Struggling :-(

Jasminder

Hi all,

I have been married just over a year. We have had a really tough year to be honest. Have struggled to get a grip on our sprialling debt (and although we are in a much better place now, we are still fighting that battle to get credit cards and loans battered down). My husband was smoking behind my back (and wasting money I was working hard to put towards debt) which we have now resolved. Although I am still struggling to trust him with this.

The biggest problem is that we both want children, my husband is younger than me (I am mid 30s) and although we both have reasonable jobs and incomes, and our outgoings are more than covered, we are in no position to consider having children. My work only offer statutory maternity, and therefore I would need to back full time within 3 months, and then would have the cost of childcare (and I am out of the house for more than 13 hours a day) and am the breadwinner in our household.

My husband is part way through a course (which we have funded) to massively improve his chances of getting a better job (he currently works away between 2 - 4 nights a week), but he seems in no particular rush to do this, and doesn't seem overly convinced in his abilities to work anywhere else (he has been at the same job since school). He does work incredibly hard. I appreciate that, but I know he is underpaid and undervalued and can achieve so much more in the right environment.

I just don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to even work out if we could ever be in a position to have children, if I could at least work out what we would need to do there would be some choice. At the moment I feel resigned to it never happening, as I am not getting any younger, and don't really want to be in my 40s having babies.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to end up resenting my husband because of his job situation. So we came to the conclusion that we wouldn't have children and we would carry on as we are. But I am hurting and mourning the family I thought I would have but my husband thinks I should just accept this and get on with it.

To add insult to injury, my sister is pregnant, and I am pleased and excited for her - but it is kind of tearing me apart - I slap on a grin daily, but sometimes it just all gets too much.

Sorry for the rant - I just didn't know where to turn or what to do.

FatVonD

Would you consider the option of your husband being a stay at home dad?

Could you move closer to work to cut down your hours (if some of your 13 hours is travelling time.) Could you change your job (you would barely see the baby with your current hours!)

Try putting figures into a benefits calculator to see what you'd be entitled to if you were living on only your husband's wage.

Jasminder

I would consider that, problem being, we can't pay everything on just one salary. He would have to work somewhere, and his job unfortunatley means lots of travel. Promotion means slightly more money and more travel :-( I don't think he would want to give up work, as he has just started to further his career with the study and he potentially can earn a lot more than me, when he qualifies and then gets his backside in gear to find a new job.

I work in London so get paid quite well, but there is no way we could afford to move closer to London. We couldn't even afford a 1 bed flat :-(

I just feel like it is a complete and utter mess - and I don't know what to do.

Amanda65

You say you both want children but does your husband REALLY? He's in no rush to finish a course to give you a potentially better life, doesn't seem to be suggesting any compromises (as suggested by FatVonD and which all seem reasonable) and appears to have given in to no children very easily. Could this be his get out clause for not wanting to start a family - at least not yet?

I love my husband dearly and cannot imagine being without him but always wanted children too and am not sure I could have stayed if he didn't - thankfully he did and we somehow financially muddled through. It's been really tough at times but we coped because we both wanted the same outcome. Perhaps you and OH need to sit down and find out if it's what you both truly want.

Jasminder

I just did a calculation, without him working we would be entitled to £20.30 a week :-O

FatVonD

What about without you working?

Jasminder

My husband really does want kids. Maybe because he is younger, he doesn't understand my need to plan ahead a little. I don't have the luxury of waiting around too long.

I think his reluctance with the job/exams etc is more to do with a severe lack of confidence. He is scared of moving jobs and probably doesn't think he is capable of doing a better paid job (although it is probably exactly the same as he is doing now). He isn't very good at selling himself and hates calling agencies etc. so is finding the process of job hunting and rejection really hard to deal with.

I am kind of at a cross roads. Last week I said to him I would be happy as long as we are together, and if that means no children, then so be it. But after that has settled in my mind, I am not sure I can live with the reality of never having kids. I love him with all my heart, but would I be better cutting my losses now and finding someone who could be in a better financial situation.

I just feel heartbroken by the whole situation.

Jasminder

And without me working we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage after 3 month stat maternity leave.

FatVonD

I'm the wrong person to be posting on these type of threads so please feel free to disregard everything I say :rotfl: but...

the other option is to sell your home, pay off your debts and move into rented accommodation for which benefits would pay the rent.

I didn't actually say it was a sensible option (and on another thread I will probably be slagging you off for having babies that the taxpayer has to support!) but the 'time running out on fertility/desperately want a baby' threads are all a bit too close to home for me

Amanda65

Jasminder wrote: »

I love him with all my heart, but would I be better cutting my losses now and finding someone who could be in a better financial situation.

I just feel heartbroken by the whole situation.

And you would still have to meet someone, decide you love them enough to have babies with them etc, so not a real option.

What about thinking outside the box a little. What do you and your husband do for work? Would there be potential for you to set up a business at home and earn that way for a couple of years, just until your OH had got himself on a better footing work wise? Childminding? Bar / restaurant work in the evening? At various points I have sold party plan goods (cookery stuff, make up, clothes) just to keep our heads above water.

sulkisu

I see two main issues here - your finances and your relationship.

Starting with the finances, it would be helpful if you could provide figures, either by posting up an SOA or just else a rough idea of your current respective incomes and outgoings, mortgage etc. You might have to compromise on certain things, but with two of you in the house it should be possible to afford a family. However it is hard to advise you without knowing how much money is involved. Also you mention that your husband is part way through a course, can you be more specific. How long should it take to complete?

Regarding your relationship, there seems to be a complete lack of communication and honesty. You want children, you say that he wants children, but then you say that you have agreed that you won't have any and even though this is tearing you apart your husband wants you to just get over it. You need to be honest with him and you need to find out whether or not he does really want a family, because to be honest, it doesn't sound as if he does.