How to help son make friends

filigree_2

My 13 year old DS has a history of communication problems. He hasn't been diagnosed with Aspergers but he has some of the same kind of problems, particularly in his social skills. He literally had no friends at primary school, and at secondary school he only has one good friend. Thanks to this friend DS has a small group to hang round with but he hasn't really bonded with them.
DS is a sensitive little flower who likes golf and cooking and speaks "nicely" in an area where most of the kids speak Sarf London Chav. Let's face it, he's doomed to spend high school getting a kicking He lacks the sort of thick skin needed to get by. He is brighter than average but his learning difficulties mean he is usually in the bottom or middle ability sets and unfortunately the more troublesome pupils seem to be put in those classes. His best mate is in the gifted and talented scheme so they don't see each other in lesson times. Gawd, I sound like a right snob but I don't mean it like that. He is like a fish out of water though.
We've spoken to the school with limited success. As far as they are concerned, he is doing as well as expected in his lessons, he is well behaved and tries hard. He does have some friends and hasn't been the victim of bullying exactly - but he isn't happy. One small success is that I convinced them to make him a library monitor and that's boosted his self-esteem.
I'll try not to ramble on too much. I'd be grateful if anyone has tips on:
Hobbies or clubs that would suit a painfully shy kid with learning and physical disabilities - perhaps a club for less able children or even one for kids with ASD. Unfortunately a lot of mainstream hobbies are competitive, and if you aren't good at that activity it stops being fun.
How to find a suitable therapist, perhaps one that could work on his conversation skills with him. He's been signed off by the NHS speech therapy service so we would have to pay, but this is something I'd be willing to consider if it helped him.
I guess there is a national support group for kids with Aspergers - do you think they would let us join even though he's not diagnosed? His official diagnosis is "Pragmatic speech disorder, poor social skills and dyspraxia" which in my opinion is near as dammit the same thing!
Any thoughts appreciated

Rachie_B

my son is dyspraxic so i can understand some of what you say

he is 11 and will go to secondary school in sept which i am absolutely dreading ,pretty much for the reasons you outline above

He has many friends at the moment in yr 6 ,but it all changes once they get split up in secondary school

dont know about where you are,but at the local leisure centre here they have groups eg trampolining / football etc for children with physical and / or learning difficulties

something like this could help ? as they would all be in the same boat so to speak and so not as competetive as a mainstream group ?

he would make friends who are "like him" and maybe this is what he needs ? to feel he belongs ?

Theres also a Dyspraxia support group here, and so we can meet up with parents & children in the same position as us its so nice just to chat to others who know what you are talking about !!

this is a good chat forum for Dyspraxic teens http://www.matts-hideout.co.uk/

Kimitatsu

If he is dispraxic or has Aspergers then swimming and trampolining help. It helps them co-ordinate their balance whilst having fun, and because trampolining especially is something they can do at their own speed is not competative in the way other sports are.

If he likes playing golf are there not any golf type things he can do? I appreciate that it wont include school friends but 13 is a tricky age whatever, so if he can find some like minded people to bond with then that might help

Isnt Aspergers within the autistic spectrum? Something at the back of my mind tells me that because the spectrum is so broad then it includes a huge variety. If it is then the national autistic society will welcome you with open arms, if you look on their website then you will find your local contact.

HTH

Carmina_Piranha_3

rachie i pulled strings last week to get my son put into the same high school tutor group as his friend (pretty much the only person he knows who will go to this school - everyone else lives a mile away and will go to a different school). i called the head of year and asked if he was with his mate. she checked and said no, kids had been grouped into 4's or 5's according to who they put on their 'friends' list that they made last month. spud put his mate and one other boy, but his having called this child by surname instead of forename indicates that he doesn't actually know him well :rolleyes: anyway, spud had been put with surname-boy and some others who he doesn't like because they are really streetwise and he's out of his depth with them.

the head of year said this sort of thing has to be sorted out this week, after that it will be too late. the SENCO could have asked that he be put with his mate, apparently. i did ask her to, and she forgot.

anyway, sorry for that long paragraph. could you request that he be in a tutor group with people he's comfortable with? they may be split for ability in maths etc. but at least he will see his mate at registration etc. i wanted him to sit with a friend when they are working out how to draw their timetable, the school map etc. because my boy is hopeless at that sort of thing, and too shy to speak out if he needs help.

filigree i'm thinking about primary school but i tend to hunt down the kids who are on the same wavelength as spud and invite them to alton towers (thorpe park for you?), after first inviting them with parents to a playbarn or similar, or spud's birthday party.

i suppose at high school you'd have to rely on your child recognising which children aren't too streetwise for him, and actually managing to invite them out or get their phone number. i can't see my kid being able to do that, fingers crossed!

