I think I just attract people that treat me badly, does anyone else feel that way?

PoppingCandy

I am fed up with it. I've posted before about having problems with my DH and family, all of whom don't treat me brilliantly.

And in addition to this I seem to attract friends that don't treat me well and are frenemies. I don't know if this is because I'm a bad judge of character, but I just seem to attract bullies and people that want to put me down or make me feel upset or excluded.

I will give some examples:

My so-called best friend at school was always unpleasant to me but in a frenemy-type way. I always lacked the confidence to tell her to get lost, and think I have always been the type to be grateful if someone likes me and put up with all kinds of rubbish. She did things such as exclude me from things, tell people I didn't like them, tell me that others didn't like me, that kind of thing. Just generally made school life difficult for me.

About 3 years ago I went on a night out with a group of mums I met at a local toddler group, and had got on well with. For some reason on the night one of the mums got really drunk and took a dislike to me and spent the whole night b*tching about me loudly to the other mums, pointing at me, laughing at me, and at the end of the night tried to slap me in the face. Everyone sided with her and no one stuck up for me.

I have for the past years been having nights out regularly with a group of casual friends. However a newcomer to that group has taken a dislike to me too and makes nasty comments loudly about me, takes the mickey out of me and does things such as engineer that everyone is going in one car except me so I end up going to nights out on my own whilst everyone else goes together. Again no one stands up to her. I've decided not to socialise with that group anymore because of it.

DD's best friend's mum was a 'frenemy' towards me for several years, bossing me around and making nasty comments disguised as compliments. Everything was fine as long as I was doing as she said. She also did things such as dominate conversations and if I was talking to anyone she would come up, put her back to me and engage them in conversation. Our friendship ended earlier this year when out of the blue, as I hadn't done as she wanted about something, she phoned me and gave me a few 'home truths' and was very very unkind to me. I told her to stuff her friendship and now ignore her.

And now I think I have another frenemy. DS's best friend's mum. I can see our friendship going the same way as the above friendship. I feel she is nice to my face but not behind my back and she treats me in a disrespectful way such as being an hour late to meet up with me then moaning if I am 2 minutes late to meet her. Or cancelling at the last minute and then going out with others.

I see a counsellor and she said I need to raise the bar over who I consider a friend and learn to keep the above types at arm's length but seriously I don't see those types of things happening to other people. I just want to get along with people. Everything seems to end in huge conflict for me, which I try to avoid but it seems I attract people that are determined to have a huge, dramatic 'showy' falling-out with me and then involve other people.

What do I do? I surely can't go through life never socialising with anyone but that is what I feel like doing right now.

aileth

I can't really help as to how to sort it, but my life has been very similar. I got so fed up with it now I only have one 'genuine' friend and have sodded the rest off as to be honest it's aggro I can't be bothered with. I'd love to go out with groups of friends, but I can't stand !!!!! club and gossip rumors.

My 'best' friend in school smack-talked me behind my back, we'd arrange to go to the cinema, I'd be halfway to the cinema and then she'd text me to say she couldn't be arsed so I'd either have to turn around or go by myself, told me that her dad had cancer then laughed at me with her other friends that I'd actually believed her, never included in the 'clique.'

Then when I grew up had a 'friend', she started a rumor that I was really bossy to my OH and wouldn't let him go out (OH has depression and I have to force him to meet with other friends, so I do the opposite of not letting him go out), but would say to my face 'I can't believe people would say that about you.'

She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and never got me a gift. I didn't expect a gift, but the other bridesmaids had organised a joint one between themselves which was so lovely and thoughtful. She was asked to contribute £5 apparently and fobbed it off cosntantly.

I stopped contact pretty soon after the wedding as she fell out with another of my friends and I was 'obviously' involved with their personal dealings.

So it's not just you I can't advise how you can combat this, except the way I did (which is rather depressing really) and don't bother with them!

Tiddlywinks

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I see a counsellor and she said I need to raise the bar over who I consider a friend and learn to keep the above types at arm's length but seriously I don't see those types of things happening to other people. I just want to get along with people.

