Separation in later life

indigobones

I read in another thread of someone whose parents had separated and now both are depressed. There seems to be a rather sad new trend for older people , 60's and 70's, to separate. It is a case of "the children have left, we have nothing in common, we don't like each other very much". I know people are less likely to compromise over relationships than they were say 20 years ago, but I am wondering why. Surely it is possible to live together but lead separate lives with your own interests? The last 10 or so years of your life are likely to be dogged by ill health. Is it a case of the grass not always being greener? Has anyone or their parents separated when they were older? In contrast, a friend of mine has just happily re-married after many years as a widow.

Errata

Surely it is possible to live together but lead separate lives with your own interests?

Why on earth would anyone want to do that?

harrys_nan

Errata wrote: »

Why on earth would anyone want to do that?

because at that age you can become friends instead, rather than live alone.
Be nice to newbies

System

Maybe they would prefer to live on their own.

Hermia

indigobones wrote: »

Surely it is possible to live together but lead separate lives with your own interests?

That would only work if both partners are in agreement though. I imagine in a lot of cases one partner would agree to this, but would secretly want a 'proper' marriage to continue. And how would one react if the other starting dating again?

I think when people retire they can no longer ignore their partner's faults. When your partner is out of the house 40+ hours a week it can be easier to ignore that they are a bit of a bully/unpleasant/dull or that you have nothing in common any more. When you are suddenly spending all day with them you can't ignore that any more.

lostinrates

I'm guessing its my parents?

Tbh they had been living somewhat separate lives as friends for sometime. . One wanted to split the other didn't really, but both were unhappy together and both are unhappy apart. .

Really it would have been better had they split very many years ago, but it was already a later in life marriage for the time.

There was never going to be a magic ending for my parents, but I hope there remains hope they can find content ment . I just cannot quite figure out what it might be yet!

margaretclare

harrys_nan wrote: »

because at that age you can become friends instead, rather than live alone.

Well, maybe 'be nice to newbies'...but I have rarely seen such a crass and ill-informed statement as the above.

How can you 'become friends' with someone with whom you discover you have little or nothing in common and can't bear to live with?

'Being friends' presupposes being on the same wavelength, having shared interests, being courteous to each other, enjoying conversation, respecting each other's viewpoint, being able to have a joke and laugh together. 'Trust and Respect' as my DH is always saying, and he should know - he's the survivor of 2 divorces and we remarried in our mid-60s.

If I was in a marriage where 'we didn't like each other very much, we had nothing in common' I wouldn't stick around just because of age. Either I'd be gone, or he would be. And don't think I wouldn't do it. I walked out on my first marriage after a few weeks in the days when that really wasn't the done thing. We got together a couple of years later, but the fact that I'd done it shook everyone rigid.

tesuhoha

I should think that when you are old it would be really sad and depressing to live alone. All you would think about was the family life that you once had, especially if you were stuck in some little flat somewhere.

tesuhoha

margaretclare wrote: »

Well, maybe 'be nice to newbies'...but I have rarely seen such a crass and ill-informed statement as the above.

How can you 'become friends' with someone with whom you discover you have little or nothing in common and can't bear to live with?

'Being friends' presupposes being on the same wavelength, having shared interests, being courteous to each other, enjoying conversation, respecting each other's viewpoint, being able to have a joke and laugh together. 'Trust and Respect' as my DH is always saying, and he should know - he's the survivor of 2 divorces and we remarried in our mid-60s.

If I was in a marriage where 'we didn't like each other very much, we had nothing in common' I wouldn't stick around just because of age. Either I'd be gone, or he would be. And don't think I wouldn't do it. I walked out on my first marriage after a few weeks in the days when that really wasn't the done thing. We got together a couple of years later, but the fact that I'd done it shook everyone rigid.

My last comment was just a random thought and not in reply to this post.

Errata

tesuhoha wrote: »

I should think that when you are old it would be really sad and depressing to live alone. All you would think about was the family life that you once had, especially if you were stuck in some little flat somewhere.

Eh? Many older people spend 25 years on their own if their spouse kicks the bucket. I doubt they sit around for all those years feeling sad and depressed thinking about a family life they no longer have. And some of them may be out and about 5 days out of 7, not stuck in at home.

Lunar_Eclipse

Errata wrote: »

Eh? Many older people spend 25 years on their own if their spouse kicks the bucket. I doubt they sit around for all those years feeling sad and depressed thinking about a family life they no longer have. And some of them may be out and about 5 days out of 7, not stuck in at home.

It really depends on personality and perhaps how much love was contained in the marriage.

Both sets of my grandparents faced this situation. One did sit around feeling sad and depressed until she died about 15 years later. The other hasn't quite done the same, consciously anyway, although she is plagued by heartbreak and does actually just want to die too (they were inseparable, soul mates and married for a very long time.) She does get out, has a reasonable social life, but is still sad and lonely a lot of the time (but not depressed, miserable and slightly bitter like my other grandmother was.) Losing the love of your life is just too much for some people to get over.