Relationship advice desperately needed please

CactusFlower

HI all, I am new to this site and just would really love if you could offer some sound advice on my situation please.

I have been in a relationship for about 6 years now, but I have 2 children from a previous relationship as does he.

We both own our own houses and he uses his on a weekend when he sees his kids (long story but his ex is horrible) and the rest of the time he stays at mine. We live about 20 miles from each other anyway.

A couple of years ago he found a new job which required him to travel quite far so he leaves really early and and does not get back until after 8.30 each night.

I work full time too and pretty much do everything as he is never around due to work. We spend every weekend apart as he spends time with his kids and has them overnight (because of his ex I am not allowed contact with his kids)

The problems in the relationship I think are due to the lack of time we spend together, we argue and fight so much but are madly in love with each other too. Its hard because I feel I am on my own most of time and have to do everything alone and I always feel so tired and whatnot, its just hard to explain too I guess. And so we argue and bicker and that escalates into bigger arguements and it is all a waste of time but really difficult to stop going down that path.

Anyway we decided that we would move closer to work and both sell up and live together and things would then be great, but my concern is that whilst I scrimp and save for the move and the new house and so on, he is happy just to spend his money as he wishes, he is not bothered about what he sells his house for (its in negative equity) and he will not be getting another mortgage and I feel like I am the only one making the effort, my kids go to great schools in a great area and they have lovely friends etc and I would be uprooting them to move to somewhere I dont know, for a relationship that I worry will not change if I make the move. When I tell him my concerns he just says that I cant have it all and need to make sacrifices somewhere, we both know the relationship is not currently working as it is.

I just dont know whether I should walk away from him for good or give it one last shot???

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

dancingfairy

I can understand your concerns as it does sound one way at the moment. What sort of contribution would you like from him? financial, emotional support?
What can you do to protect yourself in terms of getting the house in your name etc?
Lots to think about for you.
df

Pee

What do you get out of this relationship?

It seems to be as if financially and practically you are on your own with your children with a few moments of snatched romance and good times with a man you fancy and whose comapny you enjoy.

I suspect that you could do better.

If there is anything he could change whereby he would be helping you, and not you moving nearer him, changing a house and taking on a new mortgage without any imput from him, then let him know and see what he does.

I expect part of the reason you are posting here is to confirm your own opinion that you don't have to put up with this. You don't.

If you want to give it one last shot then both of you need to remember it is much better to be happy than right.

kitty_cat_2

Hi Cactus

after 6 years of being in a relationship why are you not allowed to see his children?? Horrible ex or not this really needs to be sorted out as she is impacting on YOUR life. If you live together you will have to spend time with them anyway, or does your partner expect to move into a hotel every weekend?

As a temporary solution what about your partner renting out his housea and moving in with you and you children and his children stay over at weekends? May be a bit chaotic to start, but you will have more time to spend together. Perhaps you can then decide if selling both houses to live together is a good option?

Hope you work it out

kk

balletshoes

If you both continue to have the same work hours and your OH continues to be away all weekend every weekend , what exactly is going to change for the better if you move house?

System

Anyway we decided that we would move closer to work and both sell up and live together and things would then be great, but my concern is that whilst I scrimp and save for the move and the new house and so on, he is happy just to spend his money as he wishes, he is not bothered about what he sells his house for (its in negative equity)

When I tell him my concerns he just says that I cant have it all and need to make sacrifices somewhere

Err.... what is he sacrificing?

AndyPK

He shouldn't spend every weekend with the kids.
Or not both days.
If you could change that you might get a better idea of your relationship.

System

He shouldn't spend every weekend with the kids.

I cant see anything wrong with him spending every weekend with his kids but not at the expense of his relationship.

Is there a valid reason why you both cant spend time with his kids?

paulineb_2

If its the only time he gets with the kids, then he should spend time with them, their routine is important

The bigger issue is that he needs to put his foot down with his ex and make it clear that you are part of his life and that you have the right to see his children or that his kids will be staying with both of you when you move home.

Errata

a) You've got someone who isn't prepared to plan for the future and saving for it
b) Negative equity can mean he will be pursued for the shortfall when the house is sold.
c) He spends a couple of hours with you every evening before bedtime and you use that time argueing and fighting.
d) Loving each other madly is the iceing on the cake, but where are the bricks and mortar

Joons

It doesn't bode well does it, if there was a way he could live with you then try it and see, I wouldn't be moving in with him either until the situation about you being in the company of his kids is resolved, what is the problem there? You clearly want more commitment from this man and you are entitled to after nearly 6 years together, it's up to him to provide it and put you first for a change, ie, tell the ex this is my life long partner now, we live together so if you want me to have the kids overnight, they will see her, sorry, it's difficult without knowing why after all this time the ex has banned you from seeing them.