Listen to your counsellor.

You have to like, understand and value yourself first and foremost.

Learn that you deserve respect and then ditch those that don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Don't try to be a 'people pleaser' all the time... do stuff for you... how about joining a night class / club in something you'd be really interested in? You'd get to meet lots of like minded people there PLUS they will only know the 'you' that they see on the night so that's a chance to make a fresh start with meeting new people as the new 'you'.

PoppingCandy

I think the main thing that upsets me is that these things just don't seem to happen to some people, or to most people even really. Or is it that lots of people are better at sussing people out and keeping them at arm's length?

I also worry because there seem to be so many unpleasant people around and I think it would be a bad thing if I alienated loads of people and would make me isolated.

ineed

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences, there are quite a lot of selfish, thoughtless, ignorant and nasty people about. It really isn't you, some people are nasty to others because they feel insecure and need to make themselves feel better about their own lives, which are often not great. Their insecurities are not your problem of course and they have no right to make you feel this way.

There are very nice people out there who will appreciate you and your friendship , hopefully when you've built up your confidence a bit you'll find some genuine friends. Good luck to you.

mucklebones

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I think it would be a bad thing if I alienated loads of people and would make me isolated.

I think it would be a good thing, most humans require alienating. At least you can rely on yourself. Nothing wrong with being a loner.

tea_lover

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I think the main thing that upsets me is that these things just don't seem to happen to some people, or to most people even really.

I think you'd be surprised at just how many people have encountered at least one of these types. I can think of several people who've started out at friends and then shown their true colours in similar ways to these, I'm sure most people can.

As others have said, the important thing is being able to value yourself. So that when idiots come along who try to get their kicks from making you feel bad you know that you deserve better, and can tell them where to go.

It really is their problem, not yours. But you need some belief in yourself to be able to see that. Hugs to you, it's horrible when people are nasty for no reason. Most of us grow out of it but some people never seem to!

Tiddlywinks

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I also worry because there seem to be so many unpleasant people around and I think it would be a bad thing if I alienated loads of people and would make me isolated.

Learn to be comfortable with yourself... better to enjoy your own company than be miserable in a group of unpleasant people surely?

Once you find out what makes you tick you'll be on the right track.

**professor~yaffle**

You may have been extraordinarily unlucky in your choice of friends (if 'choice' is even the right word, - at school you're pretty much stuck with people till you leave!). Or there may be something about the way you act around others that attracts these domineering, bullying types. Or it may be that the newcomer to the group sees you as a threat, perhaps they are jealous of you, and decides to try and exclude you.

I read this book a while ago which I found interesting, as it explains a little about certain personality types and how we may inadvertently attract people who are not very good for us. The title is a bit dated, imo, but there may be a copy of it at your local library. It's worth a read, even if you don't go along with everything that's in the book. It's basically about learning to be a bit more assertive.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373895687&sr=8-1&keywords=woman+in+your+own+right

(Btw Despite its title, you don't have to be a 'right-on' feminist to get something out of the book :rotfl: Even men have read it and have found it to be useful )

saterkey

I have found if you show weakness or tell people some of your faults it seems to go against you at a later date. I know one person that likes to repeat my negative stories/past back to me at regular intervals. Ive found its best to keep a distance, not say too much, if you feel they are talking about you, go up and ask if theres a problem, can you help. If a person comes in front of me when im talking she would get a serious finger in the back for being so rude, oops sorry was my handbag digging in your back, anyway as I was saying to the other lady and drown her out. Organise an outing yourself not inviting the lady at playgroup offering transport maybe. Keep plugging away, if one tactic doesn't work try another, I don't get involved with my kids friends parents as ive found it doesn't work well.
Easier said than done though I know

alleycat`

The only way people can make you feel bad about yourself is if you let them.

It takes some guts to actually say, "you know what, i'm not putting up with that".

Once people realise that you won't stand for it they either treat you right or they "jog on".

Quite often it is their own insecurity that means they have to lord it over someone else.