How to help son make friends

Savvy_Sue

I don't know who told your LEA to cut back on statements, but IPSEA might be interested if they are NOT statementing children who need it! That's against the law!

outrageous_monkey

I know Savvy! It makes my blood boil.........but again its back to funding, and there isnt enough money in the pot to statement every child.

Just aswell we have an appeals service! :T

Ellie2758

savagevixen wrote: »

I have the Child Psychiatric Nurse coming next week, she has details of all the local groups and support available so hopefully that will help.
There are no school in the area, so that is a shame, we are trying to move. We do know one other kid, he's a bit older, but he is Aspergers/Semantic Pragmatric disorder, ds loves him.
And he's a whizz at Bmxing and Skateboarding which is quite good for his low self-esteem, as he's better than other kids his age. He sometimes does Judo, but he gets so overexcited to be with other kids, that it is very difficult (and upsetting) We got him a drum kit for Christmas (for the musical side and an outlet for his hitting the walls!!) He is brilliant, really talented, the family fund man came yesterday and was really impressed at his drumming!
My son is certainly not a quiet timid aspie, he's a noisy tornado of a child (bless him) He wouldn't want to be anyone else but he'd like to go to school and play with the other kids. (He can't get his head around why boys would want to play Army...and when he tries he takes it way too far!)
His main obsession is ... foxgloves. He loves them. Other obsession are more transient, mobile phones are pretty much ongoing.

That is excellent news about the drumming - stress-relieving as well (though possibly not for you). When he gets older maybe he can join up with some other kids and form a band. I'm sure he'll be very popular once they all get into that kind of thing (at around the age of 14/15, if my son is anything to go by)

SallyUK

I'm glad I found this thread!

My son is now 14, extremely tall and very, very handsome. He's very bright, (was awarded Head of Year Achievment Award) at his High School last year, but he has no confidence whatsoever and is so painfully shy.

Once he knows someone, he will chat to them and smile, but anyone else he would never dare look them in the eye. He's always got this "frown" and "scowl" on his face and people think he's really grumpy. His reason though is because he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, when he was about 7.

When he was a little boy, he used to sing beautifully, especially if we were in the car and he knew every single word, off by heart! As he got older, he did music lessons with my friend, who was a music teacher and he excelled at playing his keyboard. He even used to love playing it in front of an audience at coffee mornings etc, despite him being shy! The reason for that was because he knew he was good at it. Even people complimented him, he would just say thanks and put his head down.

For the past few years though, he hasn't hummed a tune, nor has he sang or shown any interest in music. I've tried. I've always been brought up in a household where there was always music on in the background, or my Mum was always singing and I love that.

But when anyone tells him how well he's done, or how lovely he looks, or how clever he is - any kind of compliment, he always says the same as your son - "No, it's not" - or "No, I don't"

Sorry to go on, but I just wanted to share with you the way my son is too.

It's so pitiful to watch him growing up and never leaving the house and having no friends apart from when he's at school. None of his friends live near us, nor will he go out the of the house to make any new ones. He won't go join any groups, he's not wanting to anywhere, where there's strange, new people. It's such a shame, as he really does need more friends and something to take an interest in!

When we lived in Scotland, he went to Boys Brigade, but no matter how much I try to persuade him, he won't go to anything down here because he's so shy and wouldn't want to go in there on his own! Catch 22 situation, really.

I know that once he got over that intial hurdle and got to speak to other boys his age, then he would be quite happy to be friends with them.

He has asked, in the past, if he could do swimming lessons, but they'd have to be private ones with only him in the pool! Where would I find that?! He's also suggested having Martial Arts lessons too, but again he wants a private instructor, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting him out and about!

His only interests are Marvel comic books, and he loves to draw out his own ones. He also writes his own stories on his laptop - and some of his writing is absolutely wonderful!

Sal
xx

savagevixen

He has asked, in the past, if he could do swimming lessons, but they'd have to be private ones with only him in the pool! Where would I find that?! He's also suggested having Martial Arts lessons too, but again he wants a private instructor, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting him out and about!

Hi,
Lovely post, thanktyou. One local swimming school, were happy to try my son in a class, it didn't go terribly well... However they were happy to tailor individual lessons, until he became more confident. These were obviously more expensive, but the swimming teacher had a 12 year old Aspie herself, and had info about a fund that would meet the extra incurred costs. Unfortuanetly with 4 other small children, it was too difficult for me to manage at the time (daughters aged 1,3,5,6) very tricky. So it's on hold. Maybe there is a way round that.
Also our local Judo club have been very helpful, and recognised where my son was having the most difficulty, and had him for half an hour before the main session for 1-1 for a few weeks. This has helped his confidence and he is happier to go in the main class. If you approach people they may be really helpful, and it can be a stepping stone to him being more integrated.
Vix

filigree_2

Wow, thanks for all the replies, I'm quite overwhelmed :T

I've had a think about some of the ideas. I looked into St John Cadets and it looks fantastic, sadly there isn't a group anywhere near here However I'm going to email them and check just in case because it looks too good to pass up. I don't know about local Scouts or Boys Brigade, I'll do some research into that. I'm not sure about Scouts because my memory of Brownies and Guides is that there was compulsory church attendance and we're not Christians, but I will find out if they're more flexible in our multi-faith 21st century society. I agree that just shoving him into a club might backfire if it just introduces him to another crowd of kids who don't like him :eek: I'd have to be very careful and give him the option of giving up if it doesn't work out.

