Struggling :-(

Kitiara

OK .. question for you ......

What would happen if you were to find out tomorrow you were pregnant, how would you cope then? While I don't advocate having children you really REALLY can't afford, if we all waited until we could afford children, there would be far fewer members of the human race.

Pee

If you really both want children you will find a way.

As someone who probably left it too late and wasn't willing to have children except where both parties were fully commited to the idea - not because I think badly of single mothers but because I know that I am too lazy to be one - I have to say that my relationship is more important to me than having children. (We are trying, just not very successfully and I am not interested in IVF. We started trying when I was in my mid thirties...I'm now 39.)

It seems that his lack of confidence or even of ambition is holding him back. You need to talk about this. If you can even consider leaving him and starting again he deserves to know a) what you need from him b) how important this is to you and c) what your breaking point is.

Is he prepared to be a stay at home dad? Financially that seems your best option. If you wouldn't get family tax credit, presumably you are earning pretty good money and an SOA may help?

Jasminder

I'm going to sit down tonight and sort out our SOA.

He is away the rest of the week, so I have time to sort out in my mind what I need to say to him. I am very clear about what I want from him, but the only response I get is a shrug. He isn't great at communicaiton but I need more from him.

lostinrates

Is there any chance you can both find work near each other out of London reducing travel and living costs?


If you would seriously consider leaving him to start a family after a year and with the pressures of a stressful first year of marriage is the relationship strong enough for parent hood? (Rhetorical, I don't expect you to bare your soul, just posing the question for your benefit)

If he is shrugging and not communicating what will happen with communication about child raising issues? Perhaps how you both communicate needs to be the first issue resolved? You are very clear about what you want from him, are you hearing what he wants from you? Is he saying it?

It is possible to raise children with one parent working away. My parents did it, if my husband and I had had children we would have had to do it to. It works best if the relationship is strong and happy, but what doesn't!? But lots of jobs mean lots of travel, whether its a couple of nights a week of longer months away at a time. It can work very well.

Jasminder

My salary would halve if I worked nearer home, I used to work locally and almost spent as long travelling in traffic and paying for petrol parking etc as I do commuting to London.

No, I don't want to leave him, but his lack of concern about my feelings, needs and wants, is pushing me to the edge. How long do I wait for someone to buck their ideas up? He has about 3-6 months left to complete his course, but then he has no more excuses to find a new job, but I fear he will find some other reason not to look for a new job.

He just says he wants to be with me, and he is happy with the two of us, or if we decide to have children he would be happy too. He is very indifferent about it all to be honest.

The difficultly is he would be working away, and I would be doing a 4 hour a day commute - therefore nursery costs are well over £1k a month, which we don't have to spare.

It just feels like one giant mess which I can't unravel.

Kayalana99

Just wondering if you DM what your salary is and what your husbands is? It would have to be pretty high for you only to be entitled to just the basic child benifit although you are working in London...

FatVonD

4 hours a day travelling is excessive, which side of London do you work? (You don't have to be specific, just the nearest mainline train station.)

I appreciate you can't afford to live in central London but there are cheaper areas within a half hour commute, say South Norwood into London Bridge or Victoria, New Malden into Waterloo.

Netwizard

Sounds to me like he only wants to go along with the kids idea to keep you happy really.

lostinrates

Jasminder wrote: »

My salary would halve if I worked nearer home, I used to work locally and almost spent as long travelling in traffic and paying for petrol parking etc as I do commuting to London.
this is our situation too. . Yet people DO choose to live on local salaries and raise children fabulously
No, I don't want to leave him, but his lack of concern about my feelings, needs and wants, is pushing me to the edge. How long do I wait for someone to buck their ideas up? He has about 3-6 months left to complete his course, but then he has no more excuses to find a new job, but I fear he will find some other reason not to look for a new job. you see lack of concern for your wants, that's fair, tbh, I also wonder if there is a little for his, regardless of what he says. Have you told him you feel so badly you feel close to leaving?

He just says he wants to be with me, and he is happy with the two of us, or if we decide to have children he would be happy too. He is very indifferent about it all to be honest.
indifferent? It doesn't sound a great place to start parent hood from.
The difficultly is he would be working away, and I would be doing a 4 hour a day commute - therefore nursery costs are well over £1k a month, which we don't have to spare.

It just feels like one giant mess which I can't unravel.

I think you are right that your best bet is your soa.

If you can get your debt out of the way or down and really look hard at choices then. It might be a salary drop is the best of the other difficult choices facing you, but these are all finger in the air choices ATM. And very premature. .

Good luck.

lostinrates

FatVonD wrote: »

4 hours a day travelling is excessive, which side of London do you work? (You don't have to be specific, just the nearest mainline train station.)

I appreciate you can't afford to live in central London but there are cheaper areas within a half hour commute, say South Norwood into London Bridge or Victoria, New Malden into Waterloo.

Not so uncommon. I live about an hour and a half train journey outside London and many people daily commute. Once in their mainline station they have to get the tube connection they need, then the bit beaten him and train and tube and office.....

For us its a no brained its cheaper for DH to lodge in London (and a requirement of his employer he remains roughly within m25 mon to fri)