[Deleted User]

How about a traditional youth club like the Cubs or venture scouts? Something that might have more of the 'right crowd'

avfc4life

You cant really make friends for him its all about confidence. You need to do things that will build his confidence up. Does he see his mate outside of school if not you could suggest that he invites him over to yours or they go somewhere (cinemas) A youth club or something like that is a good idea but if you son is shy it wont always work as that would just be throwing him in at the deep end. Im quite shy and when i started secondary school i hated it for at least the first year (perhaps 2.) I made a one or two friends and then the group started to grow so i think that with shyer (sp) people it is natural to feel like this at first and hopefully he should make more friends. Its good that he has a friend as at my school there were a few people who had no friends at all. You should find that the more he gets to know this other boy the more he gets to know other people aswell (if the other boy has friends they will probably become his mates aswell.)

When i was younger i wasnt badly shy but i wouldnt have thanked my parents for taking me to a youth club by myself or anything like that. If anything that might make him more shy.

Rachie_B

carmina thanks for that ,it hadnt even occured to me to ask ! !

glad your son will be with his friend

I am going to see if its possible for my son too

outrageous_monkey

Hi Filigree

I have a 10 year old diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Its heartbreaking to know that they have little or no friends. The thing with my son too is that he has obessesions, for the past couple of years its been Doctor Who. So at school playtimes, thats all he wants to play.....which in effect, makes him unsociable, because not everyone wants to play doctor who all of the time. Plus he is also getting aware that he is different from other kids and needs a lot of reasurance that he isnt 'odd' or a 'freak'

I joined a local Autsitic Support Group, I would recommend that you see if you have one locally to where you live. One of the sports good for children with Aspergers is swimming. This is because we all look the same in the water and so our differance are not as noticable. My son goes swimming with the autistic support group, plus the Boys Brigade group that he attends too.

Like whats been mentioned there is the National Autistic Society who have lots of help, plus a specialist educational department. I would try and have as much contact with the school. I am at the moment planning my sons transitional period to High School, so I'm not able to offer any advice as to whats the best groups at high school.

But I do seriously suggest you look for a local autistic group. Ours is brill, we have regular meetings, days out (all based around children with poor social/behavioural skills), holidays, support within school and access to support groups run by the LEA.

Good luck! You could phone Childrens Services run by your local authority and see what they suggest??

Zara33

What about karate, tae kwon do that way your son is meeting new people but is also learning self defence which may help him in future.

My son who has ASD attends karate, and he has made a great network of friends there and because the "rules" aren't different he doesn't get stressed and there is no pressure on competing either, he is just working his way up through his different grades.
The other thinng that i find good about these classes are the majority of the kids attending them are kids that have been bullied before, so already they have something in common.

We went down the cubs/scouts line but tbh it was a complete and utter nightmare the leaders didn't really have a clue about Autism and some of the kids were very cruel.

Carmina_Piranha_3

spud loves swimming but because as has been we all look the same in the water he couldn't recognise his friends when he was younger, he's got better at it as he's got older. he also didn't know his friends when the school had non-uniform days, or at birthday parties when he couldn't use the make and type of their school uniform (especially shoes) to tell them apart. he's got better at seeing their facial features now, poor sausage!

zara it all depends on the leaders of the groups. the boys brigade my son went to were very tolerant and had more than their fair share of boys with ADHD attending. my son stopped going because of the chaos and noise though. there was a toddler group at the salvation army where the leaders were great, but that's because their own children had problems.

now that they are going to high school though they are less enthusiastic about groups and the gap between them really shows - most kids want to stand around chatting while only a few want to chase around playing doctor who

outrageous_monkey

Hiya Carmina

Does you spud fancy coming playing Doctor Who with my lad?? It'd make a lovely change from me playing Rose!:rotfl: