Childcare / Family Relations Dilemma

Errata

Blimey, if I were you I'd be throwing rocks though windows.
Not sure if I've missed something or misunderstood, but why don't you tell Homestart to take a hike? Take back control, take total responsibility for doing the best for your little one through good and reliable childcare arrangments and a good and satisfactory career for yourself, and tell the lot of them to &^$£%$££ etc etc. Good luck.

Jo6673

Elle83 wrote: »

Oh yes, tears and raised voice included.

Do you know I really do feel ten times better for that!

I'm going to sit and do a little crafting and get an early night now. I finally became pain free late last night (though still only slept 2hrs for some reason!) so finally, I am looking forward to shutting off from all this stress and having a good old fashioned night's sleep!!!

Well we think you are a star and are here to support you!
Good luck - you deserve better than his poxy family hanging on you back- make the most of your new job and bl**dy well show the lot of em!:T

beard0609

First well done you for getting the job.. you deserve it
Second... Do what YOU want get the child minder for the 5 days or you can better money on it in about a months time you will be on here saying home many times they have let you down...
Third.. It will be stressfull enough for you starting a new job without the extra worry so..
Tell the Grandparents that, that is what they are Grandparents not your littles boys parent and you have managed very successfull for the past 20 months and you will manage very successfull for the next 20 years!!!

Kimitatsu

Firstly dont feel guilty!

You are quite right, you are a mum and a person in your own right. You also have every right to feel frustrated, many of us here have perfectly good qulifications which have not been dimmed by child birth and are perfectly capable of being a mum and going out to work!

However having said that to coin a phrase dont throw the baby out with the bathwater, grandparents are useful to have in your sons life and it may well be that they are only hearing one side of the story - its amazing how many parents can be fooled!

if I were you, then book your child into the CM 5 days a week regardless and put his name down for the nursery onsite - you can always turn the place down if it comes up anyway. Explain to your ex and his parents that you have done this for the continuity of care, but if they wish to take him out now and then, given adequate notice (and stipulate the time frame) they are more than welcome to do so. If they ring up on the off chance then politely decline, point out arrangements have been made, and remind them of the time frame. It might take a few goes but eventually they will get the message that you and your son are not to be messed with and will respect you more for it in the long run.

As he gets older then, it may well be that you can let them pick him up after school on certain days or he can go for a sleepover with them, because you DO have the right to a social life. As a mum if you dont look after yourself you cant look after him properly either.

As for the Home Start woman, tell her that you are not cutting anyone out of his life but as she should know child protection comes before everything, and he needs to be safe until you get to him and when everyone else proves that they can do that, then you will be happy.

Enjoy your job, you did really well to get it, and you need the outside stimulation of other people.

Chin up, you show 'em!

:T :A

Janepig

Oh Elle you poor thing. I think you should tell that interfereing woman to stick her homestart where the sun don't shine, and book that childminder full-time. We're talking about a mummy's boy here (your ex, not your lovely DS) and you're on a loser from the off with them. See for years our mums have been the butt of the mil jokes, but I tell you, it's the male partner's mums you need to watch out for. They're far far worse. Listen, if they think that your son is "your problem" then fine, you call the shots and you decide how he'll be brought up. You go girl!!!!

Jxx

Loretta

Elle83 wrote: »

You will not BELIEVE this. :mad: I am SO SO SO SO SO ANGRY!!! :mad:

ex-FIL rang Home Start on Sunday night before swanning off on his holiday and left an message on their answer machine to say that I, yes I, had backed out of "the agreements" and that they were concerned for son's welfare as I had said to ex I had had enough of waiting for him on Saturday when he is supposed to turn up every week and was going back to bed.

I REALLY WISH I COULD SWEAR HERE

Yes I bloody well wanted to go back to bed; I had been ignored and abandoned by the lot of them for TEN DAYS to struggle to care for my active toddler whilst running on an average of three of four hours sleep a day due to the socket of an extracted tooth becoming hideously infected. I spent most of last week crying and clutching my mouth in pain, head throbbing, tears streaming down my face. THREE TIMES I begged them to help and THREE TIMES I was told they were all too busy even though my ex had taken the entire week off work and yet ex-FIL had had the audacity to suggest they simply could not assist on one single occasion and that I was expecting the whole world to revolve around me yet again.

