Waiting to start a family has reached fever pitch

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

ilovelondontown wrote: »

I don't really know why I'm posting this since there isn't really any advice anyone can give me so it's more a rant than anything else, so feel free to click "back" if you don't fancy indulging me

I've previously posted that my DH and I are currently paying down debt and spending the first year of marriage together before we start a family. (Not in a DMP or otherwise, just want stop using credit as though it's a normal or healthy financial habit.)

The trouble is, I'm starting to find myself questioning why we are waiting ttc. I'm 29 and DH is 32, we've been together for 5.5 years and married for 8 months. I keep thinking it's nice to have the luxury of sleeping in, going out on a Friday night to the pub and all the other things that come with not having kids, except none of the things that used to give me a buzz do anymore. The hangovers don't seem worth it, a lie-in leaves me twitching to get up and do something- but usually I spend most of the weekend trying to find something to entertain myself with.

I'm starting to get a sense of emptiness in my life- which sounds like a cliche! I'd never have imagined saying myself!

I keep trying to explain this to my DH but he's adamant that we should stick to the plan, but he seems rather naïve about the fact we could come up against complications in the ttc journey. Bless his uneducated mind, he think's this will take one night one time..... :rotfl:

I don't want to force him into this decision, I think we should both be ready, but I'm really starting to struggle with waiting and I'm running out of reasoning. I never dreamed about a big wedding or travelling the world but I've always wanted to be a mother, always, knew it was something I'd want to do if the circumstances were right and they are so right now, so why I am I still waiting!

Ummm...that sounds like you think you might want a baby because you're bored and want something to do.


Perhaps you need to think about a different way of presenting this to your OH?

Lou67

Hi ILLT.

I must say that if you wait until you can afford a baby, you will NEVER have one. You are still young-ish, but IMO, once you get past 30, you are pushing it a bit. Especially if you want more than one child.

Start trying NOW. You are nearly 30, you have been married long enough, and as I said, if you wait until you can afford it; it will never happen!

Good luck

sweetilemon

I totally understand how you feel! I've had to hold back the tears reading your post. I've been married a year, would have a baby now if I could. We live in a very small flat with no room for a baby. Before TTC DH (and I do agree) would like a house and be a bit more financial stable before having a baby. We know we wont get what we want for the flat we have so its not on the market and not sure what will happen with job location in near future and there is no property we really want for what we can afford.
December really isn't long aslong as you def know thats when it is. I dont have a 'date' to work towards which I find upsetting and hard because I feel we both work sooo hard and are worrying about making sure we have a stable situation before starting a family and I find myself being furstrated seeing so many woman just getting pregnant and being given houses and benefits with no consideration (i know this isnt how it is for many).

I see the logic and in my head to build the nest first, its what I want too but my heart breaks everytime I think about it. I just dont want to run out of time & regret it.

Anyway, sorry, in support, December is not long and goodluck!

heartbreak_star

I'm with Jojo - it does sound like you want a child because you're bored, which is why I suggested a new hobby.

My mum was always quite independent - she had hobbies and interests when I was a kid and I've grown up like that too, whereas my friend WAS her mum's hobby and I find that a bit odd.

I think you are being very sensible in paying off your debts first, if I'm honest - but maybe do start "preparing yourself for pregnancy" - get plenty of exercise, take folic acid, maybe even start stashing a few bits of maternity clothing so you're ready and don't have to buy everything in one go?

December isn't that far away

HBS x

ilovelondontown

Thanks again all, it’s really interesting to get some insight into what others thing about waiting vs. not waiting.

I hope I haven’t come across sounding bored :eek: – that’s not it at all, I just meant that all the things people say you should enjoy before you have children don’t quite fullfil me any more. I have a lot of hobbies - I read, go to the gym and take regular bike rides, visit my family and spent a lot of time with my husband and my friends, I’ve just come to realise I’m truly ready for this chapter in my life, I’m happy commit to the responsiblities that having children bring.

I think like it or not I will be waiting until December, although the suggestions get myself ready with taking folic acid etc does sound like a good plan. I already go to the gym a lot, so I’ll maintain this and will perhaps rethink some of my current habits that would need to change, such as avoiding coffee and sushi… I know it’ll take a while to wean myself off my beloved coffee!

Sweetilemon believe it or not, it actually comforts me to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. You describe exactly how I feel- there’s this horrible line of will I run out of time? The line between being sensible and preparing as much as you can to bring a child into a financially secure environment and getting to the point where you’ve waited too long and can’t conceive. It’s a debate I have in my head almost every day at the moment.

Birdie85

I don't think it's a case of being 'bored', more just being ready for the next stage of your life. My DH and I felt like you do - not being bothered about going out much anymore, wishing we had children to take out on a weekend etc, I think it just means that you've made space in your life for a child to fit into.

There's never a right time to have a baby, we started trying before we felt like we had everything truly sorted, for which I'm thankful as it took us 20 months to actually concieve! I'm still early on in my pregnancy but it's nice to know that we have until February to sort ourselves out, babies take a long time to arrive so it's not like things will suddenly change overnight!

To make the wait more bearable, start tracking your cycles and figuring out your fertile days, take folic acid, start up a new exercise regime to give you something to focus on, maybe start redecorating and doing those little jobs around the house that never seem to get seen to. Oh and if you can afford it, have a little holiday together!

FatVonD

I think you should wait until December, taking folic acid and changing your method of contraceptive (if you are on the pill/implants) but if he tries to postpone it further come December then you need to have a serious talk.

I was with someone for 7 years that kept postponing, in the end we split up. By the time I had met my first husband and was TTC I was 35 and infertile. The ex's next 2 girlfriends both got pregnant 'accidentally' within a year of us splitting up.

Not saying that's going to happen to you, of course, but men can afford to delay more than women can and maybe you need to point that out to him, don't ever put your fertility in the hands of a man

sweetilemon

P.S. I get the 'bored' comment...it's not so much bored as a 'if I had a child I could take them here, would do this with them, wouldn't be on a night out but tucking my baby to bed'. I think it all the time. I have loads to occupy my time and very busy, just its more a thought of how you would forsee making time for a family.