Separation in later life

DUTR

Errata wrote: »

Eh? Many older people spend 25 years on their own if their spouse kicks the bucket. I doubt they sit around for all those years feeling sad and depressed thinking about a family life they no longer have. And some of them may be out and about 5 days out of 7, not stuck in at home.

You are correct my parents divorced after the youngest got to 21, they are in their late 70s early eighties and you try finding them at home? always out and about.

marisco_2

indigobones wrote: »

There seems to be a rather sad new trend for older people , 60's and 70's, to separate. It is a case of "the children have left, we have nothing in common, we don't like each other very much". I know people are less likely to compromise over relationships than they were say 20 years ago, but I am wondering why. Surely it is possible to live together but lead separate lives with your own interests?

People lead such busy and driven lives, working at their careers, raising their children, running their homes and generally muddling through coping with all life's ups and downs. It can be all too easy to not focus on a relationship and gradually drift apart from a partner. So they then reach the point where they are beginning to wind down, approach retirement and realise they are going to be around each other so much more. This can bring home the sad realisation that they now have very little in common or anything in the way of shared interests.

From what I have seen the people who stay together and go the distance, make their relationship as much as a priority in their life as anything else. Having quality couple time on a regular basis, whether that be by going for walks, date nights, cooking together, having a good chat over a beer/glass of wine, snuggling up and watching a film. Anything really that enables them to maintain the strong connection with each other over the years, that brought them together in the first place.

I don't agree that people who have been married for a long time could revert to living together whilst leading separate lives. I think that would be awful and a constant reminder of just how much their relationship had broken down. Considering that in your 60s or 70s you could still have 20 or 30 years ahead of you, why would anyone choose to settle for such a lesser life?

tesuhoha

Errata wrote: »

Eh? Many older people spend 25 years on their own if their spouse kicks the bucket. I doubt they sit around for all those years feeling sad and depressed thinking about a family life they no longer have. And some of them may be out and about 5 days out of 7, not stuck in at home.

You can be at your most loneliest in the middle of a crowd of people.

dandelionclock30

Why should someone put up with a partner they can no longer stand at any age?
I know a woman who divorced her husband at 70, sold the house and with the proceeds went round the world. It caused a lot of upset as she had been married 50 odd years and her son and daughter were upset etc.
You only have one life and need to live it. These days people will not put up with being stuck with someone like in the 1950s.

harrys_nan

margaretclare wrote: »

Well, maybe 'be nice to newbies'...but I have rarely seen such a crass and ill-informed statement as the above.
How can you 'become friends' with someone with whom you discover you have little or nothing in common and can't bear to live with


Not everyone hates or even dislike their long time partner, I would think if you have just drifted apart you can still stay friends, you dont have to carry on being a"couple", Im still friends with my ex even though he had someone else, I havn't got time to be bitter, life is too short

Tygermoth

I have older parents that are presently splitting.

With them it was a number of issues.

My dad had a stroke and had a huge personality change (almost entirely a different person) pre stroke my dad doted on my mother after stroke wouldn't stand for her spending, dramas and drinking.

They both then became incompatible.

My mum was a alcoholic hot house flower. Didn't work, was petulant and spoiled and was pandered to. My dad a decent hard working chap who gave her anything she wanted. She only needed to imperiously point and it was hers. This worked for them for years...

Sadly neither of them deserved what happened she was a product of years of being put on a pedestal so has no clue how to fend for herself and he is not the man he was before the stroke and now is rudderless and lost (I feel)

As it is they both are terrible with money, awful with their personal relationships and dire with any type of responsibility i am looking to emigrate sharpish.

treeze

marisco wrote: »

People lead such busy and driven lives, working at their careers, raising their children, running their homes and generally muddling through coping with all life's ups and downs. It can be all too easy to not focus on a relationship and gradually drift apart from a partner. So they then reach the point where they are beginning to wind down, approach retirement and realise they are going to be around each other so much more. This can bring home the sad realisation that they now have very little in common or anything in the way of shared interests.