Bless him, he doesn't have a creative bone in his body so he won't thank me for music lessons I've ruled out drama, dance or art clubs for that reason. He hates doing them at school.

He does like sport and is even thinking about studying sports sciences when he's older, but sadly he isn't very good at most sport. He has tried and then left various school sports clubs because if you don't get picked for the team you get sidelined and he doesn't need many more opportunities for rejection. All he's good at is golf and swimming, partly because they don't demand team playing skills. He goes to a golf club with a junior section where he mixes with other kids, but there isn't anywhere close to home and he's "odd man out" because he doesn't go to the same private school they all go to! I do worry that if he does even more golf it will just reinforce the obsession, whereas I would prefer him to widen his interests a bit. I will find out about the local swimming club, perhaps he could go there for a trial period. Personally I loathed swimming club but I shouldn't let my prejudices affect what he does In the past I've passed on martial arts clubs, mostly because he used to have a problem with aggressive behaviour and lack of boundaries in play ie he would have ended up doing karate kicks on kids at school. Now he's older and more controlled he might like it, so I'll see about local classes.

I've looked at the Autistic Society and it was very interesting, I didn't realise they could assess him. I think the EA were reluctant to give him a firm diagnosis because then he'd cost them money :mad: I agree that the quiet well-behaved kids don't get as much attention, and I think that they assume that two middle class parents will take up the slack and see to their child's needs without free NHS intervention. Our EA has an appalling record in this respect, we live near the Spink family who had terrible trouble getting help for their children and wrote a book about it called Henrietta's Dream.

We have taken him and a few friends to the cinema and might take them all to Chessington or Thorpe in the summer. This is how we got him started with his new friend - asked him round for a morning's messing about at golf then Playstation and pizza. I hope that if he shares these things he will have something more interesting to talk about and mix better. I also think that it helps if people think you're popular, so if he's seen to be spending time with friends other youngsters will leave him alone.

Living with our special children is certainly a challenge! I wouldn't change him for the world, I just wish he was happier. Anyone who doesn't want to be his friend doesn't know what they're missing, he's got a wicked sense of humour. I think all our kids should get together and be friends, and stuff the boring kids who aren't obsessed with foxgloves and Doctor Who :rotfl:

Carmina_Piranha_3

it's hard for them to just join a club or lesson when they don't know anyone isn't it. a teacher at our school engineered a friendship between her son and mine, and then my son joined boys brigade because he already knew the teacher's son who went there. they've grown apart now, the teacher's son has grown up and has other interests, and he's light years away from mine socially, he will be going to a different high school anyhow. it was great while it lasted though.

i'm going to a parents evening at the high school soon, just for adults. i hope i'll be able to ask about clubs, see if there's a doctor who club - that would be the most likely place for spud to meet kids who are like him. he's not actually diagnosed with AS, and i was never sure if he was AS or if it was part of dyspraxia which he definitely has whether the paediatrician agreed or not. he was statemented for nursery because the special needs nursery was full, he kept the statement until year 3 of school. he's still on the SEN register as far as i know, and that's why i was able to ask about getting him in a class with his mate. maybe they'll do a mentor thing where he can have another kid making sure he's not bullied, showing him where the clubs are held etc. - i hope the school does that!

filigree chessington or thorpe sounds good - we live near alton towers but we know so many children who've never been. it gives them HUGE kudos at school to say they went to AT (but my lad who has an annual pass and goes 20 times a year never brags lol!) and it sort of gives my son an aura of 'cool' when the other kids brag to the class about him taking them there. i also give him birthday parties that everyone wants to go to. it all sounds quite petty of me doesn't it, but he enjoys friendship when other kids approach him, but never approaches them or suggests meeting up at the weekend. i try to give him as many reasons for other kids to approach him as possible.

SallyUK

Hi Filigree

As regards the Boys Brigade, I can't say what it's like where you live, but I used to be an Officer-In-Charge of the Junior section, when I lived in Scotland.

There was no conditions whatsoever that the child had to attend Sunday school or the parents attend church. We had a lot of boys and only one or two actually attended Sunday School.

Having said that an awful lot of parents thought they could just send their sons to us every week and use us as unpaid babysitters for a couple of hours! LOL

Sal
x

outrageous_monkey

Some one on MSE had a really good sig, it said, I woudlnt change the world for me autistic son, but I'd love to change the world for him' .........if only, eh??