Our child, as in mine AND my ex's, is apparantly MY sole responsibility and problem despite the ex sitting at that meeting the other week saying he has been asking for more contact but always denied it!!! THE TWO FACED LYING ARROGANT SELF-SERVING !£"()*&" I begged him to have joint custody over and over again and when he refused I insisted he saw his son at least twice a week to avoid damaging his self-esteem long term and in the end - he only agreed to see his only flipping child ONCE a week because he feels he is "too busy working unlike me"! He has had ample opportunity to speak to our son's GP or Health Visitor but never once in 20m done so. He didn't even bother to read the NHS birth to five book despite being asked to at least ten times. Er sorry but how is that showing an interest and wanting to be involved with his son's upbringing?

I am just SO angry about this. How dare he?! And then I got the Home Start worker banging on at me that I should stick to the agreement about the grandparents having my son two days in the week and give them a chance to see if they do it. Well what a !£(&*$£) good idea that is. My new job is in accounts admin for a VERY prestigious company and I fought off at least one hundred, if not two hundred to get it. I worked my a**e off over the years to obtain all my further educations around being a single Mum and working and I damn well deserve this break. There will not be another opportunity to start a career like this; they even offer flexi-time, a top notch pension scheme and free training for accounting qualifications including paid time off to sit exams. Why the hell would I throw away the first shred of hope and dignity I've glimpsed in the last two years just to keep a domineering old man and his compliant little woman along with their selfish and arrogant little boy happy? My ex is 34yrs old to my 23 for crying out loud; how has morality and responsibility managed to evade him all this time?

Oh and at least a childminder can look after my son without repeatedly sending him home bruised from unexplained accidents and covered in rashes from feeding him inappropriate foods.

How dare these people continually try to rule my life whilst in the same breath insist I am the one expecting everyone to revolve around me? Over and over I point out that if my life revolves around my son's then why shouldn't his but noooo, I am just a woman and a Mum and it is "my place" in life to change pooey nappies and mop up sick while he is out at work and down the pub (oh and of course visiting the dentist without interruption at his convenience). And the punchline? I didn't want this baby - he begged me to have it. I'm a good Mum because I work hard at it but in my heart, this isn't what I wanted and I'm just trying to make the best of things. Bloody hard to do when everyone seems hell bent on playing with your head by making all these promises only to constantly let you down then remind you you're not entitled to anything in life because you're just a worthless scummy single Mum on benefits.

Please don't misunderstand me because I do love my son dearly; I just hate this situation and feel I've had the role of both parents dumped in my lap against my will with no way out. I'm sick to death of doing it all by myself when he has a perfectly able Father down the pub or slumped in front of his parents' telly eating Mum's home cooked roasts.

Thank goodness you found out how unreliable and unkind all these people are before you began to rely on them, if you want something done do it yourself! make your own arrangements that suit you and your little boy, I am sure you know best, you will then feel confident to get on with this job it sounds great.
You are doing all the work and it will be hard working full time and bringing up you son and you have to make it as easy as you can for yourself so that it all works out. You do not need these people, even his Dad telling you where you are going wrong and interfering, you sound very capable and have got it all worked out. Of course they do not want you to succeed, they would not have control if you did.

Get on with your life in the way it suits you, if you get any help from them it will be a bonus but don't rely on them, you don't have to.

I think you are feeling a bit isolated at the moment but when you start work I am sure this will change and you will feel much better and they will not be such a big part of your life.

I did not see any mention of financial help for your son, I hope you are getting some.

Elle00

My friend had a good idea about this actually: She said book him with the CM full-time for the first 6m and tell the GPs they can arrange to take him out every now and again on an afternoon from the CM (who will still be booked and paid for regardless). She said if they prove reliable, once my probationary period at work is up (which let's be honest is where reliability and punctuality are THE most important) I could look at reducing the CM by one afternoon a week. Won't get fired if they let me down when I'm settled into my job and can just go back to full-time CM the following week (who is highly unlikely to have filled a single afternoon slot).

What do I care if the GPs have him in place of a CM anyway? It'll only cost me an extra few quid with TCs and my son will no doubt bond just as much with a CM he spends all that time with! Why on earth was I even thinking of risking my new job for them?! Madness I tell you, and there they are telling me I'm the one who does everything purely for herself... That's why I've bent over backwards to include all these people despite the chaos and upset it brings to my life huh? Hmm, no I think I'm the only one who's done anything purely for my son's benefit to date.