From what I have seen the people who stay together and go the distance, make their relationship as much as a priority in their life as anything else. Having quality couple time on a regular basis, whether that be by going for walks, date nights, cooking together, having a good chat over a beer/glass of wine, snuggling up and watching a film. Anything really that enables them to maintain the strong connection with each other over the years, that brought them together in the first place.

I don't agree that people who have been married for a long time could revert to living together whilst leading separate lives. I think that would be awful and a constant reminder of just how much their relationship had broken down. Considering that in your 60s or 70s you could still have 20 or 30 years ahead of you, why would anyone choose to settle for such a lesser life?

Marisco-whoever you are,you are my hero-you always say what I am thinking.:TI'm now in my fifties and seperated,later divorced after 26 years of marriage. It's very very hard and desperately lonely living with someone when neither of you love each other or have any closeness any more. Very soon,irritation sets in and we split as I didn't want to live my life that way. Before we did and I probably had an opportunity to "mend" things-agree to live together but seperately,I thought about whether I could do it...me,who was totally dependant on my husband-never paid a bill or had to be self-reliant.But I just couldn't do it...the staying would have been much worse. Yes,I agree,sometimes you may think about family life but I have to tell myself,that family life is OVER.Kids have grown up,they aren't sitting in my house,it really would be just me and him. People go on and live long lives now,who knows what new experiences waits for us ten or twenty years from now?:)

margaretclare

I completely agree with the last few posts.

Losing the love of your life - well, I thought I did love my first husband, but meeting DH aged 62 (both of us) was different. This is the love of my life. It's just different. Although from completely different backgrounds we were on the same wavelength from day one. I can't describe it. Maybe it's the difference between affection and love.

I was warned by several people I knew, women at the church I then went to: 'He's left 2 women before, he'll leave you when he gets tired of you. Why can't you be happy to be a widow, live on your memories?' To date, almost 16 years later, he shows no sign of leaving although I know he would if we weren't as happy together as we've been all this time.

One thing I've learned is that life is just too darned short, but equally, when an opportunity arises, you should go for it. There are risks, but a bigger risk is sitting back and saying 'oh I wish...'

ognum

indigobones wrote: »

I read in another thread of someone whose parents had separated and now both are depressed. There seems to be a rather sad new trend for older people , 60's and 70's, to separate. It is a case of "the children have left, we have nothing in common, we don't like each other very much". I know people are less likely to compromise over relationships than they were say 20 years ago, but I am wondering why. Surely it is possible to live together but lead separate lives with your own interests? The last 10 or so years of your life are likely to be dogged by ill health. Is it a case of the grass not always being greener? Has anyone or their parents separated when they were older? In contrast, a friend of mine has just happily re-married after many years as a widow.

This is the most rediculous post I have read in a long time and I can only believe is written by someone who is young and has beliefs of older people that has no basis in reality!

Older people are not dead from the neck down, many have excellent sex lives and great intimate relationships, why should they settle for a platonic relationship with someone they no longer want to be with.

I can only think it is because it is easier for the younger family, they don't have to think of their parents in new relationships or travelling the world enjoying life and spending what would have been their inheritence.

I suggest you look at depression among separated couples in general, I am sure you will find a greater proportion of younger people with depression who have just come out of a broken relationship.

believe me people in their 60s and 70s are variable just as they ae at any age. their are couples of all ages in bad relationships who would be better alone.

to the OP I hope you can open your eyes to the wide variety of people of all ages!

thorsoak

Friends of friends have just divorced after 35 years of marriage. The wife is extremely sociable and gregarious, and the husband, although a lovely man, does not like going out, socialising, having people round to the house, doing anything spontaneous and since retiring, had been trying to control his wife's socialising.

She decided that she could not foresee a happy retirement and has filed for divorce.