I dont know about your children, but my son is far happier to play with the kids who are at least a couple of years younger than him. He just doenst have anything in common with his peer group and younger kids dont but the same social demands on him, which makes it easier for him.

I've stayed clear of the karate/self defence sport with my son, only because I am worried it would start off an obesssion to go around the play groud kicking (not meaning to, just playing but knowing the boundries) like the Power Rangers or something.

I do have a ST johns Ambulance training centre just across the road from me, so I think I might have a look and see what they do there. My lad never wants to go to Boys Brigade but every time I go to pick him up he says he has had a good time. The leaders have been very understanding about the AS which has helped, plus there is a lad out of his class there.

I was meant to say too, with the local autistic group we belong to, things like swimming, trampoling etc, we do all these when the pool, sports hall is actually closed off to the rest of the public. We go to an outdoor adventure play centre, that too will be closed off to the public when we go.

Do you all know of the Transporters DVD you can get from the NAS? Its very similar to Thomas the Tank Engine (and how many of us have gone thru a Thomas obesession, lol) but the faces are more life like and the facial expressions stay for a lot longer. Facial expressions are so difficult for AS to understand, let alone recognise. So if someone is happy, they will smile for longer, frown for longer, etc. Its really good, plus there are guide notes to go with it, so you can discus it with your child. It is aged at slightly younger children, but my lad has watched it.

Blimey, I dont 'alf ramble:rolleyes:

Ellie2758

filigree wrote: »

Wow, thanks for all the replies, I'm quite overwhelmed :T

I've had a think about some of the ideas. I looked into St John Cadets and it looks fantastic, sadly there isn't a group anywhere near here However I'm going to email them and check just in case because it looks too good to pass up. I don't know about local Scouts or Boys Brigade, I'll do some research into that. I'm not sure about Scouts because my memory of Brownies and Guides is that there was compulsory church attendance and we're not Christians, but I will find out if they're more flexible in our multi-faith 21st century society. I agree that just shoving him into a club might backfire if it just introduces him to another crowd of kids who don't like him :eek: I'd have to be very careful and give him the option of giving up if it doesn't work out.

Bless him, he doesn't have a creative bone in his body so he won't thank me for music lessons I've ruled out drama, dance or art clubs for that reason. He hates doing them at school.

He does like sport and is even thinking about studying sports sciences when he's older, but sadly he isn't very good at most sport. He has tried and then left various school sports clubs because if you don't get picked for the team you get sidelined and he doesn't need many more opportunities for rejection. All he's good at is golf and swimming, partly because they don't demand team playing skills. He goes to a golf club with a junior section where he mixes with other kids, but there isn't anywhere close to home and he's "odd man out" because he doesn't go to the same private school they all go to! I do worry that if he does even more golf it will just reinforce the obsession, whereas I would prefer him to widen his interests a bit. I will find out about the local swimming club, perhaps he could go there for a trial period. Personally I loathed swimming club but I shouldn't let my prejudices affect what he does In the past I've passed on martial arts clubs, mostly because he used to have a problem with aggressive behaviour and lack of boundaries in play ie he would have ended up doing karate kicks on kids at school. Now he's older and more controlled he might like it, so I'll see about local classes.

I've looked at the Autistic Society and it was very interesting, I didn't realise they could assess him. I think the EA were reluctant to give him a firm diagnosis because then he'd cost them money :mad: I agree that the quiet well-behaved kids don't get as much attention, and I think that they assume that two middle class parents will take up the slack and see to their child's needs without free NHS intervention. Our EA has an appalling record in this respect, we live near the Spink family who had terrible trouble getting help for their children and wrote a book about it called Henrietta's Dream.

We have taken him and a few friends to the cinema and might take them all to Chessington or Thorpe in the summer. This is how we got him started with his new friend - asked him round for a morning's messing about at golf then Playstation and pizza. I hope that if he shares these things he will have something more interesting to talk about and mix better. I also think that it helps if people think you're popular, so if he's seen to be spending time with friends other youngsters will leave him alone.

Living with our special children is certainly a challenge! I wouldn't change him for the world, I just wish he was happier. Anyone who doesn't want to be his friend doesn't know what they're missing, he's got a wicked sense of humour. I think all our kids should get together and be friends, and stuff the boring kids who aren't obsessed with foxgloves and Doctor Who :rotfl:

Just wanted to say that you are doing absolutely the right thing inviting kids round and doing the Chessington/Thorpe Park thing.
Dont let the LEA off the hook as regards a diagnosis - it is much easier (erm, ok, not terribly easy at all) to get the right help if you have a diagnosis. It kind of opens doors - only a crack, mind! Without a diagnosi you really are on your own. Try IPSEA if you need help with statementing.
The Scouts dont have any rules about church attendance these days, though they do like it if the lads go along to the Remembrance Day and St George's Day parades. That's only twice a year though.