I think I just attract people that treat me badly, does anyone else feel that way?

Jox

There are things that happen and there are our perceptions of things that happen.

If your perception is that someone is treating you badly then remove yourself from the situation immediately. Do not tolerate it for an hour or an evening or a whole day.

Some people are sensitive and take comments to heart and it hurts them.

Other people could hear the same comments and give it back as good as they get it or could find it funny and engage in banter.

We all react differently based on our environment and experiences.

I have always borne grudges and taken things to heart and get offended quite easily. I don't like being like this but this is the way I am and I accept that. My circle of friends have diminished over the years because I have felt ignored or slighted by those people I considered friends.

But quality is better than quantity so I have a good small group of people who are my true friends.

Be true to yourself and don't tolerate behaviour you aren't comfortable with or that hurts you.

We can't change others, only ourselves.

paulineb_2

I don't really like the word frenemy but yes, Ive attracted a host of negative people in my life, probably from my teens up. Im now 44.

I don't put up with it any more. About 5 or 6 years ago I had a clear out of so called friends and the negatives are no longer in my life anymore.

I don't have loads of friends, I have more of people I can go out for a drink or a meal with but I wouldn't say we are very close

But that's ok by me, because its preferable to some of the friendships Ive had in the past where people thought it was acceptable to treat me like something off the bottom of their shoe. Its not acceptable and I wont put up with it anymore.

marisco_2

Everyone comes across the kind of people you are describing at some point OP. Although you certainly seem to have come into contact with more than your fair share of domineering and unpleasant individuals. You are the only person who is in charge of how you feel about yourself. Learn to value and respect yourself and accept that you are worthy of being treated well by others. If someone fails to appreciate this about you then you can consider how sad it is that they have such a limited view. You can think how unfortunate it is, that they have such an exaggerated sense of self importance, that they feel they can carry on like this and you will just put up with it. Realise that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own limitations.

How you handle yourself when people are rude and obnoxious to you, in all areas of your life, will determine if they continue to treat you in this manner. When you find yourself in a situation that you don't like do you stand up for yourself, or let the person blindly carry on treating you badly? To handle these situations effectively you don't have to turn it into a confrontation at all. A calm and assertive response clearly indicating that someone has crossed a line and undermined you, is generally enough to stop it from happening again. Often people behave in this manner due to their own insecurities and flaws. However if they are aware that you wont stand for it, they tend not to risk being pulled up by you again.

In future take your time to get to know people, and only slowly open up to them. This approach gives you the opportunity to properly assess whether they are the type of person you want to socialise with. Become more choosy and selective about who you mix with and you will most likely not encounter these kinds of problems as frequently

pigpen

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I think the main thing that upsets me is that these things just don't seem to happen to some people, or to most people even really. Or is it that lots of people are better at sussing people out and keeping them at arm's length? .

I think you will find everyone has/had people like this in their lives.

I have got to the point where I don't even try any more.. I don't have the time or the energy to invest in people pleasing.. if they don't like me, I actually don't care, I don't need anyones approval!

On the whole people are horrible.. they are b!tchy, mean, out for themselves, rude, nosey and selfish.. There are very few genuinely pleasant people and all too often they are crapped on from a great height by those who are supposed to care about them.

Why do you feel the need for these people to like you? You should listen to the counsellor.. People should never be considered a friend until they have seen you through bad times and you them.. if you are there for each other when things are crappy that is friendship. It is very naïve to think that a person is a friend just because they are pleasant to you in certain situations.. I don't know about raising the bar it sounds like you need to get one to start with.

Valuing yourself and looking at what you have to offer is a good start.. you don't need to work at a true friendship those people are there for you no matter what.

Errata

Do you understand the difference between an acquaintance and a friend? Both will treat you differently depending in which they are.

Pee

Sounds like good advice from your counsellor.

I do think that we have control over the way that we are treated. I find it is important for me to believe that, because the alternative is just to be a victim, and I'm not prepared to just be a victim.

I was bullied at school and I do care a lot about whether people like me, even though I try to logically tell myself that it doesn't matter at all. I don't however think that I am worthless. I think I'm a pretty good person, just I don't trust everyone to realise that.

You don't need frenemys.

PoppingCandy

Thank you so much everyone for the replies.

I had a counselling session a couple of days ago and had a long chat with my counsellor (lasting the whole session lol) about this particular problem. She said it does sound as though I have come across a lot of unkind, unpleasant people and we came up with a handful of reasons as to why it might be:

Firstly she said perhaps they are jealous of me and because they're not nice individuals they set out to make things difficult for me or to be unpleasant.

Secondly they may pick up that I have low self esteem and so see me as an easy target.

Thirdly I think perhaps I am not that good at diffusing situations before this kind of thing arises. I have always let everyone be a 'friend' and let them into my life even though I've sensed that their motives might not always be nice, and hence they've had the power over me and enough involvement in my life to be nasty. Whereas if I just relegated them to an 'acquaintance' and had little to do with them as soon as I'd sussed them out then it probably wouldn't get to the stage of nastiness as they would be at arm's length.

tiger_eyes

PoppingCandy wrote: »

Everything seems to end in huge conflict for me, which I try to avoid but it seems I attract people that are determined to have a huge, dramatic 'showy' falling-out with me and then involve other people.

OK. I hear your frustration. This drama is making you unhappy and it won't go away. I remember feeling like this in school. I'd like to suggest a different perspective which has put me in a much calmer place.

These are the facts:

You cannot control what other people do. Their shallow, petty, jealous behaviour is up to them. Since you have no control over it, you have no responsibility for it. It's not your fault, it's theirs.

Although you can't control what these people do, you are in complete control of how you deal with it. You choose whether to spend time with them, you choose whether to trust them, you choose whether their behaviour is acceptable to you. By continuing to socialise with them, you signal that you're accepting this behaviour, so it continues. The simplest way to handle a toxic situation is to remove yourself from it. That's how you regain control.

If somebody belittles you, walk away. If they call you, hang up. If they visit you, shut the door. You have absolutely no obligation to deal with this - they're not your family, they're not real friends. You don't owe them anything. Your ability to walk away at any time is your armour and your protection. Once you realise that you don't have to take this, you are the one with the power.

Repeat after me:

I deserve better than this.

I am better than this.

I can walk away any time I want.

I am in control.

diggle

I have had same issues ,there is alot of people about like that ,if they get the chance to put you down makes them feel better about themselves.
Someone told me a well known phrase cannot remember who originally said it but it works for me
" no one can make you feel inferior without your consent " in other words you are allowing negative comments/remarks to upset you .
Try to think along those lines , you are a better person and do not need to retaliate with comments believe in yourself , you know deep down your faults but you are a good person , tell yourself that (in your head ) it works for me .
Accept that negative friends are just that its part of who they are,and exclude them from yourself or pity them ,if you like they obviously have issues.
Take care ,
X

an9i77

I saw some of what you posted in a 'friendship' I'd had with an old friend who treated me like dirt. For years I put up with it but one day I decided it just wasn't worth it anymore. That was a turning point for me - that I valued myself enough to have no friendship with her rather than a $h1t friendship. It took a while to get there but I'm at the point now where I can see I'm far better off without her in my life.
Hard as it may be you need to apply this principle to anyone in your life who is giving you trouble. you may go through a lonely period at first but in time your new found confidence and esteem will attract better friends.