it.
So stop thinking now or you will go mad.

When the right one comes along you will know, you won't have all these if's but's or maybe's going around your head

paulineb_2

I also think that looking at the above, you don't have much positive to say about him and I did see your other thread and know you did like him.

All I can say for me personally is, having been through some awful relationships in my teens and 20s, as long as someone treats me decently, I think Id try and work through everything else that happened.

I have pet cats, some people wouldn't like that, I don't eat meat, ditto. Sometimes you need to meet people halfway.

Both of you, not just him and yes I also understand the reasons why its over but try and look forward, you shouldn't settle for anything less than you want just because you are over 40, if that's what you think, it is really sad. Too many people are in make do relationships as it is.

Molly41

When you truly find the right person none of the bad points will matter x

toffee'n'tom

All I can say for me personally is, having been through some awful relationships in my teens and 20s, as long as someone treats me decently, I think Id try and work through everything else that happened.

Deep down that's what I can't let go of. he did treat me decently

Nothing I can do about it but I really have to try and get it out of my head - because it is all consuming at the moment.

LutonGirl

Sounds like you're well shot of him and ready to move on to someone a whole lot better.

I'm a similar age to you and have been divorced a similar amount of time. I left it a long while before dating again and to start with found the whole thing really daunting and wondered at times if that was all there was and if I had to set my sights lower or expect less.

Cutting a long story short I dated a few (online dating) - some better than others - but I did find someone wonderful and I realise now I'm not prepared to settle for just anyone or anything, I stuck to my guns and I now have the relationship I craved and I felt I deserved.

You will too. As others have said, the bad points won't matter and you won't have to make do.

All the best.
x

flutterby_lil

"Within a period of 2 months he spent 3 of his 17 weekends off a year with his exes wife and her husband"

Slightly confused by this. I guess you are female and him male, so is his ex male?

heartbreak_star

Molly41 wrote: »

When you truly find the right person none of the bad points will matter x

And those that matter your will both be willing to compromise on. OH smokes, I hate smoking - he only smokes in one room of the house now.

HBS x

DUKE

You're worth more than that toffee! Also you (I did) have a right to be choosy as you get older. When it's right you'll know & wont need to ask the question of settling for .... I don't think that that particular relationship was for you so don't waste your time thinking of any great loss. Good luck!