Relationship advice desperately needed please

FBaby

It sounds like resentment has taken the lead role in your relationship. You resent him for not prioritising his free time with you, and he resents you for the pressure you put on him. This leads to bickering and argument that makes you feel insecure and therefore keen to get this move together underway, whilst he is starting to feel the pressure and is starting to question whether the move is the right thing to do, and so makes him slow down, which makes you question his commitment and your relationship as a result.

I've been there with my partner. Not an issue with children, but the matter of commitment vs pressure. It's been tough and at times, I know we both questions whether we should continue with the relationship. Things got better when 1- we finally did move in together after 18 months of planning it, and 2- when he finally asked me to marry him after another 18 months since we first agreed that's what we wanted.

Now that I am reassured of his commitment, I have stepped off the pressure and because he doesn't feel pressured any longer, he is happy and fully trusting. We got there, but it was a hard long road, mainly due to having been both betrayed in the past, learnt to be protective of our feelings and struggle to let go and trust again. Good luck.

CactusFlower

Thank you all for your responses so far, FBaby - you are so right, I do resent him for some things as I am sure he does me.

I feel under pressure to move but know that if I uproot my whole life I am going to feel very isolated in a new place with my kids, especially if things do not work out and that is a massive concern that I have, that things will not change.

Its ok for him because he would stay on there and I think that he would still be ok if we split up because I don't feel he is giving anything up and I feel like I am having to give up loads like my home, my friends, my kids schools and the rest.

He would still be travelling back to see his kids on a weekend as it would be too much of a trek to pick them up and bring them to the new place, so he would most likely stay at his mums with the kids over the weekend.

We are not talking to each other at the moment and because we have argued every time we have tried to sit down and talk things through, he point blank refuses to sit down and discuss anything. He thinks that we don't have problems (I think we do) he thinks its just the circumstances, but circumstances can take a long time to change and I am not sure of we have enough time.

CH27

Why are you not allowed to see his children?

No way would I uproot my children for him when he is so uncommitted.

marisco_2

Your current lifestyle set up seems to be putting a lot of additional stress and strain on your relationship with this man. I don't get the impression though that you have a lot of faith in things working out or lasting, even when you have adjusted how you live and the dynamics of your relationship. I was shocked that his ex refuses to allow you to have any contact with his children. I don't see how having that kind of restriction imposed can possibly bode well for a long term relationship with someone.

Whilst you feel so unsure about how things will develop between you both, I think it would be unwise to uproot yourself and your children. Far better to wait until you feel totally secure with him, before even considering moving away from a nice area, where your children attend a great school and you have a good social network.

FBaby

Unfortunately, it is quite common for one in a relationship to have more to lose than the other. In getting married, my partner takes a big financial risk as he is wealthier than I. He has already lost big time first time married, so it is a massive proof of his love and trust in me to do it again when really he doesn't have to.

You can't resent him because he is risking to lose less by moving in with you than you. You however can expect him to appreciate that it is the case and to show you his dedication and commitment to your relationship.

Getting to that stage when you can't talk is not good. My partner absolutely hates 'serious discussions' and will do everything to avoid it, which has a way of winding me up. However, once it all comes out and we go quiet for a bit, we always do end up talking calmly somehow (more than he is comfortable with, less than I am!) and move forward.

I personally think that this situation with his kids is not right. Whatever the circumstances, he should be totally open with you about it and showing to make an effort to move towards the direction of them getting to know you. He has to accept that it is not right to commit to a joint property yet not commit to introducing each other in your family. Doesn't he want to do things with you during the week-ends too?

paddy's_mum

CactusFlower wrote: »

I ... give up ... my home, my friends, my kids schools

Forgive me, Cactus Flower, but I seem to have missed the bit where you told us what, EXACTLY, he is sacrificing in order to sustain this relationship which is (I assume) extremely valuable and important to him.

CactusFlower

I do not think he is sacrificing anything really....!

As for his children, in the beginning of our relationship when his ex found out about it that is, she refused to let him see the kids for months and months and months because she is spiteful, his own family (mum, sisters) were not even allowed to see them, if they did she would immediately revoke access and all the rest so it was easier just to keep it all separate for the sake of him being able to see his kids, sometimes one really does have to rise above certain things however hard that may be....

So that part of things is just accepted really, we dont discuss it or anything really, his own mum has only just started seeing her grandchildren, I know it all sounds ridiculous but its just easier this way, trust me.

If we move, the house would be only in my name as its my house that is the asset, so I would be the only one with the mortgage.

Over the past two years the only time time we have spent the weekend together is when we have been on holiday abroad and even then his ex kicked up such a stink about the whole thing like she had been put out, sad but true.

I want to feel totally secure but I never do cos we always end up having words.

In the past he has been really there for me and really helped me through some dark times and I will always be indebted to him for that, but sometimes I feel like he is not the man I fell in love with anymore.

A massive massive part of me loves him to bits....but is love really enough?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Remind me what the point of the move would be?

Lunar_Eclipse

Other posters have said wise words.

Mine is not to disrupt your kids too much, at the present time, under the (relationship) circumstances. There is no way I would change their school. If you can move without doing that, I'd consider it as a last resort at working things out, although I don't really see how it will help much.

Otherwise, it would be far better for him to change jobs than your children to change schools. I only say this in case things don't work out, your children don't settle and then you are faced with a worse situation in 6/12 months time. Having said that, it might depend on how old your children are. If they are very young (<7?) they will easily adapt, but much older and I feel they really need peer group stability under the circumstances.

Good luck. I feel for you but can't see the move being the solution. It sounds like you need to figure out how to get some weekend time together instead.

Also, moving house is stressful! The move could negate any good outcome.

Lunar_Eclipse

Ignore my last post. To be honest, I don't think moving area at this point in time is going to help in the slightest. I think all it could do is make things an awful lot worse, with no support group, friends, familiarity etc.