Thanks to everyone for the support on this one. Am taking in my documents (security questionnaire and signed offer letter etc) this afternoon so one step closer to starting )

Best actually look after my son now LOL. He's waiting for me to take him "walkies" (his words, not mine!).

workinmummy

Elle83,

Congrats on the job.
I have been in in a very similar situation. I work full time, partner and i, split up, with a one year old. I changed his care to 3 days with child minder, one day with my mum and one day with his. His mum constantly let me down, the night before, due to stupid things ie. hairdresser appointments, carpets being fitted. In the end i took the day from her She did not work and couldn't possibly do any of these trivial things on the other 4 days in the week. She was not reliable and did and still does loads of things that wind me up, with regards to our son (now 3). Partner and i are back together now,
and everything is fine. But i went through all of this. Worked full time. Looked after him by myself when at home, looked after myself and DSwhen we were both sick. His dad waltzed in and out to see him when he felt like it.

I think the solution your friend has came up with is a very good one. Let them proove to you that they are reliable. You are a good mum, you want to work to provide for you child. Not live on handouts and benefits. Stuff them.
You can't make them or your ex see your son. Believe me i understand your want and need for your son to have contact with and know his dad.
I was exactly the same. Maybe keep a diary of when dad, did or did not keep to the schedule. Just so you have it all in writing.

Fortunately in our case, my partner realised he wanted to live with his son and me, and came back on my terms. And has actually learned how to be a good dad.

(Just a tip, i checked entitledto.com to see how much tax credits i would be getting, if DS was in full time child care 3, 4 or 5 days a week. As long as the estimated amount covered the childc are cost i was happy)

Sorry for waffling on. In Short go with the Childminder. Its your life and you are in charge of your sons life. My childminder is fantastic and Ds has thrived
going there. Childcare need to be stable and reliable.

When DS starts school full time, DPs mum want me to stop the childminder so she can pick him up from school and have him for the last few hours of the day. Not happening. Not so she can moan when its raining or snowing and has to walk for ten mins to the school.

Go with your Gut instinct you know whats right.
Good luck!

belfastgirl23

I agree with a lot of what's been said above - your friend is right to suggest FT childcare with GPs involvement for the first while on a trial basis. This seems like a good solution for everyone. But also I wanted to mention that this isn't just about childcare, it's about your child getting to spend time with his father and his father's family. You have every right to be upset that they are not sticking to agreements but it might be worth taking a deep breath and focusing on the fact that at least they (in principle) do want to spend time with him. Whilst the practical side might be a hassle, he will benefit hugely from having people around who care about him. As for the GPs and the food issues etc it can be difficult for older people, however well intentioned, to remember all the rules. Also they might not appreciate the need for plenty of notice for holidays etc but I'd start from the point that they don't realise this rather than that it is designed to annoy you. This is an arrangement that will have to evolve and you will all probably make some mistakes so having a ft childminder in the background will remove a lot of the strain caused while you are navigating your way.

I pretty much lost touch with both my father and his family for a lot of reasons and really feel I lost out on knowing them. Your son will be grateful to you longer term for finding a way through this.

Good luck.

poppyscorner

Hi Just wanted to say congrats on the job take it and build your life up to what you want for you and your son please dont let them fool you into thinking you are a scummy single mum no mum is scummy single or otherwise the summy person people in all of this is him and his parents you have been the bigger person and given him joint custody something which I personally feel strongly about and agree totally I have two boys and I didnt make them by myself and although I am happily married if we split up tomorrow I would expect he took on half of the responsibility for them I have got my career I am an assistant manager for the NHS and I am being trained to become a manager in my own right my career gives me values and self worth other than the ones I get from being a mum I love my boys to bits but I also love my independance you have given the extended family and your ex every opportunity to be involved in your sons life if they dont want it you cant force them and its their loss.

I think you are a great role model for your son and he will grow into a young man who knows all about value and self worth as far as his father is concerned give him access on a weekend use the GP's for occasional babysitting then you have got nothing to thank them for rise above all their childish games and tbh why shouldnt things revolve around your son and you they have had the offer and thrown it back in your face dont bad mouth them in front of your son that is tooping to their level and you are better than that.

Good luck to you and your son stuff the rest of them enjoy your new job and career prospects good on you for not letting it pass you by.
P.S The staff that work for me are entitled to take time off for things such as childcare emergencies and I think it is law for parents of children under 5 could be wrong but that is my understanding the time would be unpaid but maybe you could discuss with your employer about making up any time with the flexitime you mention above this should not be frowned upon and it is the right of working parents (or so I am led to believe)

Poppy