What should you/shouldn't you settle for in an older relationship

Errata

Look on it as a dress rehearsal for the real thing, you've discovered a lot about yourself and what you need and want and what you don't.
There are a lot of frogs around , you have to kiss them to find out if they're a prince.

toffee'n'tom

LutonGirl wrote: »

Sounds like you're well shot of him and ready to move on to someone a whole lot better.

I'm a similar age to you and have been divorced a similar amount of time. I left it a long while before dating again and to start with found the whole thing really daunting and wondered at times if that was all there was and if I had to set my sights lower or expect less.

Cutting a long story short I dated a few (online dating) - some better than others - but I did find someone wonderful and I realise now I'm not prepared to settle for just anyone or anything, I stuck to my guns and I now have the relationship I craved and I felt I deserved.

You will too. As others have said, the bad points won't matter and you won't have to make do.

All the best.
x

Thanks Luton girl. Really good to hear your story and really pleased for you. I was going to leave things a while to settle down and I was considering on line dating. Any sites better than others?

toffee'n'tom

flutterby_lil wrote: »

"Within a period of 2 months he spent 3 of his 17 weekends off a year with his exes wife and her husband"

Slightly confused by this. I guess you are female and him male, so is his ex male?

got that one wrong :rotfl:- his exes sister and her husband

pollypenny

No, you are well out of it. It sounds as if you were a convenient add-on when it suited him.

There's no hurry is there? And definitely no need to latch on to any man for fear of bring lonely.

Frith

Blimey, he sounds just like my ex boyfriend (was with him 14 months). Except he has type 2 diabetes (which he refuses to accept or treat) rather than gall bladder problems.

I ran through a list in my head and came up with 6 "pros" to staying with him but 22 cons! It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't come up with any more positive reasons to stay.

pigpen

toffeentom wrote: »

Deep down that's what I can't let go of. he did treat me decently

Really?

He called you names which upset you, he ignored you when his friends were around, he flicked cat fur on you knowing you dislike it, he never made time for you and found anything else to do and you were way down the list of priorities by the sounds of it.. after his ex-in-laws!!

I wouldn't could that as being treated decently I'd call that being a convenient [EMAIL="Sh@g"]Sh@g[/EMAIL] when nothing else was going on.

Just because someone doesn't beat you or cheat on you does not mean they are treating you decently..

Move on and go find someone who does actually care about you!

mrcow

Good grief.

If anyone needed to get themselves and read a copy of "The Rules", it's you!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374247241&sr=8-3&keywords=the+rules

You shouldn't settle.
Ever.
You don't need to settle for being second best.
Or settle for being further down the list of priorities.

You want and need someone who is going to prioritise you above all else. Don't you deserve that?

toffee'n'tom

pigpen wrote: »

Really?

He called you names which upset you, he ignored you when his friends were around, he flicked cat fur on you knowing you dislike it, he never made time for you and found anything else to do and you were way down the list of priorities by the sounds of it.. after his ex-in-laws!!

I wouldn't could that as being treated decently I'd call that being a convenient Sh@g when nothing else was going on.

Just because someone doesn't beat you or cheat on you does not mean they are treating you decently..

Move on and go find someone who does actually care about you!

I can see why his friends value him (his exes are his friends), he would do anything for them, but I can see he needs to learn from this if he wants another relationship. I remember his saying to me very early on that he was in on a Saturday night alone with the TV thinking - is this it? In a way, following his separation, I do feel that I filled in those lonely moments for him (although I'm not convinced he did that deliberately). I never ever would ask him or anyone to give up friends, family, hobbies for me but I do think that you have to compromise/make some sacrifices in order to make a relationship work.

We laugh about this now - my two chidlren and I (18 and 16) were invited to a gathering at his friend's house on Christmas Even. Didn't tell my 18yr son until the last minute as I knew he wouldn't go. There were 3 other couples all with older uni age childre there too - I'd only met a couple of them once. It was so awkward. He'd mentioned to me that they exchanged presents and did I mind? Not at all. Again he didn't sit by us and after a meal they all spent 3 hours - 3 hours - exchanging and opening gifts - each one photographed individually whilst we three just sat there watching with nothing. :rotfl:My legs were bruised from my two kicking me under the table but I couldn't politely leave until the ceremony had finished!!!

FatVonD

pigpen wrote: »

Just because someone doesn't beat you or cheat on you does not mean they are treating you decently..

I've never really thought about it like this, you make a good point.

duchy

I don't think that because you are older you lower your standards .....but I do think we value different qualities as we age.

At eighteen my fiance was very good looking, was a hard worker earning good money, had a car -they were the things I'd think of first in describing him as a "good catch" ...........I'm now 52 and long divorced from this man ....and to my surprise engaged again - to a man who has all the same qualities but if asked to describe him - I talk about how kind he is, how he accepts my disabled adult son as a part of the package without question, how when I finish work he has my dinner ready and runs me a bath (even if he's worked 12 hours that day himself). How he knows my flaws but loves me unconditionally despite them.

He's not perfect -he has flaws one in particular he knows I hate and he's working on it- but he makes me happy ..... and very glad I didn't consider settling for a compromise relationship just because I'm